People like to judge because it gives them a way to feel better about themselves.

Yes, you were wrong but it takes two. What is done is done and you can only move forward.
Things are going to be rocky for a while but you are doing good. Give yourself credit for how far you have come.
I know things are pretty rough for you emotionally right now but please, do not rely on other people's opinions about you for your self esteem. Especially people who do not know you or care about you. You have to take care of you...like I said before, be gentle and loving.

((((hugs))))

jgarc,
Don't go to that site... I have noticed lately in the state I am in that I can not tolerate those that are not kind to me right now and don't build me up. If someone dosn't build you up freind, support group don't be around them.. When we are going through these things and are at our lowest with minimal energy and reserve.. we have none to spare..
Don't let those that are not your friends or even kind people take what you have for energy..
You did what you did.. you realize it more than half the problem. You wouldn't do it again,..
you have learned... It's ok...

Jgarc,
For anybody to say it is your fault has not read or understood "your story". For anybody to say it is your fault is insane. Do not go back to that site, they don't get it. You are not to blame period. A person can only take so much abuse. Do NOT listen to them. You have done the right thing wanting to live without abuse. Maybe you are forgetting---go back and read your story again and pretend it is your best friend or daughter and ask yourself if you would want them to be treated that way.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Stay away from there....lose their number so to speak. You lashed out at him, you were in untold stress and pain. It happens. You learned from that mistake and you've not repeated it. Don't let them bully you!

I agree with Blue and Blu.....surround yourself with positive love, sympathy, and support. People make mistakes everyday that's what makes us humans. It's how we use what we learned that matters.

You're a good person going through a horrible circumstance! You are not to blame for your failed marriage....NOT. Please don't let him get away with that.....

Each person in the marriage is responsible for 50% of the problems in the marriage but it doesn't give either party the right to cheat, lie, find a girlfriend/boyfriend, clean out the bank account or any of the nasty stuff that some people try to get away with! The only person to blame for that behavior is the person committing the act.

So repeat.....ok? You are not responsible for your bad marriage!

Giant hugs!!!
Deb

Failed marriages are a constant reminder of the things that both parties commtted, or ommitted which lead to the divorce. It is truly hard to have a marriage end through divorce, and to go through the emotional hardship, and then to have the circumstances that lead to the divorce thrown back in your face. You can not re-build the past. Use it as a learning tool, and build on it. Do not make the same mistakes. You are a good person and have the right to start over, and have a good, and happy life. Remember to thank "God" and the universe for the good things that are in your life, and you will certainly be given more. Do not allow others to beat you down from the errors that you have once made. They are in the past, and you can begin a new life. Stay Strong! Spiritreader.

::BIG SIGH:: Thanks guys. Ugh i truly felt horrible. I think that it just worries me because despite the face that I know he was abusive, I contributed to the cause of us falling apart.

I am so glad that places like these forums exist because I dont know what I would of done if I would of stayed with that other website.

I dont know what I am looking for...I just feel guilt. Why?,,,,who knows. But i think that already makes me a better person than the ex who not ONCE apologized for anything.

I think maybe you feel guilt because of the sweet person he pretended to be at first, he conned you. Abusers are so very good at that. You remember that time.
He is not that person anymore.
You were doing the very best you could. You absolutely cannot win when it comes to a truly abusive man. Their whole goal in life is to crush you. He was doing that. Please do not beat yourself. Focus on the abuse free life you can now have and enjoy.
I wish you the very best.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Gem, it's just these crazy thoughts I have from time to time, like "omg what if this was the love of my life and I ruined it forever)
". I know I know I'm just thinking crazy

Hey...
I know this is not what you might want to hear but it's my opinion.
Don't worry so much about asking him for forgiveness. Just work on forgiving yourself. If he is an abuser and you come asking for forgiveness he will use it against you and make you feel even more guilty. Let him go and in doing so you are allowing him to go make his own peace and you allow yourself to find yours and work on issues you might still have.
Worry about yourself.
Like BlueKnight said: Don't rely on other people's opinions about you for your self esteem. What do they know? All of us here need support and good advice. We don't need to be judged and mistreated. We do need the advice because when we are going through this we can't think logically and with our brains. We let our idiot, broken heart do our thinking and that is one organ which doesn't know a damn thing about love... hahaha....
You are strong enough to admit your mistakes. Not to many people know how to own up to them. This is a point in your favor. Now that you have done that, FORGIVE YOURSELF... You deserve it.
BIG BIG HUG

Hi Jgarc: I want to give you a different side to consider. I too did wrong and like you, I take responsibility for what I did.

We dont always do what we should do. Sometimes its because of the heat of the situation we are in, because of our emotions and even fear, and sometimes we just keep thinking that loving them more will make it better. But the difference is that you and I learn from our experiences and it wont happen again. I havent been in a physically violent relationship since then, and my ex husband is now on his fifth marriagehes still being his violent self and theyre still divorcing him.

Heres where I went so wrong:

I stayed in a violent physically abusive marriage too long and should have gotten out way before that. My husband was responsible for hitting me, but I take responsibility for remaining there after he hit me the first time. It was my responsibility to pick up and leave and I didnt. Even during counseling, he felt nothing was wrong with him and he didnt even try and I would go to counseling with bruises. I had a child and I had a duty to get out of there and didnt.

When my young son was at school in an event going through trauma over our home life, the principal got to him and called me and said he was now safe and was in his office with him and the psychiatrist and it was going very well. My Dad picked him up and took him for the day and next day.

I sat my husband down when he got home and explained what happened at school and talked to him about it. My husbands answer was he intended to beat the boy for this.

I just snapped at his idea of beating the boy and I hit my husband in the face. And my husband was the size of a football player and he could have killed me. I had never done anything aggressive to him and he was shocked and held his face and kept saying you hit me, you hit me. I then put him out the front door and kicked him out for good and told him dont come back and some other things.

I take full responsibility for continuing to stay with my husband and exposing my son to the violence he saw and what he didnt see heard, and him ending up in trauma at school.

I take full responsibility for hitting my husband. I should never have done that. Violence isnt the way to address any problems and I lowered myself to my husbands level and handled the problem the way my husband didwith violence. I should have picked myself up, left and moved in with my Dad.

I also take full responsibility for pushing my husband out the door and kicking him out in that manner. It wasnt kind what I did or said and, again, it wasnt the way to handle problems and I reduced myself to a lower level.

About doing the autopsy of the relationship once it was over--I did that a long time ago and I did major wrongs and I havent repeated them.

So what you did is over, as is what I did. Its more important the choices we make for the future.

Those without sin cast the first stone. Worth remembering.

Blueknight said it perfectly. I know it hurts, and I think maybe the hurt is harder for you to work past because you are carrying so much self guilt and self judgement. Please, take a deap breath, realize you made a mistake, and learn from it. But beating yourself up and letting others verbally bash you, wont fix anything. You have to work on forgiving yourself, as well as just realizing how thankful you are that things didn't get worse. They could allways be worse. Im not minimizing what happened, I just think you are draining your hope and energy with all the shame and guilt. Learn from it, then let it go. HUGGGGGGGG

Animalito: You are right, I just feel such guilt that sometimes I just want someone to shake me and say NOOO IT WAS ALL HIM, HE DESREVED EVERYTHING!! But you are totally right, I just need to worry about forgiving myself. Before he left, I did EVERYTHING I could to show him I felt bad for what I did. Yethe never even apologized to me!

Astimegoes: I am so happy to hear from you again your advice is always good. Y As you said, what I did is over.Now it is important to focus on the future. There is no point in looking back..its so hard though.

Blondie: I am so thankful things didnt get worse. I just hope that one day I get a chance to be happy again. I dont want this to have been my only chance and I ruined it