I'm so sorry you are going through this. I broke up with my commitment phobe a month ago and can totally relate to your post. Mine is 42 yrs old and bailed on a 10 yr relationship after multiple engagements before he met me. With me, he couldn't even commit to an actual relationship, dates, talking daily, etc. The beginning was great but he quickly got distant and withdrawn and I ended up chasing after him trying to figure out what happened before reading about commitment phobia (I highly recommend the book He's Scared, She's Scared). He goes weeks without communicating with me and then acts like nothing ever happened. He claims he doesn't want any expectations or demands. Anytime we'd make plans for a date, he'd go silent and not show up. He'd bury himself in his work (workaholic) to avoid the relationship.

He has a pattern of commitment phobia in all aspects of his life: he won't commit to a house because he doesn't want to be "tied down" so he rents an apt even though he has a great career. He is even on a month to month lease and proud of it because he doesn't want to be tied into a lease. He can't keep a car for very long before trading it in (before it's even paid off) on another vehicle. He couldn't commit to raising his own children and ran away from them as well, leaving them to be raised by his parents. He's run from every relationship. Sometimes moving to another state.

Without major work, these guys don't get better, they just end up alone in the end. I have had several talks with mine about his issues and even given him the above mentioned book which he keeps claiming he wants to read but again, that would be a commitment. So I finally gave up after months of the on and off crap. It's been a month of no contact this time before he texted me two days ago to say hello. I did not respond. He knows I expect actual ACTIONS if I'm going to give him another chance. He has to get serious about his issues and I don't think he ever will.

Good luck on your situation. Hope he pulls his head out of his rear but I have little hope for these commitment phobes.

Ugh, I'm so sorry you went through that! *Hugs* to you. Good for you that you have stuck to your guns. My now ex was always ALWAYS with me and talking to me. He just couldn't bring himself to move in and not only canceled after he knew how much I changed my plans for us together, but he also expected us to just be together like we were doing without him knowing if we're supposed to be together. We are in our 30's and it's already been over 2 years, I don't have time to be waisting. Good luck on your situation as well.

Yeah mine is certainly a very extreme case. I actually think he has Avoidant Personality Disorder. Someone he was in two separate 10-year relationships which I cannot for the life of me understand. He's not even capable of committing to a date with me anymore. It's gotten progressively worse.

Mine would also apparently expect me to just keep hanging on while he tried to figure out what he wanted. I never had any idea what he was doing (usually just working). He'd find an excuse not to go to anything I invited him to. He'd find a reason not to ever come over when he said would. But when I went to his place, he went back to acting like we were in a normal relationship again, like nothing had ever happened. It was so weird. He could act normal for a week or so and then disappear again.

I'm so over it. Tired of being strung along. Everyone has issues but he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his issues and get help. He refuses to do anything to make this work. His loss.

Stick to your guns. Give him an ultimatum and don't back down unless he follows through. I've read horror stories of women who went through this for way longer than we have and I don't want to be one of them. Neither should you.

Oh dear! How are you holding up now? I wish I had girlfriends like you around who understand my pain. You certainly do deserve much better. Not to say your ex can't get it together but you have to be real with yourself as you observe. These men are not the only ones we can find happiness with. I wouldn't give mine an ultimatum becausebecause oftentimes that only causes a person to do something out of fear and then later the bitterness comes out of them. I just broke it off and if he is able to realize g is selfishness and change, which I hope, then we can save the relationship. I know I cannot depend on that though. Ugh!

I'm finally doing better. Today is 4 weeks of no contact. He texted 2 days ago saying he just wanted to say hello. No mention of a plan to make this work. No mention of any reading he's been doing on his issues. So I haven't responded. I'm not going to get sucked in when he clearly has no plan to work on this. I'm trying my best to just move on. I started my own meetup group and I'm trying to stay focused on that and home repair projects. I want to meet new people and make new friends.

It really sucks because we were friends first and he was somewhat normal as a friend. He only freaks out when he starts getting too close to someone and then his fears kick in. The beginning of our relationship was great. He was very attentive and spent lots of time with me. Promised me the world and I finally thought I had met a great guy and this would be a long-term thing. Then it abruptly changed, without warning. It was pretty devastating. He cannot get it together. I've given him months of chances and he's just gotten more and more distant. I've given him space for weeks at a time without communication. I've tried taking things slow. I've tried talking about it. I've read all about his issues to see how I could relate to him better. I've done everything imaginable and he's done nothing. I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him (he admits this) yet he can't get it together and even try to make it work.

I feel really bad for you, having plans to get married and everything. It's terrible how they can say all the right things and then bail at the last minute.

There are a few other women here who were involved with commitment phobes. Hopefully they'll chime in. It helps to talk to others who get it.

Hopefully breaking up with him will give him the wake up call for him to get it together and work on this relationship with you. That's what I'm hoping with mine too but like you said, I'm not counting on it.

I left my ex who I was engaged to and was with for 12 yrs in February. He would flip flop back and forth. One day he wanted to marry me, the next day he was getting a Uhaul and moving out. He moved out three times in the last two yrs of our relationship. I had it at that point. I was making wedding plans and then he decides he just isn't in love with me. Then he moves out and calls and texts every day like nothing happened and miraculously back in love with me. The back and forth fu$#ed with my mind so much. It's hard but I am 6 mo no contact. I found out in May he was already in another relationship. He needs to get his life together and I can't help him any longer. Sounds like yours might be the same. Don't settle because I did for 12 yrs and sometimes I regret the years I have lost.

Agentsmith...Gosh, isn't it so incredibly hard when they contact you with nothing but crumbs?? They show no effort or attempt to change. It's like they're saying "Here I am, your Prince charming. You can come and worship me now because I'm willing to let you back in without me having to do a thing but show up". My ex just texted me a few minutes ago saying "Is this really it?" Like dude, are you f***ing serious?? Am I not worth you humbling yourself and making changes? So freakin frustrating! Keep me posted and best of luck keeping focused with the group and home projects.

FLteach..oh hunni, 12 yrs?! I'm so sorry you went through this. However I am amazingly happy for you that you have been taking a strong stand for 6 months! You go girl! Does he still reach out to you?

Nope not at all. At first back in Feb when I told him I needed to move on he tried to talk to me for maybe two weeks. After that we only sent texts once a week or once every two weeks. Then all of a sudden I stopped hearing from him. The last time we sent texts to each other was April 13th. I kind of had a feeling he was seeing someone. I found out the end of May he was in a relationship. And I haven't heard from him since. It's as if he fell off the face of the Earth.

Well thanks to him for proving your decision to be right. I'm sure you know he's only gonna wreck thatthat relationship too. These men need some serious relationship rehab.