Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been married going on two years and we have been together for atleast 3. My spouse informed me when we first started dating that he had been seeing a therapist about possibly transitioning into a woman. I informed him I really had never seen myself as being intrested in woman and if he wanted to continue on that path I would be his friend and be there for him just maybe not in a romatic relationship. He took some time to think about this and decided he wanted to give us a shot before proceeding with transitioning. We dated about a year. He asked me over and over to marry him. I finally said yes and we married in 2015. About two weeks ago he came to me and said he did not want to live as a man anymore. I flipped out. I was not very supportive of him beginning the journey to transition again after he told me it was not something he wanted before I agreed to marriage. A week ago he left me to begin his journey. He has cut off all contact with me and wants space to figure out himself. He says he cant be in a relationship right now, because he and I both need to work on us first. I offered to try and support him through his transition, because I do love him and dont want to see the marriage end. He told me he dosent think I can handle being with him if he becomes a woman. That is what make me the most upset. He is assuming what I can and cant handle, and the fact that I want to be there for him. I am trying to give him is space before filing for divorce, because I dont want to be the one to end this marriage. But it is so hard.
Forum too, many on here would not have a clue
What to say Me included.
I usually say go to therapy just for you and divorce
Care is great help for the grieving and your divorce
related issues.
You can only help, fix and control yourself no one
Else, its a hard life lesson to learn, HUGS
Care multiple times and its all a process. Grief
Takes awhile to process and move thru never
mind rejection, hurt and pain.
I am glad you are in therapy. In alanon the belief
is God or your higher power first, then you, then all
others After you.
Many of us on here have issues, Your spouses issues
are definitely different than the norm, take care of you
And your healing and growing no matter what he does
or doesn't do, HUGS
That's really your answer right there, right back at the start. And that was the time he should have accepted the reality. He didn't. You were a 'last attempt' at a normalcy his body didn't want. It's not the same as a gay man marrying in the hope of curing himself - but it is a similar sort of concept. You can't change what you are.
the fact that he constantly asked you to marry him indicates to me he had his own problems and locking you in was a method of gaining security for him. Once he had that security he no longer had that overwhelming urge to gain that security (given that he had it) and now he was free to realise what he actually wanted. I'm not saying he was disingenuous but on some level I think he was. He was lying to himself and he was willing to believe those lies in the hope they would come true. And of course, so were you. He was always going to transition. And you know that, too. Regardless of what he said, it's like a tree saying it doesn't need water. No matter how well-intentioned, it's completely unrealistic.
But as you say you are here where you are. I'd ask you: do you want children? do you want a marriage to a man? Because if you do, now's the time to bite the bullet. You can take the 'hit' of knowing that he thinks that you think that you can't handle marriage to a transgender but the real question is: are you prepared to be married to a transgender specifically to avoid that accusation?
Are you going to live your life just to prove that perception wrong? I don't think it's worth it. Live how you need to live and take the hit. It will wear off fairly shortly afterward and when he is back on his feet and talking again, you can go through that ancient history stuff and get it all cleared away.
Having said that if you don't mind what gender your husband becomes and are happy to become lesbian because he, specifically, is the only person you want in your life forever - then let him know. Send him a card or something. But I'd have to ask if you even exist as a person, because I consider that absolutely above and beyond the call of marriage when you have so clearly expressed the fact that you do not wish to be married to a woman and are heterosexual.
So please be realistic. And fair and honest with yourself. You have to live with YOU for the rest of your life; don't go down the track hubby went down where he denied his nature for you in the hope it would change. You've seen how well that works.
it's admirable he's going away by himself to figure this out. I think that's got to be the only way to get anywhere. He has to get back to his foundation, which is him alone, and despite how excluded you feel right now this was a prior decision/commitment he should have made before he met you, and he's rewinding back to that space to make this decision properly. And you're outside that decision. But you do need to make some decisions of your own.
A leopard cannot change its spots no matter how much it wants to for the sake of love.
I need to go meditate.
Reading this stuff really can help others even if in different situations.
Op I wish you the best in sorting out your life and healing.
It's really awesome that you're trying to assist on his journey.
I also think you need to file, but check with him first to be sure it's something he's certain about. He shouldn't keep you hanging, that's just not fair.