Llmt- I can understand your concern. In my county, you basically have to show that the other person is likely to harm the kids (abuser, druggie, alcoholic) before you can keep them away. If the kids are verbal, just ask a generic question like "did you have a good time?" Kids are a lot smarter and better judges of character than we might think.

Lynne

I hear you. My ex and I share custody, so half the time my kids live with their dad and the OW. From what my kids tell me, she is very nice to them.

Do your children talk with you openly? Have you met this woman? If not, would you consider it for their sakes?

Just sorta thinking aloud here.

Oh I have met her and know her...she was at my house and my friend while having an affair with my husband under my nose. I can't now or ever be nice to this "woman". She was digging for info from me while twisting it all and saying all this nasty shit behind my back. Ok, water under the bridge...moved on...but that being said, I would literally mash her face to a pulp if I ever see her. All I know is that she has/had pawned her kids off on her in-laws and her mom for the last few years of her marriage, even so far as to not come home to put them in bed just to not be around her ex. I guess I can get that to a point but every night. So if she does that to her kids, how will she treat mine. They are going thru enough and I don't want them thrown by the wayside for her own benefit. I know, fine line...maybe I should not have brought this up as a topic and just should have kept to myself to hopefully figure out. Know there is nothing I can do but hope they are ok when he takes them with her and her kids.

L, your kids will always be your first concern. That is only natural. I have known my almost exes gf for a long time. You know she was my best friend for years before they started sleeping with each other. That also makes this a concern that doesn't touch me. I know she would never do anything to intentionally hurt our children. It would be worse for me when the kids are with him if I didn't know that. If I couldn't be certain that she loves our kids. It's so difficult for me to admit that. I don't want to be nice about anything when it comes to her. Hopefully, you can have enough faith in your ex as a parent to know he wouldn't put the kids into a situation like that. It scares the crap out of me that my almost ex will not be smart enough to realize he's had one too many and drive with my babies in the car. But, I don't worry about her doing that. Because I know her. I would also like to believe that since she is always with him, she would stop him from doing that in the first place. None of us know what the future holds, but we have to believe that our kids will be ok in all regards from this. If we didn't believe that, we would fall to pieces and never be able to put those pieces back together, IMO. ((((L)))) P.S. stop reading the newspaper about the delco man who killed his gf's son. It will only give you nightmares and thoughts like this. Luv you!

I know exactly what you are talking about. It's the PIMA mentality. The kids aren't mine, so they are a pain in the ass. Lots say they can handle it, most cannot. I know for a fact I could not. They will let you know if they feel that way kiddo. You'll get the vibe, or they will come to you directly.

Ahhh..TC..you know of what I speak of in regards to the news. Never gave much thought about it until recently, but I have to put faith in a higher power. And it goes both ways...he needs to put faith in me for who I have them around..I told him that, to give me credit b/c there was NO way I would have them around anyone I deemed unsafe.

Exactly L. You don't have to trust him or her. Or even like him or her. Just believe that he will be Dad first and foremost. It's like walking on a tightrope, isn't it. You can despise every thing about him and who he chooses to be around. But, you can hope at the same time that your kids are safe and yes, loved by those people.

@llmt: I don't have children, so I'm not going to be much help here, but I wanted to send a hug of support your way and let you know I'm thinking of you. I think you'll be so in tune with your children that if something is off...you'll sense it in their actions or behavior. I can only imagine the difficulties of navigating a co-parenting situation, but I can say this....your kids have an awesome mother in you!! BIG HUGS!

((((LLMT)))) I have been contemplating the OW spending time around my kids since the ex finally admitted she exists....and now wants them to meet her. I don't know her last name, if she has kids, nothing. It is terrifying and mine are older and would spill all the details... I hug you.

I plan on asking my attorney if i can stipulate that she is not around during his visitation, at least for a set period of time....as i feel that is in their best interest, while we are in the middle of the divorce (they don't even want to meet her). I have heard there is nothing i can do, but i plan on asking, anyway... I had not even thought about abuse or her being psycho... so much to worry about.. (((L))))

If you have a real concern, you may want to think about getting your oldest a cell phone. Talk to them both about boundaries and what to do in an emergency.

I was about to say my wife loves my kids so much she'd be sure not to place them in harms way but she's picked some real fuk'n gems in her past. Lots of abuse stories. sigh. Maybe I better be her matchmaker.

All I can offer is some insight as a child of divorce and multiple step-moms. There was no cheating to the best of my knowledge, but I don't know for sure. My dad's first girlfriend after the divorce was super nice to me, and her and my dad remained friends after they broke-up. My first step-mom was nice, her kid was my age and a bit of a douche. My second step-mom, was unbellievably nice to me (her sister and I were in the same class...yeah weird), she did a helluva lot for me...unfortunately she wanted me to step in for my lazy-ass dad as a 'father-figure' to my half-brother when they divorced. My wife was pregnant at the time, so I respectfully said I really can't, and that drove a wedge between us.

Just some not-so-bad stories to help ease your mind, L. *hugs*

Even little they can tell you things, ask them how was your day, what did you do, etc.

Call me catty, call me a bitch - I don't care. I will NOT ALLOW my not yet ex to be with my kids and the OW together. She was my 'friend', on the same committees at our children's small private school, we had dinners together, went on a family vacation together. (the list goes on) We go to the same pool, live in the same small town. My kids can't stand her, yet we see her ALL the TIME! My kids are aware of the relationship, but she is still telling the town it's not true (I think she enjoys the mystery). My STBX has told me about the over 2 year affair. As long as I can help it - THIS woman will not be anywhere near my children and their father at the same time.

I know this part is coming for me....just a matter of time before my ex runs through a string of losers that she'll invariably expose my son to.

Did I say that out loud?