Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So today I filed. I'm not the one who wants this but he keeps saying that they kept giving him back the paperwork because he was doing it wrong and I move out in less than a month. I didn't want to but I also didn't want him to have the opportunity to screw me as he's keeping the house and makes significantly more than me, I need the temporary support order to make ends meet. I couldn't hold back my tears as I was standing in line at the courthouse
Is no animosity going on. I would not sign anything
Without representation of some sort. Every state is
Different on rules and regulations on divorces. HUGS
Anymore, they are now your enemy. Your
STBX sounds like a checked out spouse
Always trust your gut, that is your common
Sense and your truth talking to you. HUGS
1. Don't trust him. Mine agreed, too, until the divorce began and then he saw 100% of everything that was ours, as belonging to him, and he behaved accordingly (as did his attorney).
2. Communication; Mine cut off all communication so I could not speak with him or my in laws, it was as if a huge brick wall was built overnight. There was quite literally no way to communicate on anything except through papers I had to figure out myself and had to pay fees for with the court.
3. Hire an attorney but not just any attorney, ask around with friends and family to find one that's actually GOOD at family law. Otherwise you can end up with all sorts of problems because, trust me, he WILL lawyer up and you do not want to be left unrepresented when his attorney advises him to make sure you can't get access to anything that belongs to you two, together, like bank accounts and possessions. You will be incorrect if you believe that they can't lock you out. My spouse started paying out OUR money to his attorney and her boss and he never had to make up that money to me, the Judge didn't count it, so basically I paid for half his attorney. And when I filed a form with the courts, using $50 that was supposed to be in my budget for fuel for my vehicle to get to work, and for groceries that week, requesting that the judge allow me enough money from one of OUR bank accounts so I could hire an attorney, too, the Judge denied it. Everyone I knew was blown away by this, but Judge's do exactly as they wish and you can't really do anything about it. I was screwed at that point, it was pretty much all over. I went into the divorce unrepresented.
(During the 1st court appearance the judge told the 3 of us to go into a side room and try to work out a deal. We went into the side room: me alone, my spouse with his attorney. The two of them would not agree to values so we could split our accounts and what we owned, down the middle. In fact they would not agree to even splitting it down to 60/40 in his favor, or 65/35, so I had no idea what to do. We finally all 3 came out and told the Judge we hadn't reached an agreement. He was ticked off! Basically, the judge expected me to just sit back and accept whatever my spouse's attorney was willing to 'give' me.)
4. I had been the one who moved out. I let the Judge know what my life had been like with this man, who required me to ask permission for everything, and who controlled all facets of our life. I even said out loud, to the judge and everyone in the courtroom (including my mother in law, who was there to support her son even though this was a divorce and her son was 49 years old), that one of my last memories was of sitting in a chair in the living room and my husband had ordered me to do something (he was a terrible control freak and always ordered me around) and I finally gathered the courage and used the word 'no'. My husband wasn't used to hearing the word 'no', from anyone, and he flew out of his chair across the room, stepped up next to me and balled up his fist and asked me if I wanted my teeth knocked out. Yes, I talked about the marriage, while sitting in the 'witness' seat, and the Judge just waved it off again, irrelevant, irrelevant, irrelevant. Basically my life with this man had been irrelevant and the fact that he'd taken complete control over everything I'd worked for, for 21 years, was also irrelevant.
It turned out that the judge gave my husband our land, our home, all the possessions in the home, and our entire business and bank accounts, then gave me 18% of our net worth and no support and no retirement. Get legal advice before you move out.
5. If and when you do move out, be sure you take everything you need or want, no exceptions. My ex put a chain across the driveway to our home/land/business and put up no trespassing signs. When I drove up he sat inside and phoned the Sheriff. The deputy who showed up seemed to feel bad, but said there was nothing he could do, that my husband was on his own property and had it posted, so I had to leave. I still owned half of everything, we weren't divorced yet! But the law does not protect you from any of this, they simply don't go to bat for you and the judge doesn't care. When I brought it up in court the judge ignored me and waved it off like it was irrelevant.
6. My husband and I had a business together and, as stated before, he claimed everything we owned and cut off my access. I had moved out and had to survive on 2 very challenging part time jobs, no health insurance, no access to backup money, and making minimum wage. I ate ramen and slept on a mattress on the floor while my husband (who couldn't cook) ate all his meals out and went with his parents on vacation in Palm Springs. The judge considered such things irrelevant. I received no support during the divorce and none after. None. 0.
To summarize...I have struggled financially ever since. I own no property. My vehicle is 22 years old and needs repairs. I don't take vacations, I just work day after day after day. I don't buy clothes unless they're on a clearance rack. I can go out with my friends only once a month, if I don't spend over $15. My husband is still sitting on our 5+ acres, running our business. I've had to accept that this is just how my life is and I have learned to take joy in the little things, to live in the moment, and to consider my friendships and the free enjoyment I find in nature (like a walk in a pretty place), as my 'possessions' in life.
If anyone tells you not to worry, that you get 50%, they haven't got a clue what the reality of the law is, and the power that a judge can have to make decisions based on assumptions and opinions and bias toward men. Tears won't help, no one cares. Don't trust your spouse, don't trust the attorney he's planning to hire (and he IS planning to hire, with money that belongs to both of you) and don't trust the legal system or the Judge. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself, it's survival of the smartest.