Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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lorenzo19 09/03/2017

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting, so please take it easy on me. I could really use an objective perspective right now. Let me first start off saying I am a selfish fool and that's putting it mildly. My live-in girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me over 2 weeks ago while I was out of town on business and I don't blame her. I was her first real boyfriend and this was her first real long term relationship. Before all of this, we have had many conversations about getting married and having kids together. Prior to me she had guys the were more flings and or ended because they cheated on her or she was unknowingly the other woman. You see, she and I have been having a rough go at it to get on the same page in the area of intimacy for over a year or so. Outside of the intimacy issues, everything was good. We'd have arguments about it about every 2-3 weeks about her difficulty to open up and willing to explore more to keep things fresh for us. She began to meet with a sex therapist to address her difficulty in this area. After a while, I started to pull away and wasn't showing her the affection that I used to show her. Even when she got to the point where she suggested something new, I was already too fargone down the rabbit hole of resentment and anger and it began spilling over into the areas of the relationship that was once great. She started to have this gut feeling that something wasn't right and began looking through my emails while I was out of town. She found inappropriated emails between another woman that was off and on for the past year and saw that I reopened my Tinder account (which I quickly closed after opening and never corresponded with anyone). I knew this woman before I entered a relationship with my girlfriend and she sent me an email out of the blue after years of not talking. I shared I was in a relationship and having we were having difficulties. I should have never confided in this woman, but I just couldn't bring it up again with my girlfriend and start another arguement. The email convos eventually went from I wrongly perceived as harmless to more sexual in nature, including pictures/videos. After discovering this, my girlfriedd stated that the combination of all of the arguments that we've been having with the emails she found was it fr her and she was defeated and heartbroken. She moved out by the time I retured home.

Before she left town to go spend time with her family in Seattle she agreed to meet with me face-to face. During that meeting we both agreed we had some fundamental issues in this area we couldn't work out together and needed to address it on our own with our therapists. With everything that has taken place we still embraced, kissed and expressed our profound love for one another. I told her that dispite our fundamental differences, I was completely wrong for emailing that other woman and that it wasn't her fault at all. It was solely on me. I asked her if she would be returning or moving back to Minneapolis and her response was "I don't know". I asked if/when I could ever reach out to her again and she responded with "I don't know...maybe around December or January".

That following Saturday, she had a FaceTime session with my two kids (4 & 6 yrs old) and I to explain why she wouldn't be around like she usually is. My daugter asked her when she would be returning and she stated "I don't know". We tearfully ended the FaceTime session and I immediately sent her a long email apologizing for my actions and sharing how much I regret what I did to hurt her. Little did I know, she was blocking me on all of the social networks, text, phone and possibly email around the same time. So, I don't know if she ever received the email or not.

I know what I did was extremely hurtful to her and her family. It really kills me to think of the pain that I have caused her. I betrayed her trust and her heart in the most henious way possible. I have begun counseling to address the issues that I have contributed to the relationship (i.e. letting go of past hurts) and my therapist mentioned that she felt there was real value in hearing her side of things. So, I did reach out to her by Instagram Direct Message to welcome her to share her perspective via phone at my next session and it does show that she has seen it. She has yet to respond. I fear that I have lost her for good, but I pray to God that I haven't.

I'd appreciate any insights you all may have to share. Thanks in advance.

Alovetolast 09/03/2017

I'd say give her and yourself some time and space. The space and no contact should help you both put things in to perspective. However you should be ready for the results - either she comes back to you or completely let her go.

Everybody makes mistakes... Everybody has room to grow... Accept the fact that you made a mistake and you hurt someone you love. Learn from it. Accept that the relationship ended. Forgive yourself and strive to be a better person, for yourself and for the next relationship you'll have.

Good luck on your life's journey!

heartache5 09/03/2017

I agree with the first comment give het space. Most important is work on urself like ur doing but don't stop that work. So that if she would ever decide to come back she sees that u are working hard on fixing urself.
The fact she blocked you is tough she may make things worse in her mind. Given her history of being cheated on she is probably pretty sure u cheated in her sexually. I honestly can't give my opinion on ur situation as by reading ur story I personally doubt u didn't cheat (but tgats because I now have trust issues cause I was cheated on) and if u didn't cheat u likely would have at some point given the messages u sent. But tgats only a know for me I won't judge you as I don't know you. But I'm just saying tgats likely her thinking right now. If she doesn't want contact there's no way for you to tell her ur truth.
Anyway in het mind it's unforgivable given het past. However women are amazing creatures. Give her time and work on urself and IF she comes back make sure u answer every single question she has for you . Don't keep anything behind no matter if it hurt her or not she needs to know answers if she asks. Reconciliation is not impossible. Especially if u truly didn't physically cheat like ur saying. Make sure ur honest to urself and her. She says she doesn't know so the door is still open. She's confused and hurt give her time.

Songbird2582 09/03/2017

Yes, you need to give her time. But you have done the right thing by accepting full responsibility for your actions and now by working on becoming a stronger person who won't make that kind of mistake in the future. Your kids are too young to be told any details about what happened but they can learn a very valuable lesson from your response. Dad made a mistake and he accepts responsibility for it. That is what adults with integrity do. And Dad is doing the hard work to be a better person. Good for you and good for your children.

Ghostdancer 09/03/2017

With space comes visibility..... you can see for yourself the way to satisfaction and best possible solution. Blessings

lorenzo19 09/03/2017

Thank you so much to you all for taking the time to provide your much appreciated perspectives. In light of what I've done, I understand my character and integrity are questionable. Rightly so. For what it's worth, I have not touch another woman while in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend(it's excruciating to call her that). The woman from the emails actually lives in Michigan while I live in Missouri. Even with that being the case, me merely expressing my sexual desires for another woman is just as bad in my opinion. Especially knowing what my ex has gone through in past relationships. I can't believe I let this happen. I can't believe I hurt her like this.

11Christmases 09/03/2017

Why was she seeing a sex therapist when you weren't married or even engaged yet? Was there rape/abuse in her past, or were you just getting bored? If it's the latter, I think you were expecting too much from her. Women want security in a relationship. We take on far more risk than men. Don't even reach out to her again unless you're going to put a ring on it.

heartache5 09/03/2017

It sounds like you are on the right path for ur self healing. You realize what you have done and how much u have hurt her that's already a huge step most cheaters won't be able too. Keep working on urself so this never happens again cause the usual next step after this is cheating of course if no help was sought. Ur on the right track. Either she comes back and than she sees how hard it working on urself or she won't come back but at least u won't cheat on a future partner. U will come out stronger regardless. U hope for you she gives u anothet chance. Another tip if she comes back. Research urself about what in her life caused the relationship issues. Like if she was abused read up on that if she had depression read up on that etc. That really helps to understand het point of view as to why she was unable to be intimate. Also be realistic. After infidelity u can't expect a sex life for a long time. Yes it might eventually be better than ever if the relationship survives but she might be to disgusted by what u did to be intimate for a long time. That's different for everyone who was cheated on. Wish you the best!

lorenzo19 09/07/2017

Thank you so much for the feedback @heartache5! Pain is often a great motivator and it sure has motivated me to improve myself and prevent this from happening again. I agree, nothing but good can come from learning about why it was difficult for her to open up. I have just finished writing apology letters to her parents, brothers and best friend. They treated me like family and I felt it was only right to apologize in writing and thank them for all they have done for me. It was actually really cathartic.

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