Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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kayak4511 03/13/2017

Hi Everyone.

I hope I've come to the right place for support.

Bit about me.. I'm 55 been married just over 25 years with two children in college.

For the past several years (5+) my wife and I have been living seperate lives in our own home.

She slept on the couch for the longest time.

We both know we are miserable and have talked about it a just a bit.

Most recently though I told her I had enough and wanted a divorce. This was right before xmas.

I would say all of a sudden she realized I was still there and started coming to bed and telling me that she loved me. For me it was quite confusing to go from OFF to ON in a matter of days.

I told her that I had a hard block inside of me...and that I couldn't overcome it.

I used the analogy of an oak tree that slowly died in our backyard several years ago which I had to cut down.

I've told her that I need time. However I now realize that who knows how much time it will take and how will I know that I will recover.

One of my friends told me that it seems to her that my heart is no longer in the relationship.

I fear she is correct. So I fear that I will tell my wife that I will leave. it will be the worst day of my life and I know she will be 1000% heartbroken and will have to watch.

In the meantime I've trying figure out where I will go as I have no friends that can put me up even for a short time.

I'm thinking of hotels at least for a few days...but I won't have any money.

I'll feel homeless..which is terrifying to me.

Might anyone have suggestions on how to cope with the upcoming days and weeks?

Thanks!

mirandac 03/13/2017

My ex moved in with his mother and His GF
on the sly. I would not leave The home until
the divorce and decree Were in place.

He could have legally stayed there too. With
the GF situation that would have been too
explosive And much too unhealthy.

As it was we got Thru it all somehow, the
Trick is to stay as mature as possible.

We coshared the home and property, all
The monies were still joint Until the very
end. The Divorce was paid for out Of joint
monies.

I was heartbroken, he did not get within 10
Feet of me and he always had his helper with
Him for protection. He would literally leap into
His truck if he saw me coming if he was alone.

He was Filled with guilt and shame and he does
knows the difference Between right and wrong
But he was going to do it anyways.

My ex had a hard heart toward me and had been
cheating In his heart for some time, HUGS

kayak4511 03/13/2017

Thanks for the reply...I'm not sure that this scenario would work for me..
I just can't stay.. I am so sad and miserable...I need to move on...
For my wife its very black and white...are you in or are you out?
I can't understand how she moved so quickly from the couch to the bed after all these years.
Perhaps she knew it was coming to an end...and needed to do something about it.
I just somehow have to find the strength to tell her that I am leaving. It will be heartbreaking for her and me to watch :-(
However we can't continue like this...and NO there isn't another woman involved... I truly have no where to go nor anyone to lean on...my huge fears

sandybeach888 03/13/2017

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. You MUST be 100% honest with her and be kind. I would suggest family therapy to sort out the living arrangements (at home or somewhere else). This way you have a 3rd person there to help both of you. This is going to take time and a lot of patience and understanding. I would also suggest that if you do not have a place to go to.....create a space for you (basement apartment) with a lock that is separate from the living area upstairs.

Neither of you are stuck! This took a long time to happen. It's going to take a long time to separate. Especially is money is an issue for you to move out.

I would really recommend therapy asap for both of you together to work this out. I hope this helps. With time and a therapist there - hopefully you can part as friends for your kids sake and for both of yours. It's not worth fighting and its definitely not worth giving your money to lawyers. Keep it kind for everyone's sake.

All the very best

jojored 03/13/2017

I can relate somewhat. Once I made the decision to file for divorce, my emotionally distant husband started telling people he still loved me. Didn't tell me, but told his lawyer. What? When I asked him before this if he loved me, his reply was 'do you still love me'. When I said 'no' he then replied that he didn't love me any longer. It's like he couldn't find his own answer without me saying something first. My lawyer said his lawyer said he was heartbroken and shocked. Again, what? We'd been living separate lives for about 8 years, and I'd been trying to talk to him for as many. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she may realize this is the start of the end. She scared and either is clinging to the familiar or finally woke up and may want to work on the marriage....if she does want to go to marriage counseling, would you be willing?

It can be done, the living with the spouse thing. I just keep telling myself that I've done it for over 8 years, I can do it for one more. You do have to set up a separate living space and respect each other's privacy.

kayak4511 03/13/2017

Thanks for the help...
We tried marriage counseling several years back and it was a disaster..
She was still angry and the therapist let her go wild. It was so adversarial. A few years later we tried again...and this time another therapist said...just mix together..it was like saying mix oil and water...and good luck.
I'd go again...if she suggested it...but she hasn't..in the past she never wanted to go as she said it was me who had the problem...
I'm surprised of the number of people who say stay in the house? What's the reasoning???
Our house is small...we couldn't avoid each other..If I lived in the basement..I'd be living in an unfinished cold place. I could live in one of the spare rooms upstairs..
What are the pros/cons to staying or leaving?
Thanks for the support :-)

bakerjackie321 03/13/2017

Sounds to me like she is wanting to work on it. Slow it down and go to counseling and put work into it. You are stuck there anyway maybe you can figure it out. This place is full mostly of people whose spouses just want out. Yours doesn't. Appreciate that and don't waste it.

kayak4511 03/13/2017

Problem is, that I don't want to work on it......I tried for a few months..I told my wife I had an emotional block and I wasn't sure..She said..when will you know and what will change so that you do know? All good questions...Problem is I know none of these answers...and yes @bakerjackie321 I'm left wondering if I'd doing the right thing...however in the meantime I'm so miserable...

bakerjackie321 03/13/2017

I know you are miserable. Keep in mind that you do not have to follow the same routine you have all of these years. I am in a similar boat and I got up Sunday morning and went to the casino by myself and had fun. I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't told me he wanted a divorce. I am doing the same things I did while he didn't live here. It makes it better.

3cutiesmamaAndaFedUpWife 03/13/2017

I will be blunt... it sounds to me like she's scared of being alone. We all are... I'm the one leaving and it terrifies me. The way you've worded your post and replies makes me think you've thrown in the towel... and that's okay. It's okay if you have and it's okay if you haven't. Perhaps a trial separation might give you your answer? As for places to go... I'm a realtor. Call one and ask who a good property manager is. They usually have short term rentals available. Be apart for 6 months and see how you feel. If the rental isn't an option, try an extended stay hotel so you have everything you need (furnishings, dishes, etc). I don't think you can make your decision if you stay in the home. There will be too much pressure from her and that could force you into the wrong decision. Put yourself FIRST now... and see how you feel. Good luck with whatever you decide.

kayak4511 03/13/2017

I believe you are right....
And all the best to you as well....I spotted your post and commented on yours as you were commenting on mine !

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