My wife of 27 yrs has been unhappy a long time.  She says she stayed with me just for our daughters who are now out of the house - youngest moves away to start college in 2 weeks. My wife is working fast to separate and has it all figured out - get mediator, work out our mutual finances, etc then sign separation agreement.  Maybe divorce soon or later or never. She is adamant and won’t listen to anything - “don’t fight me, let’s get it done and quick, it’s over”, are all she can say.

I am surprised by the speed she wants this to end but not that she wants it.  I realize now this was her unspoken plan.  “When the kids are out so am I”.  She must have thought about this every day for a long time.

Her unhappiness is my fault due to yrs of emotional distance and lack of intimacy.  There are no affairs, no drugs, no outside factors.  Our friends have no idea we are not happy, just her closest confidants.

She told me we were headed in this direction several months ago so I made a plan, discussed it with her and she would “wait and see.”  I went to counseling regularly to help me understand my bad habits - staying up late, not making her my #1 priority, not being receptive to her advances over the years (not recently - she’s been walled off emotionally) and not initiating sex often enough just once or twice a month, often less.  Again over many years.

I think I made a lot of progress and she has acknowledged it.  We spent more time together, she knew I was focused on her and us, and we even had sex a couple of times.  She often commented “you’re trying too hard” like an unusual amount of attention felt forced to her even though I was enjoying it.  It was work but that was about retraining my brain so I would not relapse.  Being consistent takes great effort before it becomes easier.  It may never have become automatic for me - after many yrs- but that’s why accountability from someone outside the marriage was important.

Over a few months it got better but she remained walled off.  She wasn’t interested in counseling together or herself.  We spent more time together.  We had sex a couple times after way too long.  I thought it was going ok but then we (I) regressed.  Focusing more on work, which had taken a big hit thinking of her, calling her and coming home early to help with chores, stress with family travel, graduations, event planning , college visits ... lots of excuses.  Bottom line is I wasn’t consistent long enough and she wasn’t really open to me changing.

She had low expectations for me this last time and proved herself right.  I can’t “fix me” in order to fix us.  I can definitely change but she has been “checked out” of our marriage for too long now to be really willing to work on us, to work together.  So I failed as she knew I would just as I failed her for so many years.  She’s probably right about that.

In counseling on my own (only recently) I learned my distance, my bad habits that made distance between us, is not uncommon for some men.  I didn’t realize I had such a big problem with intimacy and didn’t understand just how destructive it was for her and us.  She told me many times, cried many times, used to get angry about it.  Then became numb and walled off.  In past counseling sessions together I was aware of the issues and things would get better but for a while only.  I didn’t hold myself accountable and no one else did either.  Plus couples therapy is about us working together to fix “us.”  My wife knew she had tried so what needed fixing was really just me.

So now she is done and we are soon to be separated.

This is my confession as a man - a smart, highly educated,  hard working man.  A good man and a wonderful father - my wife says so often.  But a lousy husband to my wife.  She does not feel cherished and hasn’t for a long time.

My advice to all husbands is this:  if you love your wife and you want to remain married, cherish her.  Every day.  It’s the little things that matter, and sex.  Regular thoughtful attention and sex.  If you are not giving her this then get into therapy NOW!

Find a male counselor who can understand male intimacy issues, help you to craft a plan and hold you accountable to it.   But you have to commit and do the work.  Only you can change you.  Do it before it is too late.  Don’t wait until it’s too late like I did.

I love her and she loves me.  We had it all and now it’s kaput. We’ll ptobably remain friends.  Apart.  This really sucks.