Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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llmt 08/31/2009

I know this has probably been posed before but at what point is it NOT healthy to grieve and cry over the loss of your marriage and losing the kids father/mother, losing the family unit, dreams, etc. that you so looked forward to. Is it a few months, a year, a few weeks...what is considered normal? The reason I ask is that I continue to have bad days...not everday of course but lately (or at least the last 3 days) I have just sat and the tears flow...not sure what is triggering them...maybe the lonliness, maybe the thought of starting work next week, maybe the fact by little man just started school and is growing so fast, maybe I look and the loss is that profound for me. I just can't figure it out, but I know it cannot be healthy but I can't change it either...I just can't stop the tears...even when I'm busy with things. Again, does anyone have any insight as to what is the "normal" timeframe?

Thanks.

--Lisa

deleted_user 08/31/2009

I think it's different for everyone.

I think when it really begins to affect your day-to-day living, long-term. I mean, I know it affects our daily lives. God I cried buckets for a year. And then was still not "normal" for at least another year. And after 3 years of separation, I still have days where I am sad.

But as long as you can function on a general basis, as long as you are not so depressed that you lay around in bed for days/weeks/etc, then I think it's ok.

Grieving takes a long time for some people, less for others. It took me a long time.

hugs, llmt!

deleted_user 08/31/2009

nj is right.... there is nothing wrong with you... you are normal! This is a very painful situation and more so in your situation, because you can't get rid of his ass!

I would think not grieving would be more abnormal.... Go easy on yourself.... and do what it takes to be happy!

deleted_user 08/31/2009

Everybody moves at their own pace. IMO opinion if it becomes diabilitating. Or if you're just not even seeing the slightest improvements from one day to the next (after some time), then you really need to rethink things. I think this is why counseling is so important.

deleted_user 08/31/2009

njmel7 is right, everyone is different. it took me 4 months for the devastation/dying feeling to go away. it's been 2 years and i'm still sad on occaision. but i'm moving on and building a good life. i don't know if i'll ever get over loving him, i still love him very much. but i just do the things i love to do and try to keep busy when thoughts of him cross my mind. i'll make it and so will you ((((((HUGS))))) xoxoxoxox

deleted_user 08/31/2009

Everyone is very right, it's an individual matter of time. I wish I knew the answer to that one. I've been divorced for almost 11 months and separated for well over a year and a half. Yesterday I was driving in the car and had this wave of sadness come over me. It didn't last long, but the loss of so many things can be overwhelming. During this grieving time, you are growing and learning a new way of living. You are making a new future, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Take the time you need to grieve. Please remember that no matter how many days in a row you cry, it will pass.

deleted_user 08/31/2009

Lisa,

Unfortunately, since the variables change for everyone, so does the time table. I can tell you it will end, but cannot tell you when kiddo.

We are here for you, as you need.

-Tom

deleted_user 08/31/2009

can't really add anything new here but there are just a thousand different things that can trigger that emotion. I felt sometimes like I did nothing but cry and sulk in between December 2008 all the way to June 2009 and even a little bit right up to last week. I still felt like crying once this weekend and I'm sure I will after this from time to time.

Try this...try setting aside a specific amount of time each day to "be sad" - maybe make it after your kids go to bed, or whenever you can get some quiet time alone. I felt that by doing that, it helped me control my outbursts to where I was crying less and less and able to keep my emotions in check when I needed to, like when my kids were around. I cried in front of them several times and I hate doing that.

deleted_user 08/31/2009

You are grieving a deep loss. Not just the absence of that person (in that regard, as a husband) but he is choosing that which seems worse than a death to me.. and my god, your whole life plan is being altered in a way you don't want it to be...

I don't know what would be a normal time frame. I can say I am two months into this and it isn't letting up yet. I have been crying a lot this weekend and even today already. It is very painful and I'm afraid the only way through it is literally THROUGH it. I am soooo wishing there was a shortcut for you....a side road somewhere.. It is so hard to see a treacherous path ahead and know that is the one you must take.

Hugs to you, LLMT.

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