Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife and I have been together 27 years, married for 22 and have a 6 year old boy. Our relationship as been deteriorating for a few years. We were in counseling last year, but stopped about a year ago. We didn’t feel the counselor was giving us the tools we needed or advice to help us.
I see a psychiatrist for depression. I’ve had it all my life. Just now feeling it is under control. At the beginning of February, my psych suggested my wife might be having an affair, just from the description of who she had been treating me and our deteriorating sex life. I thought, no way. I investigated and found out she was. She started dating about a year ago to find someone to have the affair with. She told me she did it to feel a connection with someone and be happy.
She has lied to me for the past year. I feel all the things I’ve tried to rebuild during that time were a waste. She ended the affair, but is still in love with the man. She is not remorseful for the affair. She said she wants to rebuild, but her actions say otherwise. She was being open about everything, but has since shutdown not telling me everything or letting me know where she is going.
I am a romantic and still want her so badly. I am also so angry and frustrated with her. I asked her to find a place to live, she refuses. I keep going from loving her so much to hating her with every ounce of my being.
We are talking. My heart says stick it out, see if we can mend. My head says get the divorce, she has betrayed, lied and tricked me for a year. She is only staying because once we divorce neither of us can live on half of what I make a year.
Thoughts?
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Most affairs start with two people hitting it off and just carelessly do it. It seems that something prompted her to deliberately start dating, scouting prospects then have the affair. She was looking for something that was not in the marriage anymore. Couples individually change but in successful marriages, they do it together, giving feedback on each other. Ask yourself if this OM has something that you had in the early years of your marriage such as the way he treated her. Unlike many cases of repeating infidelity, in my humble opinion, it seems to me that you can still win her back and restore your marriage. There is a lot of cases similar to yours that have been successful. There are faith-based marriage conferences that have helped restore marriages such as A Weekend to Remember and Hope Restored. Just because they are faith based doesn’t mean that they will influence your beliefs. Why not check out their websites, it might work for you. And I normally recommend a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud to help deal with affair and probably prevent one from happening again. I hope your marriage gets better.
I feel I’d been trying to make our relationship better over the past year, but as Chris Rock has said in his current Netflix special. Relationships are easy, it’s when one doesn’t want to help it gets hard. It’s easy for two people to move a couch and hard for one person to do it. I recommend this special to everyone, he talks about his divorce. Cathartic stuff. I saw it with my wife before I figured out she was cheating.
So she stopped counseling at the point she started an affair? Didn't want to try anymore with you, just wanted to find someone else? Yet still be married?
And she says she's not remorseful, would divorce if it weren't for the finances, but wants to try again with you? Those are some pretty blatant contradictions, IMO.
I'm NOT a romantic, I'm a realist these days. Actions do speak louder than words, and I think you have to set your heart aside, if just for a moment, and look at how her actions are not conducive to repairing your marriage. Or rebuilding trust. Or decent.
The reality is that divorce sucks, it drains families financially and emotionally. But I say, better to be poorer and at peace than to be financially stable and living a lie.