Hi Rozeo, Welcome to the group. I'm pretty new too..and have found these boards to be very insightful, helpful, and empathetic. I think you will find the same. I'm sorry you are hurting, and hope that this board can help you find some resolutions/answers/peace, or whatever you are looking for. ~R

Rozeo I am sorry for your pain, but glad you found us. It is always hard on the ones left to wonder what went wrong, what did we do wrong, and what caused it fail. Most of the time you wont actually find the answers your looking for and can litterly drive your self crazy looking. Sometimes people just grow apart, sometimes there needs are not being met and they find the strength to pick up and move on and some times there just plain crazy. I have found that reading has helpped me the most to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, what I will do diff next time(if there is a next time)and also what attracts me to the type of women I have been with in my past. The book "How to fall out of Love" has been helpfull for me to stop the bad feelings and move forward with my life.
This is a great bunch of people here and I wish you the best!

This probably won't sound very helpful, but somehow, some way, you will find a way to move on. Through my journaling and reflecting from November 2009 when he moved out until today, almost three months postdivorce, the changes I have made are astounding. I'm not the crying, miserable, lonely wreck I was then. I am much, much stronger, and recently realize that, had I stayed marred to him, we probably would've ended up hating each other.
If you truly focus on you, then the positives come. For me, living my own life, setting my own rules, and having no one to "answer" to has been very liberating. I spent 12 years "doing the right thing", trying to be the best wife, etc. Now, I can be me, do what I want, and it's nobody's business but mine. If I feel like watching sappy girl movies all night, then I will. If I want to talk to my girlfriends for hours, then I can. I no longer have to fake interest in his activities, or factor him into my life beyond being my son's father.
In time, things do come together. Whatever you feel, just feel it. Don't hid your feelings or pretend them away. The hurt and pain are a part of the overall process but, keep in mind, they are only a part of it...they are NOT the whole picture.
I wish you strength in your recovery. You will survive!

I'm sorry for your pain. A marriage is a marriage and we all thought they'd last forever.

Hugs,
Patti

A Bond is a Bond and when is comes apart it Hurts!!! There will be up days and down days. When you finally think things are sunshine a storm cloud will roll through. But you will make it! Lean on who ever you have for support: Friends, Family and all of us here at DS. JUORNAL !!! It is hard to start doing , BUT IT HELPS!! And know that you probably did nothing wrong in your realtionship, sometimes things just happen! Hugs.

Hi Rozeo, welcome to the group none of us ever wanted to become a member of. :-) I'm sorry for your pain and loss. This is a good place to find some comfort and encouragement and advice and healing. You are not alone. And it does get better.

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. You will find that people on this board are very supportive of each other. I personally so a lot of journal entries to hash out what I think and how I feel about things. It is a great resource to help you get things out.

Welcome, Rozeo -- we're happy that you're here, but wish that didn't have to be. Just as you said, your pain is just as hard, whether married to a man or a woman. Plus, I think you may have some added challenges to cope with as you likely encounter folks who don't "get," understand or accept that your marriage and love for your wife is as real as it gets, on every level, and therefore don't give the pain that you're experiencing the validity it deserves. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you find some comfort and helpful advice with this board.

You need to start thinking differently about your situation -- you did nothing to "deserve" being left. None of us did. Yes, we can all, in some way recognize that we're not perfect and that perhaps we contributed to the downfall of our relationship in some capacity. But sometimes bad things happen to good people. Loving, caring folks are left by people who can't or don't want to be loved. It's awful and horrible and so easy for all of us to point the finger inward and wonder what we could have done to "fix" things. But you'll drive yourself nuts with that type of thinking. It'll eat you alive...

Try to start finding the positives in yourself. Be kind to yourself. Know that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. And know that you will get through this grief.

We're all here to support you!

You have to totally say goodbye to old love before you can truly move on.

It is hard for us who have been left to pick up the pieces but can be done. You just appear to be stuck trying to logically figure it out when no understanding may ever come of the ending.

I'd also like to recommend a book called 'loveshock'. It's an easy read and is helpful for those of us who may feel betrayed in love.

Best of luck Rozeo, you can get past this.

im sorry for your pain your marriage was just as important as ours i am so sorry for your pain

Hello and thank you all for each reply. I am overwhelmed by the kindness and understanding of al, of you and it truly touches me. a few things some of you said really hit me. First, I seem to suddenly realize that through that whole marriage I was "always" trying to FIX things". I am the fixer, it started in childhood for me. And also, YES, I am the type to anynalize (spelling) everything, and when there is something I cannot understand I just keep trying and cannpt seem to accept what I dont understand. I have had a few long term relationships and I really learned a lot from them and put my best foot forward, I felt I did almost everything right to make the person feel loved and secure yet give space and freedom in the relationship, my communication had imporoved and for me to accept that even when you do your best you cant still get stomped on is so hard. I always look to myself when something goes worng, what was my part? what can I fix? I guess sometimes there are things we cannot fix no matter how hard we try, and that statement crushes me, but I know it's true.
I feel used, fooled, stupid and I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I wrote down the suggested books and will indeed get them. I just have to do one thing at a time right now. I have totally "lost" ME. I went from feeling secure and happy and being a fulltime college student and running aa self help support group for people with anxiety and depression, to completely falling on my face and needing more help than anyone. I don't know hw or why this affected me so badly to where I completely fell down on my knees. Break ups have always been hard for me but not like this, not to where I feel I have completely died inside and gave up all in life. I admire the strength so many of you have, I am sure it has been a long road. I pray to have some of that strength back in my life. I pray daily and give thanks daily and do have a relationship with God. but even for a while I had cut that out of my life and am now finally getting that back. I want to live again and want to feel like answering my phone or leaving the house. I shut out all my friends, everyone. I am not sure why but I feel so ashamed and embarassed like I did something wrong.

Hi Rozeo,

Your response reminds me of myself and what is happening to me right now. I was a straight up nerd with straight As and enjoyed being a full-time college student. Ever since my ex broke up with me, I dropped all but one class, and even that one class I just...I can't get myself to do homework. It's like functioning is difficult, I have nightmares I cannot sleep, cannot stop looking at my phone to see if he contacted me, just recently i started eating again. My life has halted and there are times when I don't have a clue what to do. I did lose me because I was pretty much the same as you, I wanted to fix everything and understand why things were going downhill. I blamed myself. I begged my ex yesterday to let me back into his life so we can work things out. I was rejected and told "do we really have to go through this again?" My heart shattered into even smaller pieces.

Feeling used and stupid is normal...but remember to look back and think, was it really your fault? Especially with trying to fix things? You tried so hard to change what could be changed, how can it be your fault. We are all human...don't be hard on yourself. I know, being left behind hurts, it aches and it feels like it won't go away. There will be better times, I promise you. I may still be suffering and my promise may not mean as much because I have not healed completely - but I assure you - we will all heal if we allow ourselves to forgive and let go of the person who broke our hearts.

I'm only a msg away! -hugs-

Hi Rozeo
I am sorry for your pain and loss

I truly understand since my wife of seven years just asked for a divorce.
Although we weren't happy I still was blindsided with the timing

I don't know if this will help you but I do try to concentrate on the love and support from friends
And take just one day at a time so I'm not overwhelmed with the future
Amy

Ellie,

This post is from 9 years ago...