Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

lonelywolf79 07/07/2016

Hello everyone. I have been giving a lot of thought of how the illusion of feeling a closeness to our ex by "Knowing" about them is such a huge setback. So I thought I would put all my thoughts here for anyone who might be having this problem. I would also love to know what you think about this.

Most times we feel like everything is out of our control and by knowing what our ex is doing or what he/she feels or is thinking, we believe to be more in control or at least feel some kind of closeness. Today I woke up and my ex popped into my mind. I wondered what she might be thinking about me dating someone else. She is REALLY into superficial looks and social class, so I kept wondering if she might hate me because I am dating someone who is prettier than her and above her social class. I wondered if she hated me for it or was jealous. Then all of a sudden I snapped out of it and thought "Who the hell cares?".

How does me knowing what she is feeling help me? How does knowing anything about her help me move forward in my life?

We shouldn't talk to our exes unless we REALLY HAVE TO. And even when we do have to talk to them the conversation should be kept to a very minimum and to the point discussions. No chit-chat and no friendliness(In most cases). So knowing or trying to figure out what they might be thinking or doing only hurts US. They might not even be giving us a second thought (scary thought for most people). They might not care or even remember us. We tend to hold on to the thought that maybe they are also hurting and maybe they are human after all. But thinking this way only empowers them in our mind and humanizes them. It brings us down and puts them on a pedastle in our heads. This is because we are giving them importance in our lives by even thinking about them.

They are our exes for a reason. They are behind us and shouldn't be important in our present. They served their purpose and brought us this far. Maybe they broke us, and if so then they served their purpose to make us stronger than we ever thought we could be. Maybe they were a growing experience and then we should be quietly thankful and take the good they left. Whatever they were they helped bring us to this point in our lives. Good or bad point, that is up to us to decide. But knowing what they are doing or thinking will never be a good or helpful tool. It will only hinder our growth and we can bet our bottom penny that they are growing and moving on themselves. So why even care what they are thinking?

Well just my thoughts for today.

Blessings to everyone today and know that I appreciate everyone on this site for their courage and strength and of course for all your advice and help along my path as well.

stephanieyoungrainer 07/07/2016

Excellent post. I've often wondered if my ex thinks about me while he's off with his new girl. I've even talked to him a few times and he seems down and very negative about his new relationship. I wonder if he does that just to get in my head and keep me tied to him. Your advice is excellent. I have to really just let him lie in the new bed that he made. Thank you!

Justlife 07/07/2016

"They served their purpose and brought us this far. Maybe they broke us, and if so then they served their purpose to make us stronger than we ever thought we could be." Thanks for your thoughts, I often find myself thinking "I wonder what he is doing? I wonder if he even cares? I wonder If he is hurting? I wonder this or that? and I really just don't want to care... You are absolutely right, we give them power in our mind when we think this way. I often find myself thinking like this and I just want it to go away, I no longer want to care. I want to move forward. How are you combatting those thoughts when they come? I would greatly appreciate your advice. Take care and hope to hear from you.

lonelywolf79 07/07/2016

@justlife ... when these thoughts used to come in I would let them wander around my mind like a unchained monkey. Then slowly I would stay vigilant of my thoughts and when they came in I would acknowledge it and ask myself "will letting this thought in help me in any way?" 99% of the times the answer would be NO. So I decided to let it go. NOW I usually just do this automatically. A thought of my ex comes in and I immediately smile at myself like I would if a mischievous child wanted to get away with a silly prank. I don't get upset for thinking it. I just let it go and concentrate my mind on something that is actually important in my life, like my daughter, my job, my family, my exercise (gym) or I come here and read and write to others. I smile at myself and allow myself to enjoy what I am doing for ME because I know that nobody will care for me the way I do. I became my own best friend months ago and it has changed my life.
BY THE WAY.... something that works wonders is this: Go to a mirror and smile at yourself. Talk to yourself out loud as you look straight into your own eyes. Tell yourself what you feel and give yourself advice. Tell yourself "Today I will take care of you. You are in my hands and I will not let you fall. Today I will do (THIS) for you." and promise to do something nice for yourself everyday. It sounds dumb, childish, even narcissistic. Trust me IT WORKS. You learn to love yourself more and more and then NOBODY will ever be allowed to hurt you again because you will be taking care of yourself and there is no better bodyguard on this Earth than yourself.

minspa 07/07/2016

@lonelywolf, this exercise has already made me feel better. Really, truly, thanks.

shoretimenow 07/09/2016

This is an excellent post & I needed to read this!
I completely agree with your points.
I wish there was a way to save this post :)

samantha717 07/09/2016

I often wonder if my stbx hurts as much as I do, and every time I do, it totally messes me up. I have to keep reminding myself that he brought all of this on himself. He's an alcoholic so he chooses to deal with his pain in a different way than I do. I can't help him with it. He won't let me in. He never did. I love your morning exercise. I really need to do that!

sakuraowl 07/09/2016

I wonder time to time if my ex thinks of me or has regrets for what he has done , but then i pull myself out of that thinking because i realize i dont know him like i once did .the man i thought i knew would never do what he did so yea it is a sharp reminder that thinking i know him is wrong . I dont know him anymore . I know he is the father of my son, but i remind myself he isnt someone i really know. It helps to come to that realization. It helps the process of moving forward with my life. Cause if i really knew him , I woukd have known he would leave me, but i didnt know he would do that. Makes one question if they ever really knew their ex.

gem111 07/09/2016

I absolutely agree with you, also most of what we hear or see on Facebook, or anywhere, is ONLY what they want you to hear or see is the stuff they tell people.. They post how wonderful their new relationships are to try and convince everybody how happy they are-------even if they are not.
As far as trying to guess what anybody else is thinking, that is a huge waste of time.. You only know for sure what you are thinking.

stardust7 07/10/2016

I love the points your brought up. Good things I too should remember. My split is still very fresh so my knowledge of where my stepchildren are is my biggest struggle (I'm being told they are being tossed between family members even as my ex has found an apartment with her new boyfriend). I'm still struggling with my EW's future as I know she's quick to go into debt and fall into bad/abusive codependent relationships (the new boyfriend is in drug recovery, a partier/bartender, and best of all..an ex convict). I know I have to move on and for the most part I am...still struggling on some days. This isn't a fast process but I'll copy your post to reread daily to help give me more strength. Thank you again for your post!

Devstat 07/10/2016

My experience is very recent. Only 2 days old and I really want to see his texts, etc. although I do believe it is not another woman I am not sure obviously. I know it won't make it any better to know but I can't help it.

Join the Conversation