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Joyed or not to be joyed? Or just screwing ourselv

Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211

Hello my friends, 


As many of you know I have been dealing with a wife who wanted a separation but wouldn't grant me marriage counseling. Yesterday was a terrible day of fighting, I was done... she won. I gave up. 


Today I shuttered at the fact that we had to meet a Psych who was evaluating our youngest child for learning issues. At the end, she asked us if we had or were planning to see a MC. It turned into a finger pointing session and we finally agreed to disagree. 


Outside, we had to discuss some of the plans for tutors this summer. That turned into us talking about us, and why she was so scared of seeing a MC. After a bunch of BS back and forth, she agreed to set a session up. I asked her since she was giving me what I asked for, what can I do in return. Pause the divorce? What?  She said nothing, that for now we are continuing with the divorce. 


So now I am thinking to myself what have I gotten myself into?  Tonight I have plans to go walking with one of the woman I met at my singles hiking group. (told the wife, and she is fine). I have another outing with a different woman next week. I did delete the dating app from my phone, as if we are going to work on us, then I will give it my all. I just dont know that I will get anything worth while from it. And until I see an actual date for MC, I dont know I am willing to give up the friends I have made, yet. 


Apparently both friends and family have both asked us why we would even try to fix things. They must see me as a GIANT ASS Hole, and I know what my ppl think of her. Suffice to say, they say I have not been right since being with her. 


I know none of you can tell me what to do. But its 14 years together. 12 married. 9 with kids. Is it worth 1 last go?  I mean we are still separated have 10 months to go on the lease. Can people fall back in love?  Or are the toxic issues dumed to overwhelm us again?


Sagacioussusan
Sagacioussusan
Sorry you're going through a difficult time. When you say you're meeting up with other women and your wife is ok with it, pretty much mean she is ready for a exit. May I suggest that even though both of you don't go to MC I would suggest you should go to some kindegree of counseling. It will help you with the process of leaving and also help you help you with the kids. It would be the best for you all the way around.
Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211
Sagac,

I do see a therapist, have been for several years working to correct many of the issues that she identified, and I agree should be worked on to be a better person. At the time of our separation she was fine with me seeing others. I have had issues with pain after sex with her and apparently voiced it enough times that she felt I should see if it happens with others, and since were separated now is a good time for me to figure that out.

The wife is and is not OK with me meeting others. I am looking for friends, and using dating apps to find people that I enjoy talking to. For me, I want to know someone to see if there is compatibility for a chance of a relationship. She asks me why I am not talking to guys if I am looking for friendship. What can I say, I am not into dick. More over, I am trying to understand her and other woman can provide me insight into ways to improve myself. All of the woman I talk to, I have explained where I am at, so they are not being used. I am upfront.

I dont know what to think anymore. I thought I had started to feel grounded now I feel like a lost soul.
Sagacioussusan
Sagacioussusan
Problem one was you trying to be what she wante, rather than who you are. Everybody could change a few things about themselves but that should be their issue not someone else. Just like an addict it's up to them to change for themselves not for anybody else. As far as the sex pain, did you ever consult with a doctor? Screwing around may cause more than just that pain. Lol!! I'm sure you take precautions but still.... Go to your therapist and discuss what you feel and want not what she feels and wants, I imagine things will become quite clearer to you. All the best!
Sagacioussusan
Sagacioussusan
Excuse the typos this tablet has a mind of its own!!
Misred
Misred
All I can say is this one reason why you don't date until you are legally divorced. One should always leave the door open a crack in case of reconciliation. If you are married, your're married. There will be plenty of time to date post divorce. All you are doing is piling on more heartache to navigate through should you reconcile.
maybe2late
maybe2late
I'm with Misred. I don't think married people should date at all.

If I wind up divorced I want to know that I tried everything I could.
Stephanie1977
Stephanie1977
If legal action becomes necessary this type of behaviour is going to hurt your case. Also the question is can you TAKE one more go? To me it sounds like you are both over it.
Anonymous112211
Anonymous112211
Thanks for all of your thoughts. The idea of me going out while we were separated was her idea, not mine. I felt like all of you, that if you open Pandora's box, you dont know what hell you could unleash. Maybe it is a fine line I am walking, but I don't feel like meeting someone new is dating. I dont have an intention of anything other than a friendship. I can't deal with anything more than that. But I do know that having in person friendships are more valuable than the virtual world.
live2ndin
live2ndin
When you look back on this moment in your life would you be proud to say you gave up, or would you be proud to say you gave it one last full fledged effort, no matter the outcome?

I wouldn't want to leave anything on the table. Setting up a date to see the counselor sounds like a small bit of hope to me, and sometimes that is all it takes.
Tranquility
Tranquility
You have to figure out what you both truly want. I do believe if both truly want to make it work, then yes, you can fall back in love and learn how to reconnect with one another. Some people try everything they can before they finally give up on the relationship. Though I must say if you and your wife are going to try to make a go at it, I would not suggest meeting up with the other girls as this could give your wife the sense that you really are not serious about trying to make things work out with the two of you. My suggestion (only my personal opinion) is to take time for yourself and find you. So many times people rush into other relationships trying to get over an ex and it doesn't usually end well. (This I can say from my own experience as well.) Before you give up, just make sure you are truly satisfied with yourself to say that you have tried everything you can to make it work. Best wishes to you during this hard time. I understand how truly difficult this is. I've been there, and for me I had to leave the situation I was in due to abuse, which is the one time I would typically tell anyone to get out of a relationship as that is certainly not a healthy relationship.
Tranquility
Tranquility
You have to figure out what you both truly want. I do believe if both truly want to make it work, then yes, you can fall back in love and learn how to reconnect with one another. Some people try everything they can before they finally give up on the relationship. Though I must say if you and your wife are going to try to make a go at it, I would not suggest meeting up with the other girls as this could give your wife the sense that you really are not serious about trying to make things work out with the two of you. My suggestion (only my personal opinion) is to take time for yourself and find you. So many times people rush into other relationships trying to get over an ex and it doesn't usually end well. (This I can say from my own experience as well.) Before you give up, just make sure you are truly satisfied with yourself to say that you have tried everything you can to make it work. Best wishes to you during this hard time. I understand how truly difficult this is. I've been there, and for me I had to leave the situation I was in due to abuse, which is the one time I would typically tell anyone to get out of a relationship as that is certainly not a healthy relationship.