Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
...really been bugging me these past three months.
It wasn't the breakup per se, but the reason and more to the point the method and what that did to me.
As I stated in several past posts, I went through a _very_ rough stretch from 1999 - 2007. Financially and emotionally. It brought me to my knees. However I did have my epiphany and began digging myself out of the very deep hole I was in.
I first met my xgf early in 2008. I knew she was attracted to me, and I to her. However at that time and considering where I was, in good conscience I did not pursue her.
By mid-2010 I had largely cleaned up my finances, and I was feeling great again. Life was once again a beautiful thing, so I asked her out. She initially rebuffed my advance, because as it turns out she was in a long-distance relationship.
Anyway, once we did start dating a few months later, we both admitted to being attracted to each other from the get-go. She asked why it took me so long to ask her out, and I told her in detail. She accepted it, and didn't have any problem with it. None whatsoever.
When she finally saw my last income property that I was just beginning to rehab, she freaked out. Over the course of 24 hours it went from being madly in love with me, wanting me to move in and eventually marry her to ripping me up and down for being irresponsible, delusional, deceitful and unable to handle pressure.
From the beginning I was thoughtful enough to not start something I did not feel I was ready for. For my sake and hers. And once I was ready, I was totally honest and up-front about everything.
She went into it eyes wide open. And when she did actually see my last remaining income property she didn't want to know anything. Not my plan for rehabbing it. Not how I fit it into my budget. Not that I had already discussed the numbers with my long-time neighbor next to that property, who happens to be a general contractor and will do most of the work, and that he said what I had budgeted would be all that was needed and he could get the upstairs unit up before winter set in and the downstairs unit up by mid-summer 2012. So by sometime next summer instead of having a drain of $950 PITI and roughly $1200 a month rehab I will have roughly $200-$300 a month positive cashflow.
What hurt me to the core is she attacked me so vicisouly, using my openess, trust, vulnerability and consideration as weapons.
On and off since the breakup I have let her savage attack define me. My bad. I know better.
I know where I was. I lived it. I survived it. I avoided bankruptcy and forclosure. I've got my credit score back to over 730. I've eliminated all my debt. Not one scintilla of debt left, aside from that mortgage and my current auto loan.
I've sacrificed a lot over the past three-plus years to get to where I am. I'm proud of that. And things will be enourmously better when the units are back in service. On average it will be a cashflow shift of roughly $2400 a month.
I don't know if her attack was meant to harm me as much as it did, but let me tell you, on and off for the past three months I felt as lousy about myself as I did before I began all the hard work almost 4 years back.
But you know what? No more. I will no longer allow her thoughtless words to define me. I am more certain now than ever of the rightness of my actions these past 3-plus years, and more importantly, the rightness of me.
It wasn't the breakup per se, but the reason and more to the point the method and what that did to me.
As I stated in several past posts, I went through a _very_ rough stretch from 1999 - 2007. Financially and emotionally. It brought me to my knees. However I did have my epiphany and began digging myself out of the very deep hole I was in.
I first met my xgf early in 2008. I knew she was attracted to me, and I to her. However at that time and considering where I was, in good conscience I did not pursue her.
By mid-2010 I had largely cleaned up my finances, and I was feeling great again. Life was once again a beautiful thing, so I asked her out. She initially rebuffed my advance, because as it turns out she was in a long-distance relationship.
Anyway, once we did start dating a few months later, we both admitted to being attracted to each other from the get-go. She asked why it took me so long to ask her out, and I told her in detail. She accepted it, and didn't have any problem with it. None whatsoever.
When she finally saw my last income property that I was just beginning to rehab, she freaked out. Over the course of 24 hours it went from being madly in love with me, wanting me to move in and eventually marry her to ripping me up and down for being irresponsible, delusional, deceitful and unable to handle pressure.
From the beginning I was thoughtful enough to not start something I did not feel I was ready for. For my sake and hers. And once I was ready, I was totally honest and up-front about everything.
She went into it eyes wide open. And when she did actually see my last remaining income property she didn't want to know anything. Not my plan for rehabbing it. Not how I fit it into my budget. Not that I had already discussed the numbers with my long-time neighbor next to that property, who happens to be a general contractor and will do most of the work, and that he said what I had budgeted would be all that was needed and he could get the upstairs unit up before winter set in and the downstairs unit up by mid-summer 2012. So by sometime next summer instead of having a drain of $950 PITI and roughly $1200 a month rehab I will have roughly $200-$300 a month positive cashflow.
What hurt me to the core is she attacked me so vicisouly, using my openess, trust, vulnerability and consideration as weapons.
On and off since the breakup I have let her savage attack define me. My bad. I know better.
I know where I was. I lived it. I survived it. I avoided bankruptcy and forclosure. I've got my credit score back to over 730. I've eliminated all my debt. Not one scintilla of debt left, aside from that mortgage and my current auto loan.
I've sacrificed a lot over the past three-plus years to get to where I am. I'm proud of that. And things will be enourmously better when the units are back in service. On average it will be a cashflow shift of roughly $2400 a month.
I don't know if her attack was meant to harm me as much as it did, but let me tell you, on and off for the past three months I felt as lousy about myself as I did before I began all the hard work almost 4 years back.
But you know what? No more. I will no longer allow her thoughtless words to define me. I am more certain now than ever of the rightness of my actions these past 3-plus years, and more importantly, the rightness of me.
The next person that I am with will not try to make me feel guilty and wrong but will be supportive and love me anyway. I refuse to allow another partner to call me names and berate me.
I believe that people treat us like this in order to keep control over us. They play into our weaknesses and use our love as if it is conditional.
Be proud of yourself and of your accomplishments. And don't be with someone who isn't proud right along with you. :)
Then I have to admit that I was projecting myself a bit onto this story. Frankly after what I have been through with my STBX, my knee jerk reaction probably would have been similar to this woman's--without the tearing you down part. For me that symbolises that I am far from being near a point to start a relationship.
I am not trying to justify this woman's action. She has every right to not be comfortable. She has no right to tear you to bits over her discomfort.
I am sorry this has happened to you--particularly when you put yourself back out there into a vulnerable world of human emotions.
Keep staying true to yourself.
Karen, yes I do understand what your'e saying. Even though I was totally honest with her about all this up-front, I can understand when she actually saw the property why she might freak out. I know she is a chronic worrier and also has trust and fear of abandonment issues. In truth she probably isn't ready for a serious relationship.
However, as you said, she just could have explained that the reality of it triggered her fears. I might have been sad, but it would have been much easier to accept.
You know, we had only been together for a tad under 5 months. I would have thought if she was up to it, we could have just continued to date for the 12 or 13 months I estimate it will take for all the repairs to be accomplished. That would have been a good measuring stick as to my ability, character, responsibility, determination and seriousness.
But if for whatever reason she couldn't, I could have handled it. She didn't have to reach down into my biggest vulnerabilities from the past and mercilessly beat me with them. Vulnerabilities I revealed because I respected her and didn't want to hide anything from her.
Honestly, I believe she was hoping for a more permanent committment and fast. She dropped a lot of hints and we actually discussed it in generalities, but I always told her I had to deal with the property first. We never talked a timeline, and that's my bad. I should have set her expectations explicitly.
I just didn't think we were at that point yet. She made it a point of saying it takes at least a year before she would decide if a relationship was right for her. Go through all the holidays, meet as many of my friends and relatives as possible, etc... She got severely burnt by marrying her ex after only 4 or 5 months.
Good riddance.
Good for you for your revelation moment and hope your journey continues with this positive turn.
This property is the last of 4 two-family properties a friend and I had bought as a real estate venture. It was a side business. He eventually bailed on me. This is the last remaining property and the first we bought in 1992.
Absolute worst mistake of my life!!!
So it's really ancient history. This is the tail-end of the mess I've been working on cleaning up since, oh, 2004ish. Got rid of the other three prior to 2007 and I was living in the upstairs unit of the last one up until 2007.