It didn't work for me, but I don't regret trying as much as I regret not respecting myself while doing so, and not setting healthy boundaries. It did become a series of hopes raised followed by crushing rejection, but it was made worse by lack of boundaries and not standing my ground on what I would accept as considerate behavior from her. So, my advice would be try to save it if you still have love and hope, but respect yourself and set healthy boundaries, then stick to them.

Hey,

In my opinion no it is not worth it. It takes two make a relationship work and two for reconciliation to work as well.

My ex and I had broken up before this last time, and when she broke it off with me I knew she was serious and that nothing I said or did would change her mind.

I did go through the motions though and tried for a while to win her back. It was all pointless though and I now know it's over.

Often when a spouse has decided to eject there SO from the relationship, the one doing the ejection has already gone through the grieving process and is well ahead of the person being ejected. There is no longer anything there to win back.

Not to sound negative myself, I just think it's realistic to not get ones hopes up. It does happen though, it just doesn't happen very often. The person leaving would have to realise that there is something worth going back to, and if they've already given up then they already don't believe there is anything worth going back to.

Don't worry about being negative, this is a forum for hurt people, it's a safe place to share how you feel.

Tailspin you are fine. You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Today my emotions are hitting me like Tons of Bricks. Tomorrow is her BDay and we were supposed to celebrate it together. Instead she will be celebrating it with her new man. Tons of Bricks man. Hang in there things will work itself out for the better. Prayers for all of us.

Unfortunately, I think "control" plays a key role in a lot of relationships. I never understood the concept until I got married. Some people establish control early on in a relationship because they are seeking to have someone provide some sort of service to their partner in some way.

Tailspin916- I think it depends on the two people in the relationship and circumstances that brought it to the point of considering divorce.

If there is cheating involved, I think it's very difficult to rebuild. The cheater has to be the one that wants to reconcile and they have to do a lot of work to fix what they essentially blew up. Most cheaters use cheating as an escape to whatever is bothering them so it kind of defies belief that they will lead with humility and do the hard work.

Even if they do, the betrayed spouse has to perpetually eat the shit sandwich of knowing that they're with someone who betrayed them so I think the odds are long on that one.

In any case though if only one person is doing the work to salvage the marriage, then it's doomed for failure. That's what happened in my failed marriage. After the ex cheated, I wanted to try to save the marriage but he didn't do any of the work necessary. After three years, I finally had enough and I asked for a divorce. I'm so much happier now.

Bottom line, you have to do what works for you. If your spouse isn't willing to do the work then it's time for you to go.

i think most of the time when it gets to the point that the other person actually expresses they don't want to be together anymore, they've thought it for a while. meaning, they have some of the peace and closure that the "dumpee" does not have. if you're the one getting broken up with, you likely don't see it coming the way the person initiating the break up does. so we spring into denial, bargaining, etc. the other person is likely already past that.

also, it seems like often someone initiates a breakup, either to pursue someone else in particular, or just to explore their options. then they try to come back when they see the grass isn't greener. but they don't admit this, no instead they take advantage that the one they dumped is still holding onto hope and feelings. so, even if they come back, they usually aren't coming from a healthy or respectful place.

every situation is different, but the vast majority of the time it isn't worth it, it's just gonna be that much harder to grieve the loss after several months in limbo, than just letting go from the initial break up. but most people think they are the exception to the rule, instead of seeing that the writing is on the wall.

I think teenagers may play the breakup makeup game and that's fine but once your an adult and have kids and build a life but then one of the spouses wants out and initiates the breakup they've thought long and hard about it and their mind is made up. There has to be a reason for them to back track on that and in this past year reading these boards and other sites and books, reconciliation if not attempted quickly won't happen. In my case I would've done anything early on to get back together but not now. I've healed a lot this past year and quite frankly I went through too much pain to go backwards. I'm sure she went through pain making her decision but she did so quietly and never gave us a chance once she dropped her bombshell. She was 100% finished and had zero interest on working on us. It took me all if the past year to get comfortable being alone as it was a 24 year relationship and really I'm not totally healed but much much better than the early months. It takes 2 committed partners to save it, if one wants out then that's it and trying to convince them to stay kind of turns yourself into a car salesman selling yourself to someone and just sounds needy and weak. If someone really wants out and away from you my feeling is let them go and find your own happiness.

Is not so much is it worth it or not - it's about understanding. We want to think that people should stay in love forever but that's more a society myth than anything. That's not how it goes w/many. When someone says they no longer want to be married or doesn't know how they feel, help them pack and open the door for them.

Tailspin I understand your frustration. It is not completely hopeless but even though people might have similar experiences, people are still somewhat different in how they handle them. I am making progress with my wife. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I stumble. I feel pain and insecurity every day. Your wife could still come around, and you seem to be doing a good job of making it possible. Yes it is worth trying. Your marriage, your family, even your horribly misguided wife are worth trying for to the very end. But most importantly your own perception of the quality of your love deserves seeing this through. You don't want any "What if's."

Thanks everyone as always for the helpful replies. Here's what I'm going to do:

Not going to change who I am. I've always been a never put myself first kind of person. From friends, coworkers and family, I've always made sure everyone's needs were taken care of before I took care of mine. Just because she's emotionally checked out and in many instances seem mean, manipulative and heartless, I'm not going that route, it's just not me and not in my DNA. I will continue to be who I am and if she or anyone for that matter take advantage of that, then shame on her/them!

But I'm not going to be a door mat either. I can continue to be civil and exchange pleasantries and continue small talk, but will not go out of my way to do anything for her, unless I benefit from it as well (like grocery shop if she's going to cook).

Hold her accountable for paying her share of the household bills, as she agreed to when she got the job, until she moves out. Her first paycheck is this Friday and I will remind her of this agreement. She had a free ride for 10 years, that stops now.

Protect myself. I will drill it in my head that she's done, she's made up her mind. No amount of begging, pleading, going out of my way to please her will change her mind. Not going to let her few kind gestures make me think there's hope. Unless she flat out says she made a mistake and want to work things out, I will assume our marriage is completely done.

I know it will be very difficult to stick to my guns and I am sure I will slip up and set myself up for disappointment and pain. When any of that happens, at least I know I can turn back to this site for the emotional support and words of encouragement.

Thank you all again, as you all have been more helpful to me than my friends have been. I have not mentioned anything to my family....yet.

Things are different for everyone, I questioned whether I held out hope for too long and allowed more pain than I should have. But I do feel that I can say I truly did my best to honor my marriage vows and do the best for my family and children. Ultimately it takes two and I didn't give ultimatums, he continued with his needs and friend(s) needs. It's been three months since he moved out and still adamantly denies that he or his friend have done or are doing anything wrong. Which legally, they haven't. Morally and ethically...well, I just don't agree.
But not my place to judge and understand I can only control me. Would like our kids to have a better understanding of my feelings and loss. Realize that this is my problem not theirs and at this point I'm sure they wouldn't believe it anyway. Honestly, the man he used to be, I wouldn't believe it either if someone had told me. I don't want them to not like him or think poorly of him. Just would like them to have an idea of where I'm at.
Best of luck and don't think that trying if there is a chance is ever a bad thing, especially when children are involved.