Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Is it a good idea to see him?

ReneeS66
ReneeS66
My husband and I have been separated for about a month. I'm in the worst pain imaginable. During the months of August and September we were having a lot of serious problems. It came to a head in the middle of September and he moved out. He never told me he was moving back. I came home from work on a Monday and he was gone. He left me no note or any kind of explanation. I filed for divorce the next day. Recently, I heard from a mutual friend that he contacted her telling her how much he loves me and how much he misses me, etc. I really find this hard to believe given the way he left me and what he had done to me. I felt this was another move on his part to manipulate me into getting back together. He knows exactly what to say and how to soften me up. It has worked in the past, but this time is so much different. I have absolutely zero trust in him. I still care about him and I still love him in spite of everything. When I heard this from our friend, it made me really angry because he is trying to come off as the "victim" when it was he that ruined our marriage. (He stole money from me, lied to me, stabbed me in the back, and I believe he is involved in something shady.) He wanted our friend to tell me he wants me to come to his apartment, walk in and just hold each other! Really? I told her that was never going to happen and I was really angry that he was putting her in the middle. So, after my conversation with my friend set in, I went back to being sad, depressed and crying uncontrollably. I had to admit to myself that I DO miss him even though I don't want to. As the days went on, so did my uncontrollable crying and sadness. The other day, I couldn't take it anymore. I have so many unanswered questions and I really need to hear him take ownership to what he's done and I want him to say I'm sorry. Just once. I caved in and I texted him. I know, HUGE MISTAKE. It was just something I needed to do. Well, I didn't get the answers to any of my questions from him and he is actually blaming all of this on me telling me had no choice but to leave, blah, blah, blah, blah. It is beyond frustrating but I should have known I wasn't going to get what I was looking for. He kept asking for us to meet and talk in person. I told him that was pointless because he won't be honest. But what I am having a problem with is that I miss him so much that all I want to do is run into his arms. I know that will only make things so much worse for myself and set me back in my progress of trying to get over this. How do I resist meeting him somewhere? If I were to see him, would it help me or do the opposite? All I keep thinking about his him. I don't want to but I can't help it.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
Sorry your going through this. I think you've answered your own question when you say how he responded to your text. That's classic response right there. They never respond how you would like them to or how you imagine they will. He just went directly into blame shifting. You can expect more of the same if you go and see him. I listened to my ex shortly after she left me go on and on how this was my fault and how I didn't do this or that...NEVER did she take the blame for anything..turned out she was banging someone on her weekends away with the girlfriends lol. So my advice is hunker down and go no contact and work on healing. You don't say how long you were married or if kids are involved. Good luck to ya, it does get better once you break all contact and focus on yourself :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Renee - My husband too moved out recently and I am struggling with "missing him" and anger. This is a confusing time. We are grieving the loss of someone. So don't be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions, and in time this too shall pass. Eventually we will reach a point of acceptance, but we must allow ourselves to get there. We also have to accept that we may never get the answers to all the questions... the what if? the why me? or how could you do this? Perhaps we are being shielded from those answers because they are too detrimental to our progress. Keep your faith. Feel your feelings. And let some time pass. Eventually you will be able to have conversations with your husband that are effective. Only once we are strong enough and absolutely have decided what we want in the future. That does take time. This affirmation has helped me - hoping it brings you some hope.

I understand that grief is a natural process and I'm letting it flow through me. I am looking forward to a future of love and acceptance, and it is okay to feel my feelings.

Hugs.
ReneeS66
ReneeS66
Thank you both so much for your responses. I agree that there should be NO contact at all. Especially since we both have attorneys. But it is so hard to fight that urge. And you're so right, I will never get the answers I need from him. He refuses to be honest. And yes, this is grief magnified 1000%. I feel like it's never going to stop but I know it will eventually. I do have good days but the bad days lately outweigh the good days. -- We were married a year and five months but we have been together since 2006. He was a part of me for a long time and now I have to change my whole world and it's very scary. But I can also tell myself that it can also be exciting.
gem111
gem111
Hi Renee,
I am sorry you are going through this.
From what you describe this guy is a classic emotional abuser. One of the main things they always do is to blame you for everything that goes wrong in the marriage. At least it doesn't sound like you are falling for that one.
One thing that is extremely hard about an abuser is somehow they make it so hard to leave the marriage. No matter how bad they treat their spouse there is a horrible amount of pain, just like you are going through.
If this guy is an abuser, abusers do NOT like to lose their victims, and he will say or do ANYTHING, even promise you the moon if you only come home, because they just can't live without you. It is all lip service. When or if you go back to him the abuse will soon start up again. This is just how it works and also if you try and find answers, like you did, you will never get any.
I think it is truly in your best interest to stay away from this guy. Putting your friend in the middle is totally ridiculous.
The only way with leaving an abuser is to focus on yourself with some much needed self care. Do what you like to do, even if it's as simple as a bubble bath, or a walk, a book movie, or a trip to the mall.
It will take time to get over him, but you will be so much better off.
The very most important thing of all is if you want to be successful with as little pain as possible, the only way it can be done is by NO CONTACT. this is the only way. Abusers if given any chance can manipulate you back where they want you.
I wish the very best for you and always listen to your gut.
ReneeS66
ReneeS66
Gem111, you are 100% right. He is an emotional, mental and verbal abuser. And I think he is a narcissist. Over the course of our whole relationship, we have broken up and gotten back together so many times. And every break up was worse than the last. And this one is the worst of all. This is a divorce, not just a break up. And you are also right that he is a master manipulator. He knows exactly what to say to get to me. He will bring up certain memories or things we have done together. That's what makes it so hard. But I agree about their being no contact at all. I knew when I was writing my text that it was a big mistake but at that minute, I needed the contact. I was so programmed living my life conforming to how he wanted me to be. I now feel lost without him. I know that this will take time, I just wish it was quicker. And like you said, things may be good for a little while, but he will eventually go back to his old ways. Thank you for understanding.
felifel
felifel
I know the feeling all too well. My ex husband also caused our divorce due to similar behavior. You would have thought he wanted a divorce by his actions. After I left and filed for divorce he hit rock bottom and told me he actually did love me and was sorry. It has been a constant struggle not giving in and letting him back in my life. He constantly plays the victim and tries to make me feel sorry for him. I know if I were to take him back he would just bring me down and continue to make selfish decisions in the future that would hurt me. Your mind will play tricks on you though. You will remember all the good memories and sometimes forget all the crap they did to you. Just remember to look at the bigger picture.
charliegirl29
charliegirl29
I have had a horrible time with this very issue. I think what we forget is we are not really missing the person who has done this damage. You are missing a relationship that no longer exists between the two of you. A relationship changes after damage is done but i believe we want the comfort of the familiar. My answer in how is it that you resist urges to take him back is to convince yourself of your own feelings about him as a person. I am very sorry that you have togo through it. Its extremely hard.
ReneeS66
ReneeS66
Yes, it is soooo hard. I agree about missing the relationship and the idea of what could have been rather than missing the person. It's all so confusing. I just wish things didn't come to this point.