I had a very long day... the kind of day that is nothing but one disaster after another. Nothing detrimental, just millions of small “fires” to put out throughout the day. Managing a hospital is like that most days but today everything needed to be done quickly as to not cause further complications.  This was all day from first thing when I woke up to fingernail polish spilled all over the tile floor and in the grout, being late to work, dealing with the chaos of my job, getting through work, and coming back home to try to finish cleaning up polish and putting out yet more “fires”. And mentally preparing for yet more tomorrow. 

When I’ve had days like this before I always had my wife to come home to, to help me through it by her just being there. All I wanted was to come home and have her give me a big hug and just hear that she was here for me and that things will be okay. But, I can’t come home to her... because we are separated and she moved out three months ago. Ive mostly accepted that this is the place we are in. That we may not come back from this as she can’t get over past her own resentments. No matter that I’ve done everything she has asked of me and she says she sees that I’ve worked hard to do that. She just can’t get over the resentment she has and it makes her not see me in a romantic way. She just sees me as someone she loves and cares for but isn’t in love with. 

So, here I am home alone. In our house, with our pets, surrounded by our things that remind me of so much love that we’ve had together over the last nine years... trying to hold myself together when all I want is to fall apart. I miss the feeling of knowing she would always be there for me and knowing that I wouldn’t have to go through this life alone. I’m not really looking for a solution to this. I know it’s something that I will have to accept and get through on my own. I guess I’m just looking to know I’m not alone in this feeling.