i dont think you bring them in the kids lives til you are divorced and please kids arent that stupid

I don't think until there is a definite commitment to that other person - a sorta' for life commitment - and certainly not until the divorce.

I agree with you. Most of what I've read suggests that it's best for kids to have clear beginings and endings in stuff like this. It's best if you wait until the divorce is final and the kids have some time to adjust to that. This is something that myself and my in-laws told my STBX.

Not that that made any impact on her at all. She's already introduced the kids to the OM, added him to our family phone plan, and put his number on speed dial in my son's cell phone. In fact she takes them for weekends out with him all the time. In my opinion it's because she needs the children to like the OM more than "daddy" to alleviate her guilt and tell herself this is the right thing.

It's not uncommon for parents to use children in this way. Women who cheat often justify it to themselves by believing the OM is their soul mate, and using their children to affirm this belief in their mind is par for the course. I'm not entirely sure what the effect, if any, will be on them. You might be able to find more information on it online though.

Anytime I ask my kids what they did that day and it involves HIM, my daughter replies "I don't know or dont'remember." That is pretty much a code for he was there with them. I hate it when the kids get in the middle of this stuff. I tell my daughter not to worry, move on and ask her general questions, to make her at ease.

She did the wrong thing...IMHO. I tried to get my STBX to agree in the settlement that neither of us would introduce our son to a "romantic interest" until we had been seeing that person exclusively for 6 months post-divorce (so no counting his time cheating). No deal. He said "I won't have you controlling my life like that and besides I am an adult and I will handle things the right way for (son)". He hasn't introduced the OW yet...and I really do suspect that she has bailed anyway. When it happens it will happen and I will have to pick up the pieces.

I just had to take a class on this, which is mandatory in my county to get a divorce, and one of the biggest things they talked about was the introduction of OW & OM. They stressed, and I agree, that the children shouldn't meet anyone that your dating, unless or until it has gotten serious to the point where you may be with then for life, or years or whatever. In fact our parenting agreement, neither my stbx or I can have the children meet anyone that we have been dating until it has been at least 6 months. Not even see them. Plus, you don't want your kids getting attacked to someone who may not be there very long, then again, then again. I'm sure thats not the relationship skills you want to expose them too. So I'd error on the side of caution, and wait as long as possible.

Do you think that's good advice regardless of the children's ages, Erin?