Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife of 1 year, best friend, soul mate, running buddy, among other things, left me on December 1st, the same date as my sobriety date. I have not spoken to, texted, emailed or smoke signaled with her since.
We have been together for 6 years, I have struggled with alcohol since I met her, yet, somehow she managed to fall in love with me. I suppose I should preface this by saying that I take full responsibility for my disease. I had reached out to her on many occasions pleading for help, to the point where I was going to voluntarily check into treatment about a week before she left, but, she told me I did not have to go because she didn't want me to pretend my way through it, and that she loved me and supported me no matter what and would never leave me and loved me no matter what.
But, I had a bad Thanksgiving weekend, really bad. I have never laid a harmful finger on her, and we talked all of the time about what a great relationship we had, how we were inseparable, and could never imagine life without each other. Friends, family, acquaintances would constantly tell me how much she loves me. She would tell them that I am her soul mate, and while I was in detox treatment, she told them she loves me, and wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing.
She has since moved in with her best friend, who is very recently divorced, which isn't helping things at all.
We have friends in common, and none of them seem to think that this is consistent with her and are just as confused as I am. She has more or less cut off communication with everybody, with a few minor exceptions, and I am not allowed to contact her due to a no contact order. However, these minor exceptions do have some minimal contact with her.
I have been sober for 12 weeks now, and I am doing it for me, I understand the need to be healthy in all respects and have been working very hard at repairing myself and my relationships. It's the one that I value the most by far over all others that I can't seem to mend or even attempt to mend. I believe in my heart of hearts that she loves me, but, I also believe that she has a lot of people talking to her, people who have no interest in us being together pulling her in the opposite direction.
I know all about blame shifting, and that is not my intent. I understand and take full responsibility for my drinking. However, I have never hidden this from her, and to be frank, she was my biggest enabler, going to bars and drinking with me whenever the opportunity presented itself. She knew I was an alcoholic when she married me, and she told me hundreds of times that she knew that I would get a handle on it someday and only expressed concern over my health and some fear that I might accidentally have something bad happen to me. But, she never really expressed concern over our relationship, because it was so strong. We never fought, communicated will, were compatible in every way. I'm sure it's said in the discussion groups all of the time, but, she couldn't have possibly been Meryl Streep, this couldn't have been an act. Everybody who knew or saw us has expressed shock and even jealousy over the relationship we had.
I've been flamed pretty hard in other forums because of my alcoholism. But, I am human, I have issues that I have dealt with. And recovery is about more than just sobriety, I have worked very hard to understand the reasons why I drank, and to become a better person every day, progress, not perfection as we say. I want to believe that I can be redeemed, there was much shame and guilt that beat the you know what out of me over the years.
But, I miss the hell out of her. Her last words to me were that she loved me to death and would do anything for me, it's just the drinking. Now that I am sober, I feel completely isolated. Being at home makes me claustrophobic, lonely, panicky, and sad. I'm certain this hasn't been easy for her either. We have 2 kids each from previous marriages, and it's been a big loss for them as well. We did everything together. If we were pulling weeds, we enjoyed each other's company. Had wonderful quiet times together, I have so many mental pictures and memories of the times we were together and the feeling of security in knowing that she loved me unconditionally.
I don't know what I am asking. We do have a couple of mutual friends who are in contact with both of us, but, they do not break confidence, although I know they would want to see us together. I have yet to reach out to them to ask them to intervene, to see if she would at least be willing to talk to me in an attempt to reconcile, at least start with a friendship, and explore the possibilities now that I am sober. I just can't take the loneliness anymore. The thought that our love was so strong, that it was so simple, that things will never be the same for either of us, that we were seemingly irreplaceable to each other.
Antidepressants don't help much at all. Therapy doesn't help that much. I only want my family back, anything less just feels unacceptable to me. I am human, I made mistakes. Does this now mean that I am a blight on humanity and can't be loved again?
For our mutual friends, I would think they would have reached out to me if there was some sign that she wanted to talk, and that hasn't happened. But, they have also expressed confusion that she wouldn't at least attempt to reconcile. We have not been counseled, or anything, nothing, almost like she died.
What can I do? I don't want anybody but her. I love her for everything, especially the flaws she doesn't like in herself, and I can't believe the last 6 years were an act. But, everyday that goes by, the hurt just hurts more. I need forgiveness, I need to let this flood of love for her out on her, but, can't. Do I reach out to our friends? The fact that they haven't let on makes me believe that she doesn't want to reconcile. then again, I haven't explicitly asked them to do so. And what of the depression, isolation, anxiety? I'm begging for help, insight, I just can't believe she can turn her love off like it was a light switch...
Thanks in advance, and sorry for the lengthy message, I need to vent as well...
We have been together for 6 years, I have struggled with alcohol since I met her, yet, somehow she managed to fall in love with me. I suppose I should preface this by saying that I take full responsibility for my disease. I had reached out to her on many occasions pleading for help, to the point where I was going to voluntarily check into treatment about a week before she left, but, she told me I did not have to go because she didn't want me to pretend my way through it, and that she loved me and supported me no matter what and would never leave me and loved me no matter what.
But, I had a bad Thanksgiving weekend, really bad. I have never laid a harmful finger on her, and we talked all of the time about what a great relationship we had, how we were inseparable, and could never imagine life without each other. Friends, family, acquaintances would constantly tell me how much she loves me. She would tell them that I am her soul mate, and while I was in detox treatment, she told them she loves me, and wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing.
She has since moved in with her best friend, who is very recently divorced, which isn't helping things at all.
We have friends in common, and none of them seem to think that this is consistent with her and are just as confused as I am. She has more or less cut off communication with everybody, with a few minor exceptions, and I am not allowed to contact her due to a no contact order. However, these minor exceptions do have some minimal contact with her.
I have been sober for 12 weeks now, and I am doing it for me, I understand the need to be healthy in all respects and have been working very hard at repairing myself and my relationships. It's the one that I value the most by far over all others that I can't seem to mend or even attempt to mend. I believe in my heart of hearts that she loves me, but, I also believe that she has a lot of people talking to her, people who have no interest in us being together pulling her in the opposite direction.
I know all about blame shifting, and that is not my intent. I understand and take full responsibility for my drinking. However, I have never hidden this from her, and to be frank, she was my biggest enabler, going to bars and drinking with me whenever the opportunity presented itself. She knew I was an alcoholic when she married me, and she told me hundreds of times that she knew that I would get a handle on it someday and only expressed concern over my health and some fear that I might accidentally have something bad happen to me. But, she never really expressed concern over our relationship, because it was so strong. We never fought, communicated will, were compatible in every way. I'm sure it's said in the discussion groups all of the time, but, she couldn't have possibly been Meryl Streep, this couldn't have been an act. Everybody who knew or saw us has expressed shock and even jealousy over the relationship we had.
I've been flamed pretty hard in other forums because of my alcoholism. But, I am human, I have issues that I have dealt with. And recovery is about more than just sobriety, I have worked very hard to understand the reasons why I drank, and to become a better person every day, progress, not perfection as we say. I want to believe that I can be redeemed, there was much shame and guilt that beat the you know what out of me over the years.
But, I miss the hell out of her. Her last words to me were that she loved me to death and would do anything for me, it's just the drinking. Now that I am sober, I feel completely isolated. Being at home makes me claustrophobic, lonely, panicky, and sad. I'm certain this hasn't been easy for her either. We have 2 kids each from previous marriages, and it's been a big loss for them as well. We did everything together. If we were pulling weeds, we enjoyed each other's company. Had wonderful quiet times together, I have so many mental pictures and memories of the times we were together and the feeling of security in knowing that she loved me unconditionally.
I don't know what I am asking. We do have a couple of mutual friends who are in contact with both of us, but, they do not break confidence, although I know they would want to see us together. I have yet to reach out to them to ask them to intervene, to see if she would at least be willing to talk to me in an attempt to reconcile, at least start with a friendship, and explore the possibilities now that I am sober. I just can't take the loneliness anymore. The thought that our love was so strong, that it was so simple, that things will never be the same for either of us, that we were seemingly irreplaceable to each other.
Antidepressants don't help much at all. Therapy doesn't help that much. I only want my family back, anything less just feels unacceptable to me. I am human, I made mistakes. Does this now mean that I am a blight on humanity and can't be loved again?
For our mutual friends, I would think they would have reached out to me if there was some sign that she wanted to talk, and that hasn't happened. But, they have also expressed confusion that she wouldn't at least attempt to reconcile. We have not been counseled, or anything, nothing, almost like she died.
What can I do? I don't want anybody but her. I love her for everything, especially the flaws she doesn't like in herself, and I can't believe the last 6 years were an act. But, everyday that goes by, the hurt just hurts more. I need forgiveness, I need to let this flood of love for her out on her, but, can't. Do I reach out to our friends? The fact that they haven't let on makes me believe that she doesn't want to reconcile. then again, I haven't explicitly asked them to do so. And what of the depression, isolation, anxiety? I'm begging for help, insight, I just can't believe she can turn her love off like it was a light switch...
Thanks in advance, and sorry for the lengthy message, I need to vent as well...
You are asking questions about depression, isolation, anxiety after just a few months of sobriety and it may be from feelings of your wife leaving or a combination of your brain being off the alcohol. I want to direct you to a board that will assist you with many answers and it is the D.S. Alcoholism Board. Please get involved there because they are a good group. They can also talk to you about AA meetings and sponsors if you need those. Just click on the green link below and it will take you into it:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Alcoholism/support-group
For some that have loved ones in the throes of addiction, they may separate and want a long sustained time to make sure they remain sober. All the people around you cannot tell you anything and apparently won't. It's time to talk directly to your wife and find out exactly what is happening. But talk to your sponsor so you have some support before you do this.
Many hugs. and best luck.
Unfortunately, I cannot talk to, text or email or even contact through a third part, my wife right now. I pissed her off severely on TG weekend. I understand her anger, just not the determination and speed with which she wants to divorce me, so, I posted in this forum instead. like I said, she didn't really seem to be concerned about my drinking other than a fear that something bad could happen, and even gave me an "opt out" a week before leaving. How I wish I had not opted out back then.
So, the question is even more difficult as to how to show her that I am working hard at changing and have a strong grip on my sobriety. Maybe I am being too rational to assume that if she liked a drunk me, she would like a sober me even more. Or, my words and actions were so hurtful, I can never get her back. Again, I did not cheat on her, assault her, but, I was a royal a$$, called her names, and worst, I don't even remember doing this. So, maybe this is what I deserve. I just can't believe it after all of the times we talked about how much we loved each other, it's about the only thing we ever talked about.
Also, I apologize for posting advice instead of a reply, not sure I have a handle on the forum yet and I couldn't find a reply option.
I just can't let her go after such a short marriage and such a short period of time of trouble, as in literally a couple of weeks. And I can't believe for a second that she was acting all of this time. Too many people have confirmed how much she loved me.
it's the sadness, loneliness, regret, isolation that are brutal, and the antidepressants don't take any of that away... Maybe this is just what I deserve and my fate from God for my crap behavior...I just want to believe that she would give me a chance at redemption. Without her, my recovery is harder than ever, and I seem to just beat myself up constantly.
What I can tell you from being on the other side of things is that she is most likely going to Al-anon maybe and they have told her to probably not have contact with you, to work on herself and her own program and leave you to yours. Surely she is hurting too, you can't think she isn't.....just try to have faith that if you keep working your program and she keeps working hers, at some point you can come together and talk and work through everything and move forward. But you must stay strong and most of all sober for this to happen!
In reading your post it seems clear that what you want right now and what your wife wants are at odds. As hard as it is, you need to accept that you can't control her actions. She may never want to reconcile. She may never even give you an explanation as to why. Only time will tell. The best thing you can do to plead your case is to continue to focus on your sobriety. You and your wife have mutual friends. They will likely mention to her how well you are doing. In the event that she eventually does want contact, make sure the no contact order is lifted first.
I'm working hard on myself as you know is paramount. It can be exhausting, and my sobriety has not been compromised. I accept that I am wired differently, and can never drink again. In a lot of ways, that's a relief from the secrecy and the shame. I have to believe this isn't easy for her, she called all of our friends and family while i was in detox asking if she was doing the right thing. One thing is for certain though, once she decided, she went full steam ahead and I feel like I'm trying to stop a freight train.
None of this stops the squirrel cage in my head, the thought of some other knucklehead someday pawing at her, or raising her kids. For an alcoholic, if it makes me feel better I guess, I did do everything to make certain that everybody was healthy, clean and well provided for. But, I was and will always be a recovering alcoholic. I wish I could find a support group for men who have impending divorce. Answers are what is missing, questions is all I have and trying to alleviate that early afternoon to late evening loneliness is tough. Every morning I look up at the bedroom door at 6:30 AM as she would normally be waking up and giving me a groggy wave and good morning and enjoy quiet and coffee together.
The pain is unbearable, I wonder if it is for her, if at all? The complete silence I can only take as her coping mechanism as seeing me could bring up emotions. Having her divorcing friend cheering her on and paying her friend rent can't possibly help. And I hate the thought of her becoming part of the man haters club. When she did go out with her friends, she would always tell me how happy to be home she was because she was actually proud to call me her husband and she loved me, unlike the others. Now, if I could only get her to talk to me, or, shut my brain off and end the endless conversation of regret, hope, what ifs...I just know I can't use to make it stop, which makes it all the more painful. Thanks again!!
They can tell you so much more than we can about sobriety. They can also tell you so much about their own families and how they handled going through sobriety and breakups and what they did or didn't do.
You said you "pissed off" your wife on the one weekend and you understand her anger. You said "I was a royal a$$, called her names, and worst, I don't even remember doing this." Let me explain that what you did is abuse and no one has to put up with it. Because you can't remember, you don't know everything you did and I suspect you did get physically abusive with her. But whatever you did, it was enough to end your marriage. Abuse is for many a deal breaker in a marriage and I tell people all the time to leave as it is not a sign of love, but it is a sign of degradation, of control, of domination and treating a person without dignity and respect, and many times causing them physical hurt--no one should tolerate it.
For now, she is going for divorce and there appears to be nothing you can say to change that. Focus on your sobriety and moving on without her. It would appear she is done with the marriage with you. Work on improving yourself and being the best man possible in your life. Good luck.