The "back and forth" before ending a marriage often happens because we don't understand what is really happening in our relationship. We go through many layers of doubts, confusion and anger and returning to the scene of the crime to collect extra evidence is only natural.

Unfortunately, because we haven't clearly identified what brought us together in the first place, we have no idea whatsoever whether or not it is appropriate to end that relationship.

Hence, the back and forth. Is it better than detaching slowly? "Better" is a relative term in my opinion. What was better for you might not have been better for your wife.

It's just like quitting smoking: some people go cold turkey, others do it gradually.
Which one is better? Neither, really.

Well, my stbx never called, never answered the phone. Then my attorney said, "don't call, don't answer the phone". I never had to take the attorney's advice. Stbx just walked off into the sunset, and dropped off the ends of the earth. It was easier. I have no hope.

Ok- so here is what I think and it may be unpopular.

I think it is better. It allowed you to focus on your feelings and not second-guess (as much maybe) did she really mean it? Is there a chance?

I really, really wish I was in this situation, but we are continuing to go on until we can financially seperate and it is tough- I tend to read into every little comment and gesture.

You mention 'no matter the crime' and that makes me wonder if the 'crime' was why she cut you off so coldly.
I think it's better this way, it allows you to move on sooner and not have all the emotional rollercoaster of going back and forth.

My stbx didn't literally drop off the face of the earth but his emotions were just gone one day.

He actually told me don't hold out hope after I emotionally told him that maybe we could be together in the future and he said "don't count on it". It was like our relationship (which I just loved) NEVER existed.

It would have been much easier if he would have just cut me out of his life. I hate the rollercoaster and the insecurity of not knowing.

I really loved that last reply. I am in the 'back and forth' stage and really wonder if it is worth it all sometimes.

I'm still living with my STBX. He has treated me like a worthless piece of crap for five years. He has cheated on me and neglected me. We have been married for 4 years and since about a month after we got married he hasn't spent one whole night in our bed unless he was drunk. He hasn't even come upstairs unless he wants to have sex which entails me doing all the work and my never getting satisfied. Oh then there is his mother who lives with us and has dementia. She is a total witch and has been her whole life. She is ill now but treated his first wife the same as she treated me. She has stolen from me and destroyed or given away anything that had any sentimental value like my sons first outfit or his christening gown. She is physically abussive to me and my children. She hides her feces and smears it everywhere. And yet I'm having a hard time with this. I have stayed and I have tried but he is not willing to change any of this he told me he won't put his mom in a home and if I don't like it I can leave. He flat out said in our marriage counseling session that he is all done discussing the matter. Yet he is still trying to have sex with me. I turned him down. I turn him down all the time. I don't have any intrest in pleaseing him anymore, he dosen't care about my needs or feelings at all. I told him i don't want a part time husband who is only my husband when he wants to get laid. He is emotionally and verbally abusive to me and allows his mother to be phsyically abusive to me and his children, I think thats enough of a crime to make me detach emotionally from my childs father. I really hate him. I feel like I'm being rapped when he touches me and actually feel sick.