Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members

100,360 Posts

2 Online

copingwith2 09/12/2017

So last night when he dropped the kids off I told him that I had a lawyer do an interim proposal for custody, child support, finances, etc. He lost it at me. He first was mad none of my family contacted him to wish him a happy birthday - which I don't know why they would since he left me and is living with another woman. Then he accused me of taking all his money to pay for a lawyer - which I didn't my parents paid the retainer. Then he told me he was going to take the kids from me and he has opened a new bank account and I won't see his pay or anything else anymore and he was done. He said a few more things about how he would become primary care of the kids and he would get them overnight on school nights (we live 45 mins apart now). I barely slept last night. Then he calls this morning to ask about our daughter's sneakers and to ask if I saw the carrots he bought for the pigs (pigs he brought to the house in June after he left me). Then he says what is wrong with you? I told him I wasn't trying to hurt him with the interim proposal, I was just trying to get things set up so he couldn't say I don't let him see the kids (which is not true). I was trying to set up a schedule and it was just interim to see if it worked and if not we could make changes. I said that I am trying to separate things like he wants so why is he so mad? He doesn't have an answer for me. I hate this whole heartedly, no matter what I do it seems to be wrong. He lives with another woman and sleeps in her bed, she announced that they are in a relationship all over facebook, why would he think I would not try to get things separated. Why is he being so mean and how the hell do people deal with this??

movingon2016 09/12/2017

Don't let him get to you. He's being ridiculous. He doesn't expect backlash when he leaves you and has another woman? He thinks you should stay in Limbo until he's ready to change it? Oh Please! That man needs a dose of reality.

Good for you! He's being mean because you are not doing what he wants (which only helps him) and you are taking control of your life. Be strong woman!!!

copingwith2 09/12/2017

thank you, I am trying really hard, but I was just told I look like a walking skeleton at work and maybe should go home. I have lost about 40 pounds since this started back in May. I wish he still loved me like I love him, I wish I could stop loving him like he has stopped loving me so I could feel something besides sadness. I am trying everything to do what everyone keeps telling me is right and what I should be doing, when what I want to do is beg him to come home and work it out.

movingon2016 09/12/2017

I personally think you should change your focus. "I wish he still loved me like i love him". What would your world be like if you focused on how much you can love yourself. You cannot change his feelings. You cannot make him love you. What would happen if you loved yourself just a little more?

We throw around words like selfish, narcissist, and many more. I'm learning through therapy to change my focus from him to me. I can change myself. I still live with the shame of my relationship. Many people do not tell others how their lives are because they are afraid of being judged in one way or another. It is hard to focus on yourself.

Think about this... If you focus on yourself you can start thinking "i deserve more than this". I deserve a man who loves me. I'm not playing second fiddle to him much less another woman. Your life has NEVER been about him. Only you get to live it. He lives his own life. Live a life you are proud to tell the world about.

copingwith2 09/12/2017

movingon2016 thank you for that. Can you tell me how you are changing your focus, what are you doing? I can't seem to wrap my head around changing my focus and mind set. I just am in such a slump and sadness. How are you changing your mindset? Any tips are greatly appreciated, I need to figure out how to love myself again, because you are right, I don't love myself, I blame myself for all of this, even though it is not all my fault. I carry this weight of the end on my whole body and I can't seem to lift it or figure out how to remember I am a person who deserves to be loved and treated right. How do I do it?

Misred 09/12/2017

He's being mean because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions.

JWMS47 09/12/2017

So sorry to hear what you are going through! As for changing your focus, I found it helpful to take up a hobby. It is not easy to do at first. But if you can find something you enjoy doing it and make an effort to stick with that, it will help you to begin to take some of this off your mind. Treat yourself to something nice when your kids are away and you are missing them. Think about dreams/goals you have always had for yourself and your children and take this opportunity to work to make those things happen.

jojored 09/13/2017

Maybe in the short term you can't see how strong you are, but you are strong! You've had that interim agreement drafted, and responded to his ridiculousness with the only thing that he can't respond to - common sense and reality. He wants you to just do nothing, let him cheat and live with a GF while you maintain status quo? And take care of his new pig? You're not standing idly by for that, you are taking action. Oftentimes taking that first step at self-preservation is the hardest step. I say bravo to you. As for that pig, unless you have a farm and other animals, or the ability to maintain a job, raise children, and watch over a pig, I'd tell him to pick up the pig. Is it a symbolic thing, something that ties you to him and the old life? Bacon. As to why he can be so mean - he's a selfish ass. How do you cope? You keep telling yourself that you need to be strong for YOU, for the kids, for the future you. Eat when you're not hungry. Take walks with the kids when you're tired. Paste that smile on when you have to. Fake it till you make it. Read and inform yourself about breakups. See a therapist. Have the kids see one if they're struggling. You're in crisis mode right now, just get through this mode in one piece. It might take you a month or two or more to get past this phase 1, but eventually you'll be able to look back and say "Damn, I did it. I survived." Next step, thrive.

themiddle 09/13/2017

I have the same type of situation. My husband moved out in July to move in with the OW that he had been having an affair with for more than 2 years. The extra added bonus was that five days after he left she had his baby. In the meantime, I am still in our house with our kids in limbo. Our kids are older (17) and for now will not see him so we don't have the custody issue but I am trying to contact him to move forward with a divorce or whatever it is we are doing. I have sent him two emails now with outlines of what we need to do going forward and he has yet to respond. I have texted him and he said he is just very busy but he will respond soon. Meanwhile, I am in limbo. I am married to a man who lives with another woman. I don't have any great advice I just wanted to let you know that there are more of us out here going through similar situations. Hugs!!

copingwith2 09/13/2017

Thank you everyone. I am hoping the light starts to appear at the end of this horrible tunnel. He told me he was changing his pay to his new bank account and I wouldn't see the money. Which doesn't work because we need to still pay for the house until we can sell it.

movingon2016 09/13/2017

For the longest time I could not listen to any love songs because I no longer believe in love. I was ashamed of myself for making excuses for him and staying so long. I never saw what his actions did to my confidence and self esteem.

Today I can admit i'm broken, ashamed, and without hope. I walk a few miles every day after dark on a track and listen to love songs. When i listen to them I think about myself. The first week I cried and cried as I walked. I cried and walked until I was exhausted. Then i started listening to them and thinking about me and the good things about me. Eventually my focus changed from Jessica Mauboy's "Never Be the Same" to Big Sean's "I don't give a freak about you".

I still listen to "My Immortal" by Evanesence and think that he still has a hold over me and i'm never going to be free. I have my up and down days but I'm moving on. I think about what i want and read this saying to myself "IF you really want something you will find a way...if you don't, you will find an excuse." I'm trying to find ways. I'm not sure if my broken pieces will ever be put back together. All i know is for the most part, every day that goes by i'm a little more free.

Punk 09/13/2017

if you would like you can give me his number i will wish him a happy birthday then post it on craigslist so he gets more attention feel free to ask i would love to help you have a great day

copingwith2 09/13/2017

thank you Punk, but I am not there yet. Movingon2016, I find love songs very hard as well.

Join the Conversation