Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Well most of you know my story, wife left after 24 years, hooked up with our 18 year old daughter's boyfriend's dad. As far as I know theyre still together which is fine by me at this point I have moved on in light years and can see how much better off I am and how peaceful it is at home now with my daughter as she has chosen to stay with me, its been 13 months now, shes a senior in high school.
There are 2 issues Im dealing with currently:
The first issue is grad night. My daughter asked me about it and I informed her Im going with my brother and cousin and her mom is going with her parents. She kind of freaked out and thought this was too much drama as I said I do not want to talk to her mother anymore and will not be sitting with her, she made her choice and Ive worked too hard this last year to get where I am at. This is a boundary I am not at all comfortable ignoring. I have been here at the house with my daughter for the last 13 months while my ex is living her new fabulous Hawaiian life with her boytoy. Looking at her disgusts me. After the breakup I wouldve done anything to reconcile but now I wouldnt take her back for a trillion dollars. Its a long road to get there. Now she is talking about not walking at grad night and just picking up her diploma. I told her that is her choice, she is 18, but Im not negotiating.
Second issue...She is enrolling in PIMA today to become a veterinary technician. I am very proud of her. I told her today I would be going down there with her but she looked panicky and said her mom was gonna go with her as they made the plans. I said Ok thats fine, go with your mom no biggie but im not going. She freaked out again, I know how hard this is for her and I feel terrible but again, these are the consequences of her moms choices and Im not going to humiliate myself another second with her. I explained to my daughter I dont want to see her, I dont want to talk to her, you are now an adult and again this is my way of moving forward in my healing. EVERY time I have seen her or had some mode of direct contact I have felt bad. Im not doing it again. I dont need to.
However, part of me says do it for the daughter you share. Am I being overly selfish? I know I am being selfish but this is self preservation. I do so much better the longer I dont have any contact with her. Especially one on one. I just want to move forward. Advice appreciated.
There are 2 issues Im dealing with currently:
The first issue is grad night. My daughter asked me about it and I informed her Im going with my brother and cousin and her mom is going with her parents. She kind of freaked out and thought this was too much drama as I said I do not want to talk to her mother anymore and will not be sitting with her, she made her choice and Ive worked too hard this last year to get where I am at. This is a boundary I am not at all comfortable ignoring. I have been here at the house with my daughter for the last 13 months while my ex is living her new fabulous Hawaiian life with her boytoy. Looking at her disgusts me. After the breakup I wouldve done anything to reconcile but now I wouldnt take her back for a trillion dollars. Its a long road to get there. Now she is talking about not walking at grad night and just picking up her diploma. I told her that is her choice, she is 18, but Im not negotiating.
Second issue...She is enrolling in PIMA today to become a veterinary technician. I am very proud of her. I told her today I would be going down there with her but she looked panicky and said her mom was gonna go with her as they made the plans. I said Ok thats fine, go with your mom no biggie but im not going. She freaked out again, I know how hard this is for her and I feel terrible but again, these are the consequences of her moms choices and Im not going to humiliate myself another second with her. I explained to my daughter I dont want to see her, I dont want to talk to her, you are now an adult and again this is my way of moving forward in my healing. EVERY time I have seen her or had some mode of direct contact I have felt bad. Im not doing it again. I dont need to.
However, part of me says do it for the daughter you share. Am I being overly selfish? I know I am being selfish but this is self preservation. I do so much better the longer I dont have any contact with her. Especially one on one. I just want to move forward. Advice appreciated.
-
-
I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
As for the college/PIMA issue, why not allow her mother to take her for the enrollment and then go down with your daughter another time in the near future so she can give you a tour or something (if it's a campus)? There's no reason you should have to make contact with your ex in that situation in my opinion.
On a side note, and I mean this in the most constructive way, but do you think you might be sharing too much of your feelings about your ex with your daughter? I know she is older, and an adult, but in some ways I am sure she is still like a child and you are her parents in this situation if that makes sense. I think it might help alleviate some of the guilt you feel that your daughter has if you were to simply say something like "Oh no problem, go ahead and go with your mom and you and I can go another time!" as if it didn't bother you much, rather than going into a talk about how much you don't want to see her, talk to her, or otherwise.
I don't think you're being overly selfish at all for not wanting to suffer a setback by making contact with your ex. Unfortunately though, with children come the fact that we may never fully be able to have no contact with our exes :( I think the grad night may be slightly more bearable since you will have other people with you as buffers, and if you don't have to sit near one another that would be a big help too.
I hope that helps!
I feel she should be so happy you are both going to her Graduation. I feel it is very selfish of her to want to make you sit together. There is no doubt in my mind there will be divorced parents there that are not sitting together.
If she wants to ruin her graduation by not walking------that is on her, not you. Don't feel guilty and don't let her blackmail you into sitting with your ex.
I feel she is old enough to understand and support your position.
The short answer----NO, you are NOT overly selfish. You support your daughter in any was you can, and you are allowed to have boundaries-----not being made to sit with or talk to ex. She should respect your wishes. They really aren't that hard.
I wish you the best!!!!
your daughter should understand
it is not worth the pain it will only cause for you
Your well being has to be priority...then you can be well for your daughter
in time she will understand
Then that is win win
Has your daughter said what she feels the drama is about the plan for grad night? I also went through my child's graduation. My ex & I did not sit together. My situation is odd because me ex had affair & wanted divorce, yet he hates me & will not speak to me. I see him weekly at kids events & he is pathetic. What does your daughter desire for grad night? Is she hoping for her parents to sit together?
Has your daughter said what upset her about going for PIMA? A thought, & I could be completely off base, but could it be your daughter freaked out because she wants you there, doesn't want to hurt you, or leave you out?
I wish I had more to offer in terms of advice. I understand the self preservation. My relationships have been impacted by my ex's manipulation of the kids, so I tend to go self sacrificing..but the loss of open communication with them is really hard.
Wish there was a "right" way to maneuver these important life milestones....
Sending tons of support!!
Crazy how last year I was suppose to take our kids to his parents for holiday but he wasn't going with us. I hope she is OK with it, but I'm sure she will blame me.
We've been doing athletic activities all year. Wish there was a way to not hurt kids. Good luck to both of us.