I've never joined a group like this before.  But maybe a new way of coping with a break-up will stop the crazy cycle I've been in.  I don't really know how I'm supposed to do this, so I guess I'll just tell my story...

I thought I had the love of my life, soul-mate, best friend.  This month would have been 6 years together.  So much has happened in those 6 years, both good and bad.  But the main things have been the past 2 years. 

I left a horrible marriage and moved right on to Steve.  Fell in love quickly.  After 1.5 years, I moved in with him and his mom. (yes, he still lives at his mom's.  He pays rent, she is dependent on him).  Anyway, I lived there in hoarding conditions in a tiny bedroom (with my kids) for a year and a half while "we" were saving up money to buy a house.  Unfortunately, he wasn't as dedicated to moving out as I was.  Long story short, I ended up buying a house on my own and moving without him. It wasn't unexpected, as he has anger issues and seems to enjoy being mean to me.

Anyway...  Couldn't get over him so for a year, we were off & on still seeing each other.  Then comes February 2016.  I was working at my 2nd job and I get the news that he was at that moment, on a plane to Indonesia to visit a girl he met on an on-line game and that he has been talking to for over a year.  I had no idea about this at all.  Absolutely no indication that he met anyone, even though we told each other that if we did meet other people, we would tell each other.  And now he is flying 17 hours to visit her??? 

So, this past year has been on & off, over and over and over.  Me getting strong and leaving.  Him begging for me back and saying all the "right" things.  Time periods of complete happiness, then he turns mean again.  Then I discover that he is talking to her again, or I find replys to Craigslist ads in his email (casual encounters).  The trust is completely gone.  He knew that.  Then the cycle would go on again.  I would break up with him, I would have a complete emotional breakdown, he would say all nice things and tell me how much he loves me, I would take him back.  Trust completely broken, but I had hope "this time would be different".  We got back together this time only a month ago, after another bout of him talking to her behind my back.  He actually booked another trip to Indonesia when we were broken up, but cancelled it last-minute.  He ended up living with me, not "moved-in" technically, but he never left.  Until last week when I complained that he needed to do more around the house, since he didn't start paying rent yet.  Then he left to sleep at his mom's house.

So yesterday I snooped.  Yes, I snooped.  I found proof that some of my suspicions were accurate.  These suspicions I told him about over the past year.  He told me that he didn't start talking to Indonesia chick until we broke up the time in November 2015.  I never beleived it and told him that.  I found love letters (like really gushy) from as early as September 2015.  I found so much else yesterday, but it would take a novel to explain.  So, just beleive me... 

So I started thinking.  How long am I going to let this continue?  It's a pattern with him.  Just look at the Craigslist emails I found.  1 in May 2014 (while I was living with him and I thought everything was cool), 1 in December 2014 (while we were fighting about the possibility of me moving out on my own) and then 1 in April 2016 (the day after our week vacation together to "fix us").  And then the "mean-ness".  We have broken up and gotten back together at least 10 times these past 2 years.  Every time we get back together, it's so great for the first couple weeks, then he starts being a jerk again.  It's not abusive or anything, but the way he talks to me, his attitude and tone.  He talks to me like he hates me.  Any time he gets angry, he takes it out on me.  Even if I have nothing to do with the problem.  Example:  He didn't get a bonus this year from work because he didn't complete the 5 hours of mandatory on-line training.  He blamed it on me!  Because I didn't do it for him.  But that's kinda normal for us.  I have to give him my all, I have to make him my #1 priority.  But I don't get it back in return.  Ever.  He doesn't help me out with hardly anything, but I'm expected to drop everything whenever he needs my help.  It's just so 1-sided..

I finally realized (and I hope this realization stays with me) that he will never change.  This will never improve. 

So, what am I doing?  Why the F%&K am I wasting my time on someone who hurts me more often then makes me feel good?  I ended it last night.  I was going to wait to see if he came clean about the lies, but when I called him when I was on my way back from dropping my daughter off at her dad's, he just gave me attitude, and for no reason.  He didn't know what I found, I did nothing wrong.  He was just in a bad mood and took it out on me again.  That, I think, was my preverbial "Last Straw".  I remained calm and ended it without bashing him.  I told him what I wanted, what I felt.  Pretty much the things I wrote above. 

I don't want to get weak and go back to him the way I did before.  I used to be a very strong woman.  I don't want to be his door-mat anymore.  I know it will be hard and will take time, but I want to move on with my life.  I actually feel pretty good right now, I want that to continue.  I guess what I need is help keeping me on-track.  LOL, I almost feel like an addict.

Can someone please help me?

~ValAngel18