Welcome Mitza24,

Sorry for the tough times you are in. I am not a proponent to divorce unless its needed due to abuse, or other circumstance but also realize that its part of life/culture. Have you thought about trying to take a real separation? i.e. not living under same roof for a period and no contact besides stuff pertaining to bills/kids. It obviously will be tough on your kids but on the other hand I have read that it is better for them in the long run to see an amicable split and relationship between the parents rather than years of seeing a crumbling marriage.
The process could start as a separation, regardless you can seek legal counsel that will give you the 411 to start what need be started. Some states have a 6 month separation period before they will allow divorce unless there is evidence of abuse.
Post here, read here, take time for yourself. Many in this site have had similar troubles but also many possibly could relate to your stbx. I hope that you find the path that your supposed to be on, sometimes absence makes the heart go stronger and its hard for the other person to be absent when their mind says grab onto my partner before they are gone for good.

Everyone here has been abandoned by our loved ones
We are trying to console and support each other through the agony of grieving our marriage loss
The hurts and confusion

most of us believe after so many years you have a responsability to honor your relationship and marriage. barring abuse

Love can be a choice and commitment

Marriage has ups and downs and periods where you don\t feel in love

But making a commitment to make yourselves find happiness in your marriage is really what we believe

And not sacrifice anothers life who is innocent because you no longer want to be married

Mitza24, I am in your boat so I bring a bit of a different perspective than the very kind and smart gentlemen who posted. I am in a 23 year marriage that I knew started from a not mature place, and I have held on as long as I could.

He is not abusive, he is not a cheater. Blame for this can definitely be divided (I used to take total blame and is why I stayed) What I will say and do believe now: we all have to at least try, regardless of our feelings. It is difficult to do! I feel like I am done, I do love him but I don't want to be his everything any more.

Out of respect for us,myself, I start counseling next week. I feel I owe that to him and our daughters. Maybe I will be back on here, lauding the success of a therapist, but if that doesn't happen, I know I am not an evil person. I know I loved him with everything I had to give and by leaving, I am not saying anything about his character. It hurts me most that I will hurt him, but I know, in the end, I could be the one with all the regret. Most days, I feel I am ready for that consequence.

So find a good counselor and read posts on this site. I realize the power in hearing what others have to say. My STBX is worth that consideration. As am I.

I wish you the very very best! :)

Hi Mercyfoundme,

We have already been doing the counseling and I think it has helped me see even clearer that I am done with this marriage. We have been trying to work on things, re-connect, etc. but those feelings are just gone. So I feel that you and I are alike in that boat.

Thanks for your perspective on this since I think most people just don't get it. I'm sure the counseling will also help you in your journey as well. Good luck and thanks for the kind words.

See...
I was going to ask for more information on you marriage, until you fired the whole "most people just don't get it " comment out to us.

We get it way more than you know.. Perhaps its you that doesn't get it.
No judgment.. Good luck.

Athletic4ws,

Not sure what you are referring to with your comments below. What I am stating is that I knew all along that I shouldn't have gotten married and now I don't want to live my life this way anymore. There is no abuse or infidelity but I know this isn't how my life is supposed to be or continue going in this direction. This is what I meant by people not getting it. They think you have to have some sort of abusive issue to know you shouldn't be in the marriage you are in. But when you know yourself finally in life and know that just being able to be friends with someone isn't enough to make a marriage work, that's what I think people have an issue with.

I understand you are having some issues about your feelings, but what about your vows you have taken? My husband did the same to me, woke up and said I don't want this anymore. Like they said, to love is a choice, and commitment. When you have a family you give up the "I's" for "Us". I hope you will be content with the pain you will cause.

Best of luck to you..........

Wow Brittany8, although you are entitled to your opinion and all, saying that you hope I will be content in the pain I will cause is a little overboard don't you think? Sorry you are going through a divorce and I can only imagine how hard that it. But putting others down won't you make you feel better in the long run. Best of luck to you as well

Mitza,

I was married at 18 had four kids with my stbx and am 32 now. We had many challenges...I was committed for at least 13 of those years though I had my own issues. Needless to say, she asked for divorce in 2013. At that time I didn't want it...after awhile the light came on for me. It was difficult. The connection was lost many years ago. I came to terms with that and do not fault her, I now realize I was unhappy as well.

I understand your post. You must do what is genuine and authentic for you in life. I believe we were married too young, without knowing ourselves and now we do know ourselves.

I am not trying to put you down. If you took it that way I am sorry. I am just trying to give you insite into what it feels like on the other side. I was unhappy at times in my marraige, but never enough to cause that much pain to someone who I loved so much, even if I didn't feel love at that moment.


Again I hope you find the answers you are looking for... Best of luck