I’ve been married almost 8 years am really struggling to stay.  We got married only 8 months after meeting so obviously didn’t really know each other.  I was 30 and all my friends were getting married around me so I ignored the many red flags I saw very early on so I could have that fairytale too.

We have a 6 year old and a 4 year old.  Our children were very much planned and wanted.  Being a mom is all I’ve every wanted.  Both our children are conceived through IVF and we are currently in the process of having our remaining 6 embryos adopted though a Christian agency.

In early January my husband talked to me about divorce.  He said this is a loveless marriage.  We are both going through the motions and are miserable and we need to do something about it.  I agreed.  I was almost relieved when he had the conversation with me.  I wasn't even sad.  My parents interviened and are incouraging us to stay together so we are currently in that awkward stage and only hanging on for the kids. 

I am extremely close to my parents who have been married for 43 years.  I was brought up in a healthy family environment when unfortunately my husband was not.  My parents from early on never liked him because they noticed the control he had over me, however coming from the strong Catholic family I come from, my parents have stepped in very much want our marriage to work out.

My dad had a conversation with me and said it wasn’t about me, it was about the kids.  I needed to try harder.  I made the commitment (even though we got married in the court house and they weren’t even invited) I couldn’t give up.  I needed to keep working on it….

I feel like I have no voice because no one understands that I have been trying. 

Please let me tell you I’ve TRIED.  I’ve been to marriage counseling with and recently without my husband, I’ve tried everything under the sun to make him happy, I’ve tried to change myself to the person he wants, I’ve prayed, I’ve had my tarot cards read, I listened to motivational speakers, I lit incense all over my house and prayed, I prayed again, I’ve contacted physic advisors and spiritual healers, I’ve prayed some more, I had my feet soaking in rock salt water meditating and asking for forgiveness for anyone I’ve wronged, I bought pink quartz crystals to balance my heart chakra… I keep praying.  I pray every day. I used to pray to save my marriage but now I just pray for a path.  A direction, because I'm lost. 

As you can see I am absolutely desperate for some help and a direction.  I feel there is no growth in this marriage for either of us.  If we continue on, we will be in the same spot we are now, or we were 2 years ago, or 2 years before that, or 2 years before that.  Nothing changes. 

My dad said we needed to get back to the place when we were happy.  Sadly, neither one of us can thing of anything we enjoy doing together that makes us happy.  The kids are the only thing keeping us together.  The first 2 years were spent by me trying to “fix” him, and the last 6 have been miserable.  This is not how a marriage should be.  We are two passing ships that go through the motions.  We are not partners. We are not a team. We don’t communicate. We don’t honor or respect each other. I physically feel the tension when he is around me.  When I hear him come home at night, I get a pit in my stomach. It’s sad and lonely for both of us.  He stopped wearing his wedding ring, he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore, we sleep in separate beds. We are roommates that don’t even like being around each other. 

I fully understand that marriage is hard work and every married couple has their issues.  I believe ours are deeper, and that hard work has to come from both sides.  Not just one.

I am ready to throw in the towel, but I am torn because of my children and my family.

Now, let me explain, I care for my husband.  I think he’s incredibly selfish and a horrible husband but he is a good person that battles his own demons.  I can’t fix him.  I want him to find the happiness that he deserves and I don’t think it’s possible for me to make him happy. He is a good dad and I will always respect him for that. I will never shed negative light on that.

Our children are the only reason we are both hanging on.  I know they will suffer and we both want only the best for them. I question how healthy of an environment it is now for them.  We are not being very good role models of what a husband and wife should be.   

I am numb around him.  I really don't speak much because my words are twisted made to feel invalid.  My gut tells me to leave.  He doesn't love me anymore.  I'm almost hoping he decides to leave me, or maybe he will cheat on me so it will make it easier to leave him.

I know I am independent and strong enough to do it but i'm scared. I'm scared of the unknown, scared to hurt him, scared of the financial burden and extra responsibilities it will put on me, I'm scared I will never feel loved again. I'm scared of being lonely. I'm scared I will ruin my children's lives.  But I can't BREATH around him!!