If someone is really medically depressed there is nothing you can really do to "fix" him. You can be a friend in need, but you have offered and have been rejected. I was in a similar situation with my wife and it hurts when you cannot help when you really want to. Good luck.

I know it hurts. I would say the only hope you have of winning him back is to indeed let him go. Maybe he's craving a bit of freedom and needs to know that you are not dependent on him. If you are strong at this time it may be the thing that makes you attractive to him. Yes, you love him and told him that but I would caution against begging. That is not attractive on anyone. Right now, focus on taking care of yourself. Find a therapist, support group, take a class. Do something that makes you feel good because when you are feeling good about yourself people want to be around you and maybe he will too. But if not, you will have gained strength to imagine your life without him. It's only right that it hurts when you loved so much. We can never force someone to love us. Hugs.

"if I was hurt or sad due to his behavior I did tell him. He says he doesnt want to hurt me, he dont want to be responsible for my pain."

If your man had a chronic physical disability, rather than a mentally "invisible" disablity - say cancer, MS, Parkinson's disease - would you be as eager to tell him when you were hurt or saddened by his behavior caused by his disease?

You are basically telling him that HIS disease is the basis of YOUR hurt and sadness. Does it not make sense that he would want to end your hurt and sadness even if it meant leaving you?

If I told my husband of 17 years of the many times I was hurt and saddened when his chronic depression caused him to withdraw into himself for days, weeks at a time, I'm sure he would want me to leave him so he won't cause me any further hurt. If I told him every time I wanted some affection, only to have him rebuff me because of his disease, would that have helped him, or would it have given him more to "be depressed about."

When you choose to love and be with someone suffering from chronic depression, you must be aware of what you are signing up for. If you are not able to support your partner without resentment, feeling hurt or taking his actions due to the depression personally, it may not be the best relationship for either of you. You have to ask yourself "if my man was suffering from end stage cancer, would I hold him responsible for my hurt and sadness?' If the answer is "no", than you may want to ask yourself why you are treating his mental disease differently than you would if he had a physical disease.

Thank you for all the comments and support. I needed a bias opinion. Thanks cora_belle you really make me see it from another point of view.
I trues not to feel resentful or sad but sometimes my face betrayed me and he noticed.
How you handle those moments with your husband? I've tried to be understanding and I've read everything I could about depression. At this point I just feel I should give him his space and take care of me. Just trying to be strong for both of us.
I don't think he will reach out to but should I reach out to him?

Take care of yourself, focus on your own
Needs and your healing. Relationships are
Not suppose to be that hard and you are
not married to him.

Personally i would Find someone that
works for you and gives You happiness,
pleasure and joy. HUGS

Cora-Bell, I can not agree with you more about your perspectives. I came to the same realization through the hard way, i.e. making things worse for him, for the relationship, for myself. I now have to remind myself, almost constantly, that when he is depressed and withdrawn and shut down, he is just like having a broken arm (mentally speaking), he can not do any of the nice things he used to do and he will break glasses and make a mess while eating and drinking, and I shall not be angry at him. I have to force myself to focus on the good things that he could do when he was well and ignore all the good things that he dose not do and all the bad things he is doing when he is having a mentally broken arm. And, I tell myself, broken arm takes A LONG TIME to heal!

Playerapr, if you think he is still there, underneath the broken arms and legs, loving you, and you can truly change the way you see him (warning: it is extremely difficult and often painful!), then I guess you can re-approach him slowly (letters, notes first and then helping him with chores) and surely and never letting him know your hurt, almost like a saint! Put a blanket on him when he falls asleep in cough, clean his room for him, and the kind of things. A person with broken arm needs help! He will notice it and drop guards and respond. But please make sure this is what you want. Best wishes!

I love him and I know he's a good man plagued by darkness, pain and sadness. I will stick by his side if he lets me but he pushed me completely away, he doesn't want to see me and not it's not answering my text messages.
I'm taking care of myself and living my life but I want him to know that I'm still here.
Thanks everybody for listening and the words of encouragement.

Playerapr, sorry it took me a while to get back to you, had a busy evening last night.

You asked how I cope during the trying times when depression rears it's ugly head. The most important thing is to realize that THIS ISN'T PERSONAL. G (my husband) does not choose to suffer from depression (and chronic pain, which exacerbates his depression and visa versa). G's depression is not a reflection of his love (or lack thereof) for me. So when he shuts me out, it isn't because he is giving the me cold shoulder or silent treatment intentionally. He isn't angry at me. The depression is creating a lack of interest in everything, including me, our relationship, even his best bud, his dog. It isn't personal.

I don't know if your guy is seeking professional help for his mental illness, but that is crucial. Professional help, counseling, therapy and or medication can help manage the depression and can possibly bring complete healing.

I also realize that there is nothing I can do to make G feel better. Nothing I can do will help him "snap out of it" and be happy. But that doesn't mean I have to join in the depression. Just because G doesn't have an interest in anything, it doesn't mean I have to put my life on hold to just be company for him. Actually, he prefers that I "just leave him alone" when he withdraws, so I do.

But sometimes that "just leave me alone" makes me feel like a single woman. But, because I know this isn't personal, it isn't like being single - like I don't have anyone in my life single. It's like "my husband/BF/partner" is on an extended out of town business trip. I take advantage of that time to do what I like to do - I cook my favorite meals for dinner - or just eat ice cream for dinner. I don't feel guilty about spending hours at the gym or pursuing my favorite activities. I know that "this too shall pass" and my husband will be back.

It is however very important to have a support system to provide the emotional support that G can't give me at time. I have my sister that I can vent to, I have a very good male friend (he's more like my kid brother) who can lend me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. Once when G wasn't well, my rooster died. I just needed someone to hug me and understand that I was crying over a rooster. I went to my friend, he just hugged me and let me be sad. I received the sympathy I needed, and then went on. It is very important that your partner is aware of your surrogate "strong shoulder" and is okay with you getting emotional support from outside the relationship.

I also pray that God will restore and heal G and help him to be the husband God intends him to be. I also realize that it may be God's will that G remains with his depression and that I am to grow to be a better person because of it.

I feel that I have grown as a result of G's depression. I am much more independent and self-supporting than I was. I can carry the load placed on my shoulders. I am strong emotionally and spiritually. I realize that I don't need a man to make me a whole woman. I don't rely on others to make me happy. I have choices and I am responsible for my happiness.

In closing, about 6-8months ago, G decided to take himself off one of his prescribed medications. He felt that after years of use, it had lost its effectiveness. With the supervision of his Psych doctor, he quit taking the med. And the result has been amazing! I started noticing that G would take on little projects around the house. He re-organized his reading room, wanted to re-decorate the bedroom, he started cooking more meals, washing his laundry, cleaning the kitchen. He started to take care of me! I started to get the man I fell in love with back to me on a consistent basis.

On Valentine's Day morning, he surprised me with a vase of flowers from our yard, along with a heart-felt, homemade card. I realized at that moment that G has always loved me, cherished me. appreciated me - but couldn't fully express his feelings for me because his depression prevented it at times - lots of times to be honest.

If you choose to continue your relationship, you must go in with eye's wide open. It is trying and difficult and requires a quiet strength to be spouse and caregiver to someone with depression. It is definitely not for everyone. But once you decide to give your heart and life to someone with depression (or any mental or physical disability), it isn't fair to later take it back because "this isn't what I signed up for". Because you did sign up to it.

Good luck, and if you (or anyone else) has questions, please feel free to ask. I'm here to help.

@corabelle
Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!! Your words helped a lot. I'm seeing him and myself from another perspective. Other people don't understand cause they've never been around somebody with depression.
It's difficult to see him getting better and then see him crashed and burned and pushed away the person that cares about him the most.
I'm giving him his time and space, I know I can't help or fix him, I just wish he didn't push me away. I feel so lost and confused right now.