Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
because it doesn't really make a difference at this point, but a hypothetical question for the audience:
Let's say you had a very good friend, you've known since you were 18, you helped her get through a lot of shit in life. She gets married, you're friends with both of them, you help them split during a difficult divorce. She moves on, has a kid, breaks up again, and eventually finds an amazing partner and true love, they're best friends, but there are some inherent, non-love type difficulties in their relationship that cause her a lot of stress. Logistical stuff she's really struggling with.
Let's say that you've known for a long time that you're very much in love with your friend. It's been building and building over the years, you've never found anyone else you really clicked with, and you find yourself single in your early 40's and ready to settle down. You have the opportunity to solve her logistical/financial problems and are happy to do so. You really don't know if she feels the same way about you.
The question is, do you tell her? Do you say that you love her and want to be with her and provide for her and her daughter? Or do you respect the relationship she has, knowing that she's with a really great guy and they get along really well?
Okay, so maybe this isn't the most objective place for this question lol, but actually.. I'm the guy that just got left for the old friend. This "hypothetical" is the reason I'm here. She said she didn't know if she could live with the possible regret of not exploring this.
I told her that even though the guy has every right to tell her how he feels, I thought it was a pretty shitty thing for someone to do.. Especially a "good friend". I would think a "good friend" would just keep it inside and be happy for his friend. I would. She defended him a little, respected my view while not agreeing totally. The reason I asked was because I was looking for some perspective from his point of view. But like I said, it really doesn't matter at this point. Just one of those thoughts that keep jumbling around up there.
She did want me to "wait around", give her some time to explore it, even though I told her that I once I processed the news I probably would not be the "backup plan". She has a stubborn side and I'm sure she truly believed/belives that we could/can get back together if it didn't work out. I'm still around 98% - No.
I know she's (almost?) as messed up as I am right now.. I know she's confused from the incredible stress she's been under, she even called it a possible mid-life crisis.. "Maybe I'm just having a moment. Can't I have a moment?" she even said. Well, sure, but you're a big girl, put on your big girl panties and make an adult decision. If you're too stressed out to make a rational decision, then maybe that's your answer. Uugggghhh.
I think it was a rotten thing for that person to tell her as it sounds like she could have gotten together with him a long time ago, if she had feelings for him. For her to decide at this time to see what this guy will do for her is showing she certainly does not respect your feelngs. myself, I would let her go and move on and NEVER become her plan B. I would want to be someones plan A or nothing.
Good luck----you are too good for her
If you start dating her, you are (as gem111 says) plan B for her. You don't want that. You don't want to be with someone who will throw in the towel if someone better comes along because sooner or later, they will throw in the towel on you too. If she's having a midlife crisis, that too will end. And often when people blow up their marriage in process, they will wake up one day and wonder wtf did I just do, and be pretty unhappy with where things landed.
If you continue to advise her on her marriage at this point, you are going to have clouded vision. I would suggest you need to distance yourself even as a friend.
Does she deserve to be happy? Well sure. But here's the thing. She needs to find happiness for herself. You can't be the provider of that.
Believe me when I say this, there are plenty of other people in the world. You just haven't met them yet. She may seem special or "the one" simply because you know her really well. The longer you spend pining over this married woman, the harder it will be to look around and see who else is out there.