Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Most of the old peeps here know my story but for many of the new people I have been quiet the last few months (although I still visit this board everyday). Quick history - my ex walked out on me in July for his mistress. We had been together 10 years and married for 7.5 years. I found out he had affairs our entire relationship, admitted he was a sex addict for 20+ years, I was wife #5 not #3 like I thought and that is just scraping the surface of his deceit.
Our divorce was final in October and overall I have been doing really well.
I am seeing a therapist, was just recently weened off my depression meds and have made a decision to move back close to my hometown where all my family and friends live. Overall life is good and I am just enjoying me, trying to heal and live a happy, single life.
Or so I thought...which brings me to the point of this post.
I will try to make this as short as possible, and not even sure what I am looking for, except for honest advice.
At one time in my life, over 15 years ago, my best friend (BF) was a male.
We were never in a relationship, it was strictly a friendship...but we were close! We actually lived together for 4 years and it wasn't until I met my ex that I moved out with my BF and in with my ex.
The ex and BF did not get along and unfortunately over the years our friendship became strained. Typically we would only talk on birthdays and the occasional email just to say hello. My BF found out about my divorce through FB. On New Years Eve he called me and we spent hours catching up on the phone. Weeks went by and I never heard another peep out of him, until almost 2 weeks ago. He called me a couple of weeks ago and started getting real emotional saying it was all his fault that I went through all this pain with my ex. He said if he had been the man I deserved 15 years ago then I would have never met my ex. He told me he loved me enough to not love me, as he thought I deserved better. I was shocked that he had these types of feeling for me. We live about 5 hours apart and I just happened to be visiting my parent when he called that night. He asked if I could stop by his work the next day and say hello before I left town. It was the first time I had seen him in 10 years and when he hugged me the entire world just felt right. It wasn't that I was falling in love with him, it just felt good to have my BF back. Well since then he has talked about "moving South and finding a different job". I live South so I know what he is alluding to. He has told me "don't say anything and don't freak out, but I love you." We had talked every single day for over a week, and last Thursday night before we hung up he said "have a good day tomorrow and of course I will be calling you tomorrow night". Since then...I haven't heard a peep from him. I really want to reach out and just say hi, but I don't want to seem like I am smothering him (he always contacts/calls me first). I'm just really confused about what I want. I know I still need time to work on me and heal from my divorce, but I already let so much time slip away. My BF has not been on a single date in 10 years, however now I am afraid of losing him to someone else...but I don't want to rush into anything.
So yes...basically I am rambling and just need your thoughts/advise/wisdom!
Thanks for listening to my rambling!!!
Our divorce was final in October and overall I have been doing really well.
I am seeing a therapist, was just recently weened off my depression meds and have made a decision to move back close to my hometown where all my family and friends live. Overall life is good and I am just enjoying me, trying to heal and live a happy, single life.
Or so I thought...which brings me to the point of this post.
I will try to make this as short as possible, and not even sure what I am looking for, except for honest advice.
At one time in my life, over 15 years ago, my best friend (BF) was a male.
We were never in a relationship, it was strictly a friendship...but we were close! We actually lived together for 4 years and it wasn't until I met my ex that I moved out with my BF and in with my ex.
The ex and BF did not get along and unfortunately over the years our friendship became strained. Typically we would only talk on birthdays and the occasional email just to say hello. My BF found out about my divorce through FB. On New Years Eve he called me and we spent hours catching up on the phone. Weeks went by and I never heard another peep out of him, until almost 2 weeks ago. He called me a couple of weeks ago and started getting real emotional saying it was all his fault that I went through all this pain with my ex. He said if he had been the man I deserved 15 years ago then I would have never met my ex. He told me he loved me enough to not love me, as he thought I deserved better. I was shocked that he had these types of feeling for me. We live about 5 hours apart and I just happened to be visiting my parent when he called that night. He asked if I could stop by his work the next day and say hello before I left town. It was the first time I had seen him in 10 years and when he hugged me the entire world just felt right. It wasn't that I was falling in love with him, it just felt good to have my BF back. Well since then he has talked about "moving South and finding a different job". I live South so I know what he is alluding to. He has told me "don't say anything and don't freak out, but I love you." We had talked every single day for over a week, and last Thursday night before we hung up he said "have a good day tomorrow and of course I will be calling you tomorrow night". Since then...I haven't heard a peep from him. I really want to reach out and just say hi, but I don't want to seem like I am smothering him (he always contacts/calls me first). I'm just really confused about what I want. I know I still need time to work on me and heal from my divorce, but I already let so much time slip away. My BF has not been on a single date in 10 years, however now I am afraid of losing him to someone else...but I don't want to rush into anything.
So yes...basically I am rambling and just need your thoughts/advise/wisdom!
Thanks for listening to my rambling!!!
Keep in contact with your BF as after all he is your BF. Tell him how you feel, tell him you are healing from your divorce and need time. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you then he will wait. And you wont be smothering him if you call to say hello. Smothering him would be calling him 10 times a day and texting every minute. Calling once or twice a week is a way of showing you care and your thinking of him.
Don't rush things, but also take time to think about your relationship with your BF. Do you really want a relationship with him or are you trying to fill a whole left by your husband? (This is something I have seen trying to do when on dates). Just food for thought. I hope this helps :)
I say, go for it. In the time that you processed all the BS your ex H threw at you, you were healing. You never cheated or stepped out of your marriage, while married or separated. This man isn't just a guy, he's someone you have known forever and have a history with.
To me, there is no time frame in dating after divorce. Now, mind you, I still can't seem to date after all this time, but I know it's my Standards and expectations. I think everyone is different.
Good luck!
It bothers me he says he will call, then he doesn't and leaves you hanging. Also, why is he supposed to call you first??
I think you should be looking flor other red flags----just to be on the safe side.
Good luck
I agree to keep him as a best friend and make sure he knows that. If he tried to push for more faster, then he may not be able to be your best friend any longer. You have to set this as your pace and keep it slow so you don't use him as a crutch to get over your ex and your divorce.
I'm glad you're doing okay and so glad you came here to post. Many hugs.
he may be a good guy and a nice guy but it sounds like he may issues. Since you sre coming out of a painfull break up I'd guess it is fair to say that you have issues (i know becouase I'm in a painful divorce and I can't see a day when i won't have issues)
I don't think it is either his or your best interest to take it to another level. It would be helpful for you to get stability on your own, heal, get whole, then see who is out there, maybe he will be someone whole himself but neither one of you can make the other whole, that just is not healthy.
That is just my opionion but it is genuine and well intended