today we had the first step of our custody case with the courts called the "working together program". Basically you go to the court get educated on custody court proceedings and meet with a social worker to see if you can come to a shared parenting and visitation agreement at that time without further court involvement. Ours went something like this. He will have our son while I'm working, I will have him when he is working and we will agree on all other times amongst ourselves based on our schedules and what each of us has going on at a particular time. Nothing was set in stone. We agreed we didn't want it to be. Thing is we didn't really need the court to tell us that, did we. It's like we got there and neither one of us could actually go through with laying things out to have set days. We had excuses like well our schedules carry each week at work and we don't have every other weekend off and he plays basketball every other Thursday and I like to hang out with friends on Tuesday or Wednesday, but it depends on the week....

Now another part of the story. He moved out October 1st. He has been staying at his brother's. He was going to stay there until he got his own place. When the social worker asked him about that he said he hasn't got his own place yet because his sister's apartment is in his name, so he can't get another place in his name right now. I call BS on that, because there are plenary of places he could get. He has good enough credit to do so. He is not saving money staying at his brother's because he is paying the rent and bills there since his brother is currently working out of town and he had told his brother he would pay the stuff if he could stay there.

Last night he had stayed the night here at my place. This morning we rode together to go to court. When we came back we made food and laid on the couch together and had sex. Now we have been having sex off and on since he moved out, but without kissing. Today we actually kissed like open mouth kissed and for the first time since he moved out I actually felt like the sex might have been meaningful. Before he left tonight he kissed me goodbye and that little spark was there, that hasn't been in awhile. Now he has kissed me goodbye when he leaves before, but it just felt different. 

My thoughts are this. First off, I am clearly confused. Are things maybe changing? Is he getting feelings again or am I just blinded again? Is he holding off on getting his own place for a reason and just using his sister as an excuss? Is he maybe not sure that he made a good choice leaving? Could neither one of us actually make a decision in court because the separation of our family is not really what we want. I thought at least he was going to go in there wanting something scone he had filed the custody papers, but no he didn't make not one request. Is it possible that we both do care so much for each other that we just can't let it go?

if im truly being honest here, and I know I will take some heat on this, but it needs to be shared for the whole picture to come together. Since he has moved out in He has probably only not stayed here at the house only 10 times and 4 of those times he was away at military training. We have the most unusual circumstances ever. I mean who really shows up to their custody hearing together after sleeping next to each other all night then goes home together and has sex? Oh that's right the same couple who broke up and "live" in "separate places, but spend almost every night together anyway, even though most of those nights have felt meaningless. Like we are room mate truthfully, but we just can't be apart. We don't typically touch or do all the couple stuff, just sex every now and then and little peck kisses good bye.

i just don't know what to feel or do at this point. I don't want to have false hopes, but at the same time I don't want to just  give up if there could be a future.