All you can do is toss in the towel and be done with being hurt or continue to enable him with his addiction to abuse and alcohol. You keep catching him when he falls a classic manipulative behavior. I’m not saying it’s a realized move from him but habit has told him this works so it must be alright. Tough choices to make no matter if you’re 25 or 55 it’s going to hurt. Now it’s up to you to choose the hurt you want, once or repetitive? I know it sounds callous but it’s how they say an alcoholic wot quit till they hit rock bottom. So sorry but you have to be the elevator and leave them at the ground floor. Strength.

Thanks! Honestly, to tell me that he wants to love me the way "he wants to", made me feel like what i want just doesn't even matter.
This has been a long road... but I'm so happy that I've Finally found some where to move!
Your words are So encouraging & I am so grateful for your Shared Wisdom!!

What you want doesn't matter, you don't have to think about it to see that. Time to hit the road.

I worked in the mental health field for years and sat through hundreds of hours of group therapy over about 15 years. When abusers say this, they usually mean they have feelings that may or may not be love and they express those feelings through abuse. If you define love as attraction, respect and caring for the other person. Someone who hits you, leaves bruises and breaks your bones can't possibly love you. Their idea of love is convoluted and mired in power and control issues. However, since they want companionship, sex and to be loved they mistake what they have with the other person as love.

I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's a justification I've seen therapist pounce on time and time again. They would ask things like: "So if your wife tolerates your abuse, does that in your mind mean she loves you?" "Do you think your wife understands your version of love means bearing the brunt of your frustrations?" When it is stated bluntly in such a manner most of the men I've observed, respond that loosing control is something that will probably not change. They want it to and they're trying to change it, but taking out their anger on another person is such a deeply ingrained part of their personality that if they don't hit, they will scream, name call, shove, or hurt the person in some other way to get it out.

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Be careful, leave when he's at work, and don't be alone with him for a while after you leave. If you have to talk to him, do it in public. Also, pack everything in your house up, get someone to come and immediately load it in a vehicle and immediately leave. You don't want a neighbor alerting him that you appear to be moving out. He'll come home and things might get dangerous. Be safe and plan for that worst case scenario, understanding that when abuse is involved we are always underestimating the danger.

Thank You So much for all of your words of encouragement!
"GUTTED" Thank you for giving your professional advice & knowledge.
I've actually printed out your comments so I can read them and gain empowerment as I move forward in this Hard road i have ahead of me!
Thank You!!

"In my own way I Love You"...I would think it means that he loves you and he knows trying to change to please someone else doesn't work.

Everything happen for a reason

Manipulator ALARM! In his "own way" he "loves you". Sorry to be blunt but love is love and if he is making clear that his way of "loving" you is not the usual normal way ...then it's not love what we are talking about here. Of course I could be wrong but that phrase doesn't look good at all

I am thinking he may be trying to say in his mind he does care (as best as he knows how) Sadly, when someone is unhealthy and abusive, they don't easily believe us (thinking that once again they can bully us into staying )

Ghostdancer is right.....do you want the hurt once and done...or repeatedly? (I have been scared into staying several times now so my hurt continues.) I wish you well

Honestly, its his manipulation that has made me stay as long as I have.

He started changing about 9 months to a year into our marriage. But my daughter was young (she started college this year). And I felt "stuck".

But I Stopped believing him when he said he would change about 2 years ago. Which is also when I made up my mind to start planning to leave.

It means he's a selfish jerk.

"Danceintherain" ... I Totally Agree!!