Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Yes, I am technically female, and married to another person who is also female.
The only thing that's different are the pronouns, really...
I've been going through a self-transformation process...and as part of it I have come to realize... I do not think my wife is good for me.
She says she loves me...but it's always me chasing her. Me courting her. Her pushing me away. Me feeling like I want too much love, too much sex, too much attention.
Has been for 10 years. She's been critical, she's been distant, she let me go through horrible emotional stuff pretty much alone.
From now on, if she wants me, she has to win me back.
She has to give me affection. She has to suggest sex. She has to offer me emotional support, cuddling, talking...all this stuff I kept desperately trying to get, and getting pushed away. Getting hurt over and over and over in the process.
I would sit there and wait for her to be ready to talk to me, an ache in my chest...while she sat there, had breakfast and netsurfed. And she'd yell at me if I started talking.
She says she does not know how to court me, I told her she'd better figure it out.
My honest expectation though is that she will not be able to pull this off. But I do not, do not, DO NOT hate her.
And maybe she will be able to improve...but I'm not going to feel guilty for having a sex drive. I'm not going to be made to feel repulsive and bestial anymore. I have a normal desire for sex with my spouse. Desires she knew I had well before we married.
So why do I feel like a damnable traitor for wanting out? After she compared my reaction during sex to a chimpanzee's?
Communication has improved since I exploded.
To my faults must be added that I let it go on far, far too long before I blew up. I suspect my feelings may be gone, and I don't know if I can get them back. I still love her, but am VERY unhappy in this marriage.
The only thing that's different are the pronouns, really...
I've been going through a self-transformation process...and as part of it I have come to realize... I do not think my wife is good for me.
She says she loves me...but it's always me chasing her. Me courting her. Her pushing me away. Me feeling like I want too much love, too much sex, too much attention.
Has been for 10 years. She's been critical, she's been distant, she let me go through horrible emotional stuff pretty much alone.
From now on, if she wants me, she has to win me back.
She has to give me affection. She has to suggest sex. She has to offer me emotional support, cuddling, talking...all this stuff I kept desperately trying to get, and getting pushed away. Getting hurt over and over and over in the process.
I would sit there and wait for her to be ready to talk to me, an ache in my chest...while she sat there, had breakfast and netsurfed. And she'd yell at me if I started talking.
She says she does not know how to court me, I told her she'd better figure it out.
My honest expectation though is that she will not be able to pull this off. But I do not, do not, DO NOT hate her.
And maybe she will be able to improve...but I'm not going to feel guilty for having a sex drive. I'm not going to be made to feel repulsive and bestial anymore. I have a normal desire for sex with my spouse. Desires she knew I had well before we married.
So why do I feel like a damnable traitor for wanting out? After she compared my reaction during sex to a chimpanzee's?
Communication has improved since I exploded.
To my faults must be added that I let it go on far, far too long before I blew up. I suspect my feelings may be gone, and I don't know if I can get them back. I still love her, but am VERY unhappy in this marriage.
I remember, all too well, when it became apparent I was working on the marriage a lot harder than my X husband was. I felt like a "nuisance" like I was the constant weight around his neck when, really, what was I doing? Trying to communicate...trying to kickstart my marriage.
In my opinion, you have explained your needs and frustrations quite well. I can see where my wife would say, "She doesn't know how to court you" because, after ten years, the "dating" and "courting" seems to become a memory versus an active part of marriage still. Maybe she wants to, but doesn't truly know how?
However, that being said, I think it's healthy you expressed your concerns. It sounds like you two need marriage counseling because she is putting up a roadblock in your communication and you sound like you're about to, or have started, shutting down.
I wish you the best. If it's worth saving, both people need to be on board and BOTH need to do the work. Big hugs!
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/30-second-quizzes/love/
My best suggestion? TELL HER. "she doesn't know how to court you?". TELL HER. "I need....". One can't ever have their needs met if the other person doesn't know what they are.
It might help to explain that she is almost certainly aspergers'.
She loves, but cannot project herself into the perspectives of others. Too, talking, touching and having sex she finds stressful...these are the very things that make me feel relaxed, loved, and safe...Meanwhile, she likes to go do things together and make memories...I have PTSD. This comes with a side order of agoraphobia. If I get overwhelmed by too many people, I may have a panic attack.
She has made me feel horrible by being critical about everything. I asked her to please stop criticizing me... over and over and over...told her that things she says hurt me...and it is only now she's actually got this message, after I finally exploded at her.
It's not like I didn't say anything-I did, in fact she agreed I've been complaining about it all along.
She could not understand that she was hurting me and I needed it to stop a long time ago. I just thought she didn't care. She's been one of the things that's helped torpedo my self-confidence, and she didn't even understand that she was doing anything wrong.
I talk and try to communicate, but I manly just make her angry this way.
And she seems to find sex disgusting...she doesn't have a sex drive.... and she does not "understand" sex. She finds my sex drive "boundless and overwhelming" because I would like to have it at least once a week, maybe twice.
I think that this is the most unfixable problem. She seems to hate and fear my sexuality. This rubbed off, and I started to be ashamed of my desire for a normal-frequency sex life.
I feel like i'm asking her to do me like the dishes or the laundry, just another chore to be ticked off.
I'm determined to be happy to be a sexual being again.
...The reason I said I was a jerk, is because I think that it's probably over, that it's very unlikely she can pull off an 11th-hour save. She's going to be very hurt, and I care about her.
Hurting her feelings will happen whether you break up or keep her in a relationship you, yourself, are unhappy with. It's a no-win, but at the same time, if you decide to end it, please keep giving her the respect and dignity you have been...simply because you do care about her.
Rotten, but true.
and such really great responses to it
I dont have anything to add except maybe
"Hi Jerk, Part-time BadAss here, nice to meetcha"
:)
(((hugs)))