Sometimes we jump into relationships too quickly when one ends. It may stop the pain for a while but then reality sets in. I've done this in my life and I think what would have been better for me is to really get to know me. Get to love me and find my strengths and develop them. Maybe I would have attracted a better set of people if I felt stronger and happier. I don't really have an answer but just putting it out there.

I would like to share this. A DS friend shared it on another group:

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-ar...


5 Reasons Why You Might Want to End Your Relationship
By Dr. Margaret Paul
May 23, 2011

If you are considering ending your relationship, you might want to read this article.
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When I married my ex-husband in 1963, I was determined to create a stable, loving relationship. I wanted an intact family where we could raise our children and share the joys of our grandchildren.

We did raise our children together, but ended the marriage after 30 years. We do get to share the joys of our grandchildren, but as friends rather than partners.

Through the process of our difficult marriage, and my 43 years of counseling individuals and couples, I learned much about why it is better for some relationships to end.

Physical and/or Verbal Abuse

If there is physical abuse or severe verbal abuse, this relationship should end. It is never loving to yourself to stay in a relationship that is physically dangerous to you or to your children. Nor is it loving to yourself or your family for you to be consistently subjected to intense, heartbreaking verbal abuse.

Everyone deserves to be loved and supported for who they are, and if you are with a partner who cannot do this, then you need to love and support yourself enough to not be subjected to abuse.

Addictions

Substance addictions such as alcohol or drugs that interfere with the ability of you and your partner to connect with each other can cause much loneliness and heartbreak. As much as you and your partner might love each other, you deserve to be with someone whose love is reliable.

Process addictions, such as a gambling addiction that threatens your financial security, or a sexual addiction (porn, affairs) lead to much heartbreak and lack of trust. Affairs can also lead to physical danger, due to sexually transmitted diseases. Unless your partner wants to heal these addictions and is receiving help, you will continue to suffer and be at the mercy of the addictions.

Personality Disorder

While personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personal Disorder (BPD) can be healed, it takes much motivation on the part of the person with the disorder to heal it. If there is no motivation to heal, then being at the other end of the anger, neediness, control issues and crazy-making may not be healthy for you. Expecting someone to change if they are not receiving intensive help is completely unrealistic - you will wait forever.

Growing Apart

People are attracted at their common level of woundedness or their common level of health. If you and your partner were both abandoning yourselves when you met, and if you went on a healing and growth path but your partner didn't, then it is likely that you have grown apart.

This is what happened in my marriage. As I learned and healed, our formerly codependent system shifted and I was no longer willing to be a caretaker. Our relationship was based on the caretaker/taker codependent system, so when I shifted the system, we stopped being able to connect on the wounded level on which we previously connected. When our relationship reached a place where there was no more learning and growth occurring, and no connection between us, it was time to move on.

No Learning or Growth

One of the great values of relationships is being able to heal, learn and grow emotionally and spiritually with each other. When one partner is not available to learn and grow, the relationship may become stagnant. At the beginning, when there is passion and excitement, it might not be evident that learning and growth is not a priority, but as time goes on you might find yourself feeling sad that you cannot share the excitement of learning and growth with your partner. Sometimes, a partner who is not interested in learning can still be supportive of the other continuing to learn and grow with others, but if your partner is threatened by your learning and growth then it might be time to leave.

I always encourage people to do their own inner work before leaving a marriage, as we take ourselves with us and often create the very same dysfunctional relationship next time. The time to leave is when you are happy within, due to taking loving care of yourself, but you find that your partner is either not willing or not interested in taking responsibility for himself or herself.

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I hope this helps a little. BEst wishes and big hugs. I'm glad you already knew about DS.

Thanks Lucille, I hear you! and I agree. I had gotten happy with me and was in a good place when I got togther with my boyfriend. He was not a rebound and I was fine on my own. My eyes were open and I was true to myself when we got together. After all I have been through, I am just affraid I am looking for something that does not exists. I have become selfish and unwilling to work at things. I thought I would be happy if I just had a family, now I have a big one and I don't even feel like playing Mom any more. I have a hard time finding fun or joy in anything! I wonder if I am with the wrong person or if it is just me! I'm really leaning towards it being me! I got what I asked for and I am still not satisfied. Don't think I ever will be!

Thank you JustSpiffy, I could relate to a lot of what was written! I am still not sure if I am willing or wanting to make the effort any partner would deserve from me to make a relationship work. I have given so much in my life to people who never gave in return that I think I am ruined. I think my trust has been so broken over the years I don't trust this mans love even though I have no reason to doubt it other than my own feelings of unworthiness. I am affraid my lack of interest is going to push him away. I already feel like we are becoming distant. I need to decide to put forth the effort or just choose to be alone so I don't have to try. The more I think about it the more I realize I am the problem.

There is so much to be said for going it alone for a while and healing. It's hard, and its painful at times, but so worth it!! Think of it as a present to yourself. Healing is so important after breakups, and not enough people want to go through that painful journey, but it's essential.

I can relate to what you are saying, not from my own experience, but from my wife's. She was married twice before her marriage to me and has had many relationships in between. She took time to really understand herself before she met me, and she came into our relationship feeling very sure that she knew what she wanted and needed in a relationship and thought she had it in me. She was surprised to find that it wasn't that way afterall. She wants to figure out why it is that she can't make relationships 'stick'--her word. She is confused and seems to think the 'problem' is within her and not really to do with me or us as a couple. It's like she's searching for something that doesn't seem to exist. I feel like I was a projection of what she wanted me to be, but that in time she found out that I am my own individual and not the person she had decided I was when we first talked (online dating). So, from the perspective of the person on the other side of the relationship, I feel like I am not sure that we ever had a chance. I feel like I was not the person she even saw when she looked at me. I was merely a projection of what she wanted in a man--and the real me isn't the same as the man she wanted to find. I always felt that way too. I never felt that she really liked me, but rather the idea of me. She didn't find happiness with me, though she was sure she had. She does say that whatever changed is within her. So, that leaves me with nothing much I can do or say. I feel like I never had a chance in this relationship. I feel like I was a lesson for someone else to learn. I did get somehing good out of the marriage, lots of good things, but in the end I don't feel there's anything I can or could do to make a difference in her sense of me. It's like the whole relationship is in her hands. Our marriage, but I am not really part of the team. It makes you feel powerless, if you let it. I'm moving on and making sure I know more about the person I am with next time so that I don't go through this again! Yes, this is a super long response....most of my responses tend to be that way...guess I got a lot on my mind!

do you think maybe you havent fully healed from the loss of the marriage and then the loss of the relationship after that? i dont know how soon you got into the relationship after your marriage - did you give yourself time to heal? go to therapy? learn how to love you again?

one of my friends from high school and i went thru our divorce at the same time (within 1 month of each other) and she left her husband largely because of the reasons you state above - she couldnt put her finger on it, but she knew she wasnt happy. i am concerned about her because she is already in another relationship (not even 2 months post divorce) and she is already looking to relocate her children and her to another city to be with him and his kids (she is now 8 months post divorce). i dont think she has had time to heal and i dont want her to get hurt.

that aside - maybe this is the issue with the both of you. do you think you could do individual and group counseling? take some time apart to try to figure things out to see if you have healed or are just holding on so you dont have to be alone? i am sorry you are going thru this. staying with someone because you needed help as single parents isnt love. i think if you take the time to heal you, it wont matter if anyone comes into your life in that way because you will love you and enjoy your own company - everything else will be icing on the cake.

i hope this helps? keep talking it out. best of luck to you.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and caring responses. I really did take time for me before getting into this relationship. I was happy, healthy and in a good place before I met my guy. I didn't need him but I did want him. He is the best guy I have ever had in my life and I do love him and his kids. For some reason I'm just checked out and not willing to be the giver I once was. He is not perfect by any means (nor am I obviously). We have more good days than bad. I just don't understand why I won't give it my all. I just feel tired and spent! We have been talking to our Pastor and they help. I think deep inside I am still afraid to invest too much in anyone, which is sad but I think I hold back so if we crash and burn I won't have to go through what I have been through before. It is very hard to trust again and let him be too important in my life. Not fair to him and could end up causing us to crash and burn! I just wish I could get to a place where I threw caution to the wind and jumped in with both feet committed to doing whatever it took to make it work but I stay guarded and unsure taking things day to day and changing my outlook of our future day to day. No way to live!

You won't ever be happy in any relationship until you can learn to be happy with yourself and with who you are.

I get lonely sometimes, but I wouldn't give up where I am now for what I was in during my marriage for anything.

The only problem I am dealing with now is that I found someone I thought was perfect for me, but distance kept us apart and nothing can fix that now.

wow, you sound confused. is it the newlywed phase ended? Or do you need space to figure out what you need. YOu have been through alot and your questions are tough to answer. Maybe you could move into your own place to fugure yourself out. I do not know if you can affors to do this..best of luck!