Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife and I have been separated since last January. We just became roommates for too long and the bickering just became to constant. I have two kids (10 and 12 now). They seem to be doing fine, especially my daughter. I think my son is fine too, but I constantly worry about him and how he is doing. When we first separated he was very upset and would say that why cant we just get back together. But that has been at least 9 or 10 months ago. I think he is past that now. I guess my question, is what is the best way to get past this worry that is probably not even a real worry, just something in my head that I fight with. As two separated parents we are still in consistent communication and still try and show the kids we are a family still. I am over there pretty often helping around the house, or watching the kids. We both want to be in there lives as much as possible.
Beyond that, the best way is to keep bonding to them. At 12, that probably means driving him places...talking while in the car. Make it a rule that all cell phones, electronics go off in the car and use that time to find out what's happening in his life. Listen as he talks to his friends. Express interest.
When my son was younger he had issues. I started doing this thing called "Floortime by Stanley Greenspan". I've found that it works with all ages. Basically it's making a point of letting the kid lead some interactions. I listen and reflect back. For 15-30 minutes, I'm not there to teach, correct, or fix anything. I've found that those are the times when I find out the most about who my kids actually are.
So it's really important that you continue to bond w/your kids and always be there for them. I commend you for doing everything you're doing for the kids. I also like patti's suggestions. You also might want to consider seeing a family therapist for other ideas to help your kids thru this transition.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-nowinski-phd/helping-children-survive-_5_b_1082850.html
To support her claim that kids are not as impacted by divorce as previously thought. I told her that can't be true. I'm devastated and it was a 15 year marriage but to them it is the only way they've know their entire life. Their safe, secure, living home is going to be broken and peacemaker Dad won't be able to fix it. I told her we might as well be telling them we are suddenly changing our faith. She won't accept that and says I'm only saying that because of how hurt I am and want to control things. It is already been made very clear I'm not able to control any of this but I do want to find the best way to do this. It is not like we can ever start over on explaining things. Once we say something, it has been said and consequences will happen.
Sorry for the vent.
Glad to hear you are supporting the kids so well through the family transitions. Their needs are sometimes forgotten by parents who are so into their own pain.
Just let your kids know that you are open to hearing if they do have concerns, fears, or sadness. And always be open to listening and not judging their sharing.
If you and their Mom can be cordial and professional--team parents--the kids will be much better off.
In my area we have something called "Kids Turn". I highly recommend it. It is for the parents and the children and you can find more information about it here: http://kidsturn.org/kt/. They have an online program as well (which might be good because I am not sure if the instructor led programs are only in California or Nationwide).
Keep being the good father you are. That is the only job you can really fulfill in this situation.
Many blessings ahead.