The excitement of moving out and into a place of my own is over. I'm in my new place, the first place I have ever owned by myself, and it's exactly what I wanted. But I am so lonely there. I hate being there.

Last night I skipped the gym and got drunk at home alone instead. I sent my ex a nasty text telling him I would have never loved him if I had known what a cheap slut he was. Yes, he cheated on me and then played the passive role waiting for me to end the relationship for him. But I should not have said what I said to him because it made me the person who I was when I was with him for fifteen years and I did not like that person.

And now I fill like such a bad person because I returned to how I used to be. I was baiting him with that text and he didn't take the bait which is good for him, but in a sick way it hurt me. That hurt because I couldn't manipulate him was painful because I knew it was all really over, and I got a good look at the person I became in the relationship. If I were him I would have wanted to be rid of me.

But I wanted to be rid of him to, and now I am. And I don't like what's coming. I don't like being alone.