Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members
100,360 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

It's been awhile.

cautiously.optimistic
cautiously.optimistic

Hey there everybody!!!  


It's been over 2 months since I have written in this group. I don't want to bore you with the whole back story but long story short 2 years in a row now my wife has wanted to "find herself". She did that for about 6 months last year then things started going right again even so much so that she thanked me for sticking around. In that time I focused on become my a better father and husband. Thought things were back to normal when she brought it up again in April of this year. Saying that she feels that she wasn't true to herself and still had feelings of wanting to find herself. So another 3 months of being separated. This time around though I spent the month of June in our spare bedroom because she wasn't sure if she should go get an apartment because of the whole year lease commitment. Both kids were asking why I was sleeping there and I just told them that my back hurt a lot and that that mattress was better for me. Anywho....we get back from a family vacation at the beginning of July and I let another month go by before I asked her how she thought "we" were doing. Her reply was simple and to the point... she said that we have been spending at lot of time together lately but that she doesn't mind it.  Still thinks we should take time for ourselves and do things without one another. So I then asked her "does that mean that the other person not know what's going on or where the other one is going?"  To which she replied "not necessarily". Keep in mind in two years she has gone away 5 times on weekends where I have no idea where she went. I do agree the we should do things separately but at the same time we are married and there shouldn't be any secrets. 


So here I sit thinking about the last time I kissed her and it's been 9 months. She even went as far to tell me she knows she doesn't want to move out now.... 


so I guess I just wanted to see what you all thought on my action.... hang tight hope for the best?  Act like everything is fine?  I mean I realize that it may take awhile to build the affection back up (she did say that to me) but it's just hard seeing our 10 year anniversary rapidly approaching and I can't even get a kiss from my wife!!!


sorry...thanks for letting me rant!!!

idontmakeherhapyenuf
idontmakeherhapyenuf
I can relate to the cycle thing that your wife and mine have in common. But don't you fear as I do that she is just waiting for something better to walk up to her? Best of luck to you. I hope the cycle is broken for each of us in one way or another.
cautiously.optimistic
cautiously.optimistic
I definitely do worry about that for sure. I remember thinking to myself last year..."I swear if she does this to me again...." bam she did it again.... but for some reason this time around I have started to envision my life without her just in case. It did make me feel that I could get over it but still be very very hard. I fight everyday with myself because I made a vow to this woman. I take care of her day in and day out... sure we have gotten a little plain in our 10 year marriage with two kids but I learned that it's a two way street and I have to put my part in. It is just unfortunate that she is going grouch this now...
best of luck to you too sir!!!
Positive thoughts and one foot in front of the other!!!
HopelessInlove
HopelessInlove
I hear people say that if you really love someone, you have to let him/her go. those kinda cliche. But when they seem to appreciate you sticking around, it messes up your mind. I think she is just being complacent. Even if some partners stick around for years, they may still be emotionally detached. she may even seem genuinely happy but she told you she is not sure. Depends on her personalty, some people will always need to have that unknown adventure fulfilled before satisfied. Call us greedy? Seems like you had given her those chances. Would you rather have a partner for the family's sake and have them tell you at your deathbed that she actually didn't love you that much or continue to give chances as things may work out. Aren't relationship supposed to be both sided? You cant be giving all the time. Or you can face the pain and cut her out now. Like the cliche continues, if she is yours, she"ll come back.
Jamess
Jamess
You don't even understand what is going on my friend, you are in the dark. Your wife is cheating on you, and is taking advantage of your weakness. And everytime she walks over you, she gets less and less attracted to you

The first rule of all relationships : " The partner / entity that needs the other the least, is the one with more power in a relationship " Let go of what you fear the most, you fear losing the wife and marriage, so you let her walk all over you.

You even show her more kindness and understanding thinking that will change her behaviour for the better, but it won't.

You said, " In that time I focused on becoming a better father and husband. ", and where did that get you ? The classic mistake men make.

You said, " then things started going right again even so much so that she thanked me for sticking around" consciously she thanked you, but subconsciously she lost all attraction and respect for you, for letting her sleep with other men aka " find herself " aka " I need some space " or any similar version.

You said, " Keep in mind in two years she has gone away 5 times on weekends where I have no idea where she went. " but we both have a good idea what she was doing wherever she went.

You need a kiss, women don't kiss men because they need kisses, she kisses a man because of attraction. And neediness isn't attractive, mostly your behaviour hasn't being attractive

You are being a nice guy, a good man and but it's all about being good at being a man. It's not really about good behaviour, it's about attractive behaviour. That's why women can even date and stay with drug addicts, neglectful and even abusive men, they might complain ( to nice guys like you ) but won't live him for a nice guy.

I have sent you a personal message, that might save your marriage.
refurb
refurb
there is logic in what james says
not in the last line however
if she needs the power in a relationship, she isn't worth taking the power from

and i'd be very surprised if she isn't fucking someone else... yuk
Danceintherain
Danceintherain
I agree with a lot of what Jamess said. Right now, she has the best of both worlds. You are home taking care of the kids, working on yourself etc. and she knows that you are a safe haven. She also gets to do whatever she wants knowing you will let her and give her her "space". She's using your love against you. I hate to be blunt but she is cheating on you. It's hard to face, I get it. I went through the same thing. But, if she had any respect or feelings for your marriage, she would either focus on you and her family or she would make a clean break and stop jerking you around. It's horrible to think the person who is supposed to love you the most, doesn't respect you and would cheat on you. It might help you to journal all the things she has said or done since this started. I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this.