Tooyoung

I feel your pain I am in the same situation my son is 2 he has no idea and it hurts me so bad. If you don't mind my asking did this break up stem from past problems or something. However I will suggest to you what I do is take one day at a time and that eventually you will be ok. How that is so easy to say and a struggle to do but you have to keep your own sanity, and you can only do what you can and you cant make him love you if he doesn't. I have been separated for about 4 days as well I know how you feel. I'm here to talk anytime I'm always on here its very helpful.

He told me the problem is that he'll never be able to be happy, whatever that means. My daughter is about to be two next month. The hardest part is when she asks for him, I don't know what to say. I was completely shocked when he didn't come home for two days without any calls or texts. Finally, when I said I was going to call the cops because I was worried, he told me he didn't want me anymore.

Aww I'm so sorry and that is so selfish of him even if he felt that way (our stories are identical), but that is not how you handle someone you love especially the mother of your child, that's unacceptable. You gotta get strong if that's how he feels let him see how it feels to be without you maybe then he will know that he had happiness, its a shame because sometimes even then they don't realize.

That's what everyone keeps telling me, I know it's true, but I can't think of anything other mine desire to see him.

I know it's hard that's why I say one day at a time strength will come and you will be shocked what comes over you.

I've always told him that I'd rather fix our problems then just abandon the relationship. He seems to think it isn't worth fighting for though. Thanks for your help, I feel a bit better.

Please value yourself enough to deny him sex. Lord knows he doesn't deserve it. I hate this concept that it is your partner's duty to somehow make you feel all googly inside if they are to stay with you. True love takes commitment even when things get tough. Too bad those with it have to be matched with those who don't. Sucks.

Sorry you are going through this.

As #7 stated, please do not continue to offer sex to him. I know it is hard to accept in these situations, because we are the ones to be blindsided, but if he's made this decision then there usually isn't anything you can do to change his mind. It's either made up, or even if it isn't, anything we do in that situation that makes us look too available, needy, week, etc is very off-putting. And, if he has made up his mind for good, it is damaging to your self esteem in the long run to make yourself so available to someone who has walked out on you. I understand the impulse, because I begged my now-Ex-H more than once, and it didn't help. In fact, it only made me feel worse when I learned the full truth, which was that he was cheating.

On that note, I don't say this to be mean, but to be honest, because I've been there. But parts of your story definitely make me think that either there is another woman, or he's actively seeking one. My ex would stay out all night, saying he was just spending time w friends. But that was not it, he was cheating. Yours staying gone for days w no calls or texts, yes that sounds like a red flag for possible cheating. My ex also said that "nothing could ever fix what's wrong" with him; similar to yours 'he'll never be able to be happy.' It was a line, to make me feel bad/sad whatever for him, and to cover up for the fact that he was out cheating. He likely will deny it, so I wouldn't believe anything he says even if he 'swears' he's not cheating. Mine swore it up and down, even as I recited to him verbatim from the texts I'd found from his affair partner. And yet another reason I definitely don't think you should sleep w him, risk of getting an STD.

I know first hand how hard this is that you are going through. It's normal in the beginning to feel denial and disbelief, and also bargaining, trying to think of anything you could do to get them back. Loss of a relationship, especially when you have a child together, is like grieving a death, and you will go through all of the stages of grief. Please just know that you deserve so much more. As hard as it is, I would advise going No Contact with him, unless he asks you specifically about the child, and then keep it business-like. The more you call him, pine for him, reach out to him, etc, the worse you will feel. Try to be gentle with yourself, focus on treating yourself well. It's one day at a time, it does get easier in time.

My kids were older (5 and 7) when my ex left, but my rule to my kids was...to never lie.

When she asks, simply say the truth. He left and you don't know when he'll be back. Tell her that when you know for SURE (like he's in the driveway) that he's coming back, you will tell her.

I used a puppy analogy to explain to my kids that it wasn't their fault. I asked if two people had a puppy and the people fought if my kids thought it was the puppy's fault? What if they argued over the cost of puppy food? What if they got mad that the puppy peed on the floor (as all puppies do)? Or shed hair? What if the puppy had a bad thought and was really really REALLY mad at one of her owners? Is that her fault?

I finally just said that being a grown up is hard. With every new fun thing that you get to do, that there's a responsibility and hard things. And that daddy was dealing with some of those hard things.

And lastly at 2, you need to make sure that she KNOWS in no uncertain terms, that she'll never be left alone. That someone will ALWAYS be there to take care of her.

That grown up things happen all of the time, but all children are always taken care of.

Patti you are wise. I may need some of that wisdom when my kids find out their mother is about to break apart the family they have depended upon for security and love.

I'll add something else.

I remember the pain of my ex leaving, and believe me, I too went through an anger stage.

But there comes a time (after about 6 months) where putting your kids long term development comes first. My ex will always be my ex. But I didn't want kids that were total monsters as teenagers, or alternately hopelessly vulnerable.

So...I started helping my kids understand why their dad left, and started telling them the "good" side of it. This didn't make my kids like the divorce any more, and for years afterward and to an extent even today 7 years later, they wish that it had never happened.

But what it did do, is help my kids cope. It helped them love us both without feeling torn. It helped them see the situation really, really clearly. He didn't become this magical person that would have been the perfect parent if he was still at "home", and I didn't become a victim hopelessly screwed over.

This is beyond the generic advice to "not talk bad about the other parent", this is talking good about them.

The end result, is that my ex (and likewise I) totally own our bad behaviors. If the kids are upset with him, it's between my kids and him, I'm not upset also. (Believe me, I've had reasons to be VERY upset if I'd have wanted to.)

I didn't get there in a day, a month or a year. But it had started by 6 months after he'd left. The first 3 months or so, I cried everyday, almost all day. Then I get sad, and then I got really, really mad. And my kids learned that I can fall down....and get back up again.

I would never say that the divorce was "worth it", but my kids are more empathetic and mature because of it. The future is bright.

I know what all of you are saying is right. I will try to love myself more. I've always put HIS feelings first, i've always about HIS wants or HIS needs. I wanted him to think about me like that, and I know he never will. That hurts, but it's the truth.

I completely relate to what you are saying about always putting him first. I was 100% that way with my now-Ex husband. It took many bad things happening before I saw the truth, which was that he would never do the same for me. And the sad fact is that generally, selfish people seek out givers like us, because they need someone who will give and give but they know that they cannot or will not reciprocate our generosity. Which leads to us being the one to get burned. I am working on it, on being less co-dependent, less of an enabler, and on becoming strong and setting healthy boundaries. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

It is hard, but you sound like you are making good steps. You are stronger than you likely feel. Keep going, one step at a time, you will make it.
((HUGS))