Sooo, I have written my first post nearly two months ago and now I'm here again just needing some positive feedback.. something.. over some new things that I've discovered. My first post was about my ex and I described what I went through in that relationship.. emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. All the things I've mentioned were still clear in my mind since the breakup was so fresh.

Anyhow, as time went on, I started to gain a new perspective about my ex. I do see now more than ever that my relationship with him wasn't healthy. That the behavior that I was accepting from him isn't considered "normal" nor should I condone it ever. The more I inform myself about emotional abuse... the more I talk to my therapist about him... he has to have a form of a personality disorder. He fits right in the "narcissstic" category to the T which makes complete sense now. Why he wouldn't be empathetic towards my feelings on issues that mattered to me... the excessive jealousy... controlling everything around me (what I do, say)... the subtle put downs and manipulation tactics he used to get what he wants... to make it my fault... so he'd never claim responsibility... the highs and lows of the intensity (love bombing)... the constant confusion and second guessing my mental state.. etc. Its clear as day, and it's really nice to know that I wasn't the issue. That I'm not the "crazy pathological liar."

I know now that everything I did or would have done ... wouldn't have been enough for him. I know now that he was taking everything he could get from me, took me forgranted, and his feelings weren't anything on my level. He's incapable of that. However, just because I know this deep to my core, it doesn' make it hurt less. I have flashbacks of moments in my past where we would be in an argument. When those occur as Im dreaming... I get an incredible surge of anxiety and shame... which leads to a panic attack. These moments feel so real, and it reminds me of how "stressed" I was being in that relationship.

Also, I have heard from my friend that she discovered my ex has moved on already with someone else. This happened so quickly. So when I first heard about it, I was in such a deep shock. I was pretty upset and from that moment on.. I was able to see him for who he really is. She showed me a picture of the two celebrating Halloween together... doing the things that we had planned when we were together. I understand some people can't be alone and narcissists especially can't survive without a source of supply but that is shitty. I never thought he was capable of moving on so quickly, pretending everything is okay as if he hasn't got out of  a two year relationship. To think, he wanted to me to still be a part of his life after the breakup... giving me some sort of hope that we'd have a future together until we "both" worked on our issues. I don't understand why he'd suggest that. Maybe so I'd continue to pine for him.. be a backup option if new candidates don't last.. or just to mentally fuck with me some more.

Either way, I am not going to try to understand it because that'll just drive me crazy. All that matters is that I am out of that relationship. Anyhow, seeing him with someone else definitely isn't ideal, but he's someone elses problem. Yeah.. it was a blow to my ego he moved on quickly.. but I can't take it personally. He can't be helped. He's never going to change. Ive been in no contact which helps alot. I just hope I can get back to where I was. Some days are better than others. 

I guess I needed a pick me up because I don't have alot of support. No one around me has an idea of what I went through besides my therapist and my friend knows a small portion about my relationship with my ex but it's nothing that she would understand. Thanks for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts if you do.