About the trust... I have done the same thing as you. Trust is really delicate, once it's lost it takes special actions by both parties to be rebuilt. My counselor told me that the person who offends the trust has to really be willing to put up a lot and communicate to re-cultivate the trust.

I, like you, have reflected on the times where I didn't trust and if I had trusted would things be better. Honestly, I don't know if it would have, that would be like denying my emotions. I could have handled them differently but the trust needed to be rebuilt by both people.... Trust is crucial in a relationship.

As far as second chances, some people get them, others don't. I think we can be happy again... but I have no idea how or when that would happen. Could take a long time, could be quick.

I feel your pain. I feel the scars so deep that I question whether or not I could trust again at all, and that sucks.

Trust is so hard to repair once it has been betrayed. With my ex, it did us in at the end. And now? He's trying to rebuild what we had and lost once again. But the lack of trust (and we both erred) scars so deeply like LoneBuck said and it does not go away easily and sometimes it doesn't go away at all. I think you were right in feeling how you felt about your ex, but he also needed to understand where you were coming from in questioning him as well.

That said, I think what LB said about what his counselor said that the person has to be willing to put up with a lot and communicate, etc. - I think all of that is valid and true. BUT, if you both aren't on the same page with it then you turn into a nag who won't really give him a second chance. Not saying you were, but I could see how he could go there and after a certain point people get tired of trying to fix what they did. They just give up.

Anyway, yes, I think we do get second chances at being happy again. But its a heck of a lot harder to see that one is in front of you presently, if you are living in the past. I think there are way too many people in this world for most of us to have just one singular love. That one, so to speak. I think its up to us to learn from the mistakes that were made in a relationship that has ended and to apply that knowledge to the next one...and maybe that will be the lasting one, and in that, finding true happiness that you never knew could exist within a relationship.

I think your life is what you make of it. You can call it a second chance. But ultimately you simply have to give something a chance. A new relationship is not your old one and so I believe our happiness is in how we cultivate our fears to our advantage.

If you want a second chance to be happy, with him or with someone else, you first have to start with yourself.

To be happy with yourself is very doable, but it's also hard because you first have to face everything you don't like about yourself and realize it's all a falsehood of your own making.

What you make you can un-make. Just takes time, determination and patience.

The lack of trust can carry over to future relationships too if it is not addressed and in my marriage, I paid the price. My stbx's first husband owned a restaurant/bar and had many one night stands during their marriage which led to its demise.

When she and I married three years after her divorce finalized, she obviously still had the trust issues in her head because she was suspicious of me although I never ever gave her a reason to be. I'm sure that she thought that because of my job's late hours, often overnight, that I was out playing around on her.

I wasn't and there was undeniable proof of that but she still thought that, and with the fact that we were on different sleep schedules I'm kinda surprised we made it as long as we did but I'm sure my quick promotion to an office job and it's regular weekday hours helped immensely. Either way, she was so sure I was playing around on her when that couldn't have been further from the truth and she was never able to fully let go of her first ex's indiscretions..

He cheated a d you don't trust him! A very natural response to his betrayal. Why are you blaming yourself? He is the one that has to prove he is trustworthy.

Once a cheater....you know the rest. Try to pick up the pieces and move on. And please, don't let him tell you it was your fault he cheated. Most scumbag cheaters say that.

There is no reason to cheat. NONE!

Jgarc: Okay, back up the train as you're speeding down the wrong track. When he cheats, it breaks so much in a marriage all the way from trust and confidence to placing cracks within the family and it also shows the cheater lied too. It's not something that is just brushed under the carpet.

If you've ever watched Dr. Phil, it is about both parties getting into counseling, staying in counseling, and the cheater being completely transparent on what they are doing, where they are going and everything UNTIL the person who was cheated on feels they can trust again.

You remain inquisitive so you feel satisfied that your partner is not lying to you and cheating again--so naturally you don't roll over--you do constantly question, especially if he would stay overnight on the job. WHY ARE YOU DOUBTING YOURSELF? YOU DIDN'T CHEAT--HE DID.

I think if you start infusing yourself with blame for asking your husband questions after he cheated on you, then I see that as a problem developing within you.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16?q=My+husband+had+an+affair

I think your mistake was staying with him after he cheated. Of course you don't trust him! You would be delusional if you did. One great reason to dump a cheater is because you don't want to spend your life worrying about what he is doing when he is not with you. It's not good for you or him.

We get a bagillion chances to be happy again in a relationship if we don't settle for people who aren't trustworthy. It is great that you are reflecting upon your actions. That will help you be a better partner when Mr. Right comes along.

I think owning your own mistakes is good. I did very much the same thing as you. Ultimately we should NEVER be made to feel we can't trust the people we love. Trust is just a line you can't cross back over easily......so don't break it.....not you but your ex and mine. I wouldn't cheat. I don't beat myself forhis bad choices. I forgave him and stayed only to have him do it again a year later.....I dont regrat any of it. We all need to live with our choices. ...My marriage, my family, my vows,my husband....were all iimportant to me....but some of those I could not do on my own...he needed to value them too. He CLEARLYdid not...

I don't mean to belittle it....but his loss. You will get stronger you clearly are a smart to reflect to be better in your future amazing relationships! !

Thank you guys! All of you are very right, once the trust is broken it takes soooo much work to repair.

He was lazy, that is why he rather run away, start somewhere fresh rather than fix what he helped destroy. All i know is that I would have never ever given up on him. I guess love isn't always 50 50.

Yeah, 50/50 would be nice, right?

Marriage itself is meant to be the kind of thing that "you never give up on." That's what those vows say and that is what it takes. But if one person is lickety-split "I'm out" then that ends everything. :(

If you're like me you probably see past all the crap he's done and still love him... then somehow drift back to the things you did that were wrong as if what he did wasn't as bad (when it was worse).

That is not the right thing to do, we can't be doing that! You know what love is, it's 100 100.