Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Is there Power in NOT talking about us?

jcolacino
jcolacino
Something I learned recently is that there are often distancers and pursuers in relationships. My ex (Cory) is definately a distancer and I am the latter. When we have had bumps in the road... she always has ran and I chased after her to resolve the issue as quickly as possible. The bigger the bump... the more I chased to resolve.

I always felt that if i didn't work quickly to resolve the problem... she would run. I never felt comfortable with any open issue between us. In this case... I never gave her space. I know i didn't but it was because of my anxiety and I thought that she would think... If I acted like I didn't care, she wouldn't ever even think about me.

If I say nothing to her except work related stuff... is that the smart thing to do in this case. I had all I could do to keep my mouth shut today and just left at the end of the day. I pretended I didn't care what she was doing or with who tonight. I just don't know what to wish for but I hope she knows how much her decisions and words hurt me. I know this sounds bad but I want her to think... "did she make a mistake". Someday i know she will. I truly was good to her and she tore my guts out....

Let me know what you think. I know I am being a fool but she has been in the drivers seat for so long! I want to drive now!

Jim
deleted_user
deleted_user
I definitely don't think you are a fool. You were the one in the relationship that kept it alive and made it last as long as it did. I've come to learn from my past two relationships that many people take their spouses for granted.....so she will miss you! The day she does it will be too late.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I used to run because the only way I was validated and felt I was loved was to be chased. I was a very lost and stupid person.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would be interested to know JC, if in looking back, do you think that you have a history of getting involved with people who prove to be emotionally unavailable? This is something that we can do rather subconsciously (especially if we were raised in homes where there was any sort of chemical dependence issues, mental health issues or abandonment issues). I'm not suggesting you do. I'm just asking you if that seems to be your history. I had to take a deep look at that myself and concluded, that yes, people who are emotionally unavailable seemed more attractive to me, and those invariably were always the type of people I seemed to attract. I have always been 'the chaser' in relationship settings.
deleted_user
deleted_user
"approach" and "withdrawl" are the natural cycles in every relationship we have, romantic or otherwise

the secret is in each person doing their own approaching and withdrawing
not doing it for each other
new2free
new2free
Jim the sadness is that we can never be sure that the other person will ever feel what we want them to feel, or understand the hurt and damage they have caused us.
As hard as I might like to wish for it, there is not guarantee that my ex will ever feel remorse for the things he did to me or to our children as a result of his temper, drinking or other addictive behaviour. I think we have to let go of that hope, because I came to the conclusion it is an exercise in futility.

As someone else once posted here, it is like drinking a glass of poison yourself in the hope that the other person will suffer the consequences - to me that made a whole lot of sense!

Backing off and only talking to her about work issues sounds like a very sane approach for your sake, and maybe, but just a very very small maybe, it may make her think about what she has lost However that is not a definite so do not hang your hopes on it.
She will probably always be in the drivers seat because it sounds like she always wants to have the upper-hand in her relationships, that is why she can walk away from them so easily, she no longer wants to allow anyone else to control her emotions.

Sorry but I think that is a given, judging from her behaviour.