Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I actually posted this in the Survivors of Sociopaths forum yesterday, but it was suggested that I post here as well to garner more perspective. I hope that's ok. I'm open to all advice and/or criticism, really anything to help shed some light on why it's hard for me to understand. Anyway, here is my story:
I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but maybe it will help me (or others) to see it in writing. I'm still coming to grips with the fact that my relationship is over, even though I know in my heart that it was unhealthy for a long time. We were together less than a year, so my story may seem trivial to some who have dealt with these issues for a decade or more, but I need to share it all the same.
The woman I was dating up until this morning acted like the sun rose and set on me for the first part of our relationship. She was always doing nice things, giving compliments, buying gifts, etc. She told me she loved me, nobody understood her I like do, thought I was "the one", and that she could see us spending the rest of our lives together. Of course, I ate it up, and gave her everything I had to offer in return. The sex was amazing, we had very in-depth and intellectual conversations, never argued about anything (she would always mirror everything I said interested me), and I truly believed every word she ever said. I couldn't get enough of her, and as far as I knew she felt the same. She has never been married, but also has a 6 year old daughter whom I really became attached to as well.
There were periods during the relationship that she would tell what I considered "white lies" about trivial things. I overlooked them, and even thought it was cute in the beginning. I chalked it up to her trying to impress me. Over time though, the lies started to grow. She would stay late at work (one time until 1am) and always have an excuse. She would have several blocks of time that were unaccounted for, and when I would ask about them she would always make up something that I knew wasn't true. Her lies were said with such sincerity and reassurance about or relationship that I would go along with it just to keep from having her disappointed in me for even questioning it. How crazy is that?!
Things were fine as far as I knew, until she took a new job a few weeks ago. This new job required her to work evenings, and the establishment closes at 9pm. There were a few nights that she wouldn't get home until after midnight, and having been through that at her last job, I decided it was time to ask if there was something going on outside our relationship that I should know about. That was a week ago yesterday. She reassured me again that everything was good, and that she was having to stay late to do a lot of the menial tasks because she was new. Another excuse that I shouldn't have bought but did. Things returned to what I thought was normal through the week, still mising some blocks of time, but I ignored them until last night when it happened again. We went shopping before she went to work yesterday because she said she needed a new outfit. I even helped her pick it out, and I didn't think a thing about it. She looked amazing in this outfit too, on top of already being a very beautiful woman. Simply stunning.
So I go about my day. Usually she will send random texts from work about whats happening, telling me she misses me, how incredible I am, etc., but last night was different. The texts barely came, I sent a few with several hours in-between replies, and finally about 3 hours after the store closed she texted to tell me she was on the way home. (we didn't live together, I don't think I mentioned that) When she got home, I finally told her that I was upset about how things went that evening. This is where it all started to go downhill. She accused me of not trusting her, and said she wanted to meet and talk about it tomorrow after she's a had a night to process.
Fast forward to this morning, and we met at a neutral site (her choice, a store parking lot of all things). I got into her car and asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about, and the first thing out of her mouth is that we should go back to being just friends. What?! Two weeks ago I was the love of your life, you wanted to be with me forever, I could do no wrong, and today you just want to be friends? Because I asked why you were 3 hours late getting home from work? I couldn't even say anthing I was so taken aback. I just told her if thats what she wanted then I'm ok with it (even though I was as far from ok as someone could be)
Things of course didn't add up. I was surprised, floored, devastated, broken hearted, etc. You name it and I felt it. I have tried all day to wrap my head around it, so I started doing some research on relationship, sociopathy, psychopathy, etc. On the checklist for Sociopath, she hit just about every box. I don't know if she is, but looking back at her behavior and how abruptly things ended, I can't help but think she may just be undiagnosed (or maybe diagnosted but left that out during our time together). From the easy of lying, to mirroring my desires and emotions, she fits the bill to a T.
All that having been said though, I'm still completely in love with her and yet devastated beyond belief. I've had relationships in the past end, some on much worse terms than these, but this one takes the cake. I was actually planning on spending the rest of my life with this person, and now I'm not sure I even knew her at all. Was anything real? Was it all a lie and a manipulation? I can't say for sure, but at this moment it feels like my world has ended.
Any advice and/or help getting through this would be greatly appreciated.