Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am having a hard time trying to find my footing, and learning "how to be separated."
I know that above statement probably sounds crazy,, umm, simple when you are separated from your spouse you don't spend time together, pretty cut and dry.
right.. or so I thought...
Work is pretty easy to be away from him. No calling, no texting, I ignore if he does, etc.
The house is a different story...
We have separate rooms... when he is home, that is where he is at. We came up with a separation agreement between ourselves while we sort things out, or not sort things out.
There are a lot of changes ahead of us, though, mainly to do with my husband's getting out of the military and thats where it gets hard to know what is my role as a "separated" spouse?
A little background, my crazy doormat of a story, starts with a husband of 9 years who commits adultery in the midst of everything else going wrong as his military career crumbles and he starts to face his demons from war, injuries, etc. Now 7 months later, the affair continues, of course he doesn't want a divorce, or separation, but who would when you have a wife and a girlfriend? Now, he is medically retiring from the military, meaning there will be paperwork, especially involving my benefits as a spouse of his for almost ten years. This means extension of healthcare benefits, id card benefits, life insurance, etc. So I will probably be expected to sign some documents during his retirement process, but we are not legally separated, because in the state of Texas they do not do legal separations, only divorces, which take two months, but we do have an agreement between eachother that lays out our expectations during the separation.
I am taking a much needed vacation, my first time off since D Day of Jan 2nd. Going home to Tennessee to visit my father during his intensive hospital chemo for his stage 4 multiple myeloma, and then returning home for a week to clear my head alone. I used to fear that he would bring other woman here, to our house, but I have to live my life. I can cleanse the house with sage if I really want to.
Anyway, my husband has asked me a weird question. He has a nerve block for his back at the end of August, which requires him to have someone there to sit with him during the procedure and drive him home afterwards. Now, the OW does not drive nor own a car. So he has asked me to do this for him, plus, as the military spouse the military would expect me to take care of him. I am just torn on what to do.
My husband and I are still friendly, and loving. We don't put eachother down, but I make it clear that I am tired of hurting and he has chosen her and right now I am taking time to consider my options and move forward with a life without him. I do want our marriage to work, but at the same time I cannot force someone to love me. I am setting goals for myself, focusing on me and taking my time to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I have set out a timeline, my counselor and I talk about it, and am working on my self esteem too.
I am sorry this is all over the place. I am just at a loss for what to do, how to act, how to feel, how to be. I am fortunate that my husband and I still maintain our bills and our house, and I have a roof over my head and am not sleeping in my car. Still, I am searching for jobs that are an increase in salary where I would be okay on my own, I finished my bachelor's degree and am starting more coursework in the fall, I am setting weight loss goals and just really working on myself. I wanted to move out, and was getting ready to, but it was a hard blow when we discovered that my husband would be medically retired from the Army in a few months for his war injuries. Now, once again everything is in limbo and the unknown and I am stuck in the meantime, grasping for some season of validation, that its okay to take my time with this.. that when I am ready to close this door I will close this door... I don't want to rush into any decisions.. but at the same time, enough is enough too..
Did anyone us find it hard to be separated? Or or in limbo?
I know that above statement probably sounds crazy,, umm, simple when you are separated from your spouse you don't spend time together, pretty cut and dry.
right.. or so I thought...
Work is pretty easy to be away from him. No calling, no texting, I ignore if he does, etc.
The house is a different story...
We have separate rooms... when he is home, that is where he is at. We came up with a separation agreement between ourselves while we sort things out, or not sort things out.
There are a lot of changes ahead of us, though, mainly to do with my husband's getting out of the military and thats where it gets hard to know what is my role as a "separated" spouse?
A little background, my crazy doormat of a story, starts with a husband of 9 years who commits adultery in the midst of everything else going wrong as his military career crumbles and he starts to face his demons from war, injuries, etc. Now 7 months later, the affair continues, of course he doesn't want a divorce, or separation, but who would when you have a wife and a girlfriend? Now, he is medically retiring from the military, meaning there will be paperwork, especially involving my benefits as a spouse of his for almost ten years. This means extension of healthcare benefits, id card benefits, life insurance, etc. So I will probably be expected to sign some documents during his retirement process, but we are not legally separated, because in the state of Texas they do not do legal separations, only divorces, which take two months, but we do have an agreement between eachother that lays out our expectations during the separation.
I am taking a much needed vacation, my first time off since D Day of Jan 2nd. Going home to Tennessee to visit my father during his intensive hospital chemo for his stage 4 multiple myeloma, and then returning home for a week to clear my head alone. I used to fear that he would bring other woman here, to our house, but I have to live my life. I can cleanse the house with sage if I really want to.
Anyway, my husband has asked me a weird question. He has a nerve block for his back at the end of August, which requires him to have someone there to sit with him during the procedure and drive him home afterwards. Now, the OW does not drive nor own a car. So he has asked me to do this for him, plus, as the military spouse the military would expect me to take care of him. I am just torn on what to do.
My husband and I are still friendly, and loving. We don't put eachother down, but I make it clear that I am tired of hurting and he has chosen her and right now I am taking time to consider my options and move forward with a life without him. I do want our marriage to work, but at the same time I cannot force someone to love me. I am setting goals for myself, focusing on me and taking my time to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I have set out a timeline, my counselor and I talk about it, and am working on my self esteem too.
I am sorry this is all over the place. I am just at a loss for what to do, how to act, how to feel, how to be. I am fortunate that my husband and I still maintain our bills and our house, and I have a roof over my head and am not sleeping in my car. Still, I am searching for jobs that are an increase in salary where I would be okay on my own, I finished my bachelor's degree and am starting more coursework in the fall, I am setting weight loss goals and just really working on myself. I wanted to move out, and was getting ready to, but it was a hard blow when we discovered that my husband would be medically retired from the Army in a few months for his war injuries. Now, once again everything is in limbo and the unknown and I am stuck in the meantime, grasping for some season of validation, that its okay to take my time with this.. that when I am ready to close this door I will close this door... I don't want to rush into any decisions.. but at the same time, enough is enough too..
Did anyone us find it hard to be separated? Or or in limbo?
so "season of validation" should be "sense of validation"
"anyone us find it hard to be separated" should be "anyone else find it hard to be separated"
And I don't really stutter... the "Or or in limbo" should be minus one Or...
Hmm, and I promise I haven't been drinking... although, perhaps that might not be a bad idea..
Second, I would definitely advise you to speak to an attorney, especially one who has knowledge about military divorces. You want to make sure you are taken care of financially. Don't let your H know you are speaking to an attorney. Most attorneys will give a free consultation or many are not expensive. Would be a good idea to find out what your rights are before you sign ANY documents.
Sending hugs. Keep talking to us here. We will walk the journey with you.
I did meet with a military attorney for a free consultation. Basically an uncontested divorce would cost $1000. A contested divorce would start out with a retainer of $4500 and then $200 an hour from there. Texas is an at fault state, so I could argue at fault on grounds of adultery, but would need hardcore evidence and I don't really know if I am up for a court battle. I don't want to be bitter, or anything. I would much rather do uncontested, if it goes that way, and just move on.
It is in my best interest to wait it out for the next few months. The closer my H gets to 10 years in the military, which is next month and the closer our marriage gets to 10 years, the more I am entilted ot half of his military retirement (at this point, would be $1200 a month). Even after 9 1/2 years, we could argue that I was owed nearly 50 percent, if it comes down to that.
We do not have children, so most of our stuff would be split 50/50 as we bring in about the same pay to the marriage. The only thing we would have to decide about what our house. We bought our first home exactly a year ago this month.
So definitely taking care of me financially, is in my best interest to continue to stay for just a few more months. Jan 2nd, would be 10 years. Thanks for the wonderful advice. It helps to know I am not alone.
Just my 2 cents...
Oh and I will be married 10 yrs in November, I am waiting it out, and meanwhile saving money.......
Having all this is writing is starting to help me move on, but I DEFINITELY feel the limbo. Sometimes I'm sad at what I'm losing, other times angry at him for the affairs, and then other times happy that I feel like I have him as a friend as we both deal with our marriage ending. And sometimes I even feel a sense of hope for a new and happier future for myself.
We are going to start telling our closest friends/family about our plans, and I think that will make it feel more real - I see in my in-laws at least weekly, and I'm tired of pretending to be a happy family right now.
And he too has surgery in September, asking me to be there for the outpatient procedure to drive him home. Same thing - In one way I feel annoyed and want to say let the OW do it, but I still care and don't want to be bitter. Plus I would hope he'd do the same for me (as I don't have family in town or 'another man').
I think as you and I each take this one day at a time, and focus more on ourselves as individuals (such as our career and other personal goals), our identity will not be tied as much to our spouse and we can keep moving foward. But I'll be honest, I don't think I'll be 100% out of the 'limbo' feeling until he is completely gone from the house. Or maybe, once I start dating again....
Good idea ladyrose, let the OW put up with him, and wait out my time. I am like you, putting away for my raining day fund ;)
namaste, thanks for the advice. I did do the free consultation to JAG, but you are right about them covering the tracks of the soldier, but they did give me good advice, which is basically wait it out for the 10 years. Whats a few extra months to get my stuff together anyway?
Hello KEB, good advice. I do think it will start to get easier down the road if he is out of the house, thats the key to moving forward I think, is 100 percent separation...