Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
To summarize, my husband cheated for 8 months, I found out in late March of 2012. We went to marriage counseling for more than a year but I struggled terribly to get over the affair. It destroyed me. I cried everyday for a year and half which counselors told me has made it really difficult for us to repair our marriage. Fast forward to today and we still can't make it work. I thought we were doing better over the summer but the past month we just can't get along and it's really tense. I'm seeing a counselor on my own (to deal with this and other issues) and she said we should separate. I'm sure she's right but I'm so scared to do it. I'm terrified by the thought of dating again, living alone, starting over, dividing up all the things we've collected over the years and missing my husband who has been my best friend since we started dating in 1996. We are 38, have been married 12 years, and don't have kids but we both want them.
I know he needs to go but I can't make myself end it. I just got off the phone with him and he was so sweet and like the guy I fell in love with but tonight he'll come home and someone will say something and it will create tension and then I'll cry. I've been miserable for three years and I have to do something to get happy. I'm wasting my life. We've discussed separating several times over the past few years and he says he'll move but he never does. He stays because just like me he loves me and he's scared to move on.
How do people do it? I'm freaking out. We started dating when he was 19 and I was 20. He was my first serious boyfriend and the only one I've been with sexually. I don't know how to date! It's giving me severe anxiety thinking about starting over. What if I never find someone again and have to spend the rest of my life alone? I worry about things like spending holidays with new in-laws and what if he doesn't like animals as much as I do and doesn't want me to do everything I can to help them when they have diabetes or kidney failure. I can't imagine doing things like grocery shopping with someone else.
How did you get the strength to walk away? Tell me how dating after divorce was for you. Because I'm 38 and want kids, I don't have time to waste. I want to start dating soon if I separate. Things have been bad for 3 years so it's not like this is fresh. I'm freaking out because I don't want to just jump into bed with someone. How long will a guy wait for me before I'm ready? Because I've only had one partner I'm pretty sure I suck in bed and am scared about embarrassing myself. I put on 20 lbs after the affair and am ashamed of my body. I'm just a huge mess.
I need advice from anyone who can help. Sorry this is so long. Thanks in advance for anything you can share.
I know he needs to go but I can't make myself end it. I just got off the phone with him and he was so sweet and like the guy I fell in love with but tonight he'll come home and someone will say something and it will create tension and then I'll cry. I've been miserable for three years and I have to do something to get happy. I'm wasting my life. We've discussed separating several times over the past few years and he says he'll move but he never does. He stays because just like me he loves me and he's scared to move on.
How do people do it? I'm freaking out. We started dating when he was 19 and I was 20. He was my first serious boyfriend and the only one I've been with sexually. I don't know how to date! It's giving me severe anxiety thinking about starting over. What if I never find someone again and have to spend the rest of my life alone? I worry about things like spending holidays with new in-laws and what if he doesn't like animals as much as I do and doesn't want me to do everything I can to help them when they have diabetes or kidney failure. I can't imagine doing things like grocery shopping with someone else.
How did you get the strength to walk away? Tell me how dating after divorce was for you. Because I'm 38 and want kids, I don't have time to waste. I want to start dating soon if I separate. Things have been bad for 3 years so it's not like this is fresh. I'm freaking out because I don't want to just jump into bed with someone. How long will a guy wait for me before I'm ready? Because I've only had one partner I'm pretty sure I suck in bed and am scared about embarrassing myself. I put on 20 lbs after the affair and am ashamed of my body. I'm just a huge mess.
I need advice from anyone who can help. Sorry this is so long. Thanks in advance for anything you can share.
Also, btw, unlike most women who've been single off and on the majority of their adult lives, you've been having sex on a regular basis for almost 20 years! You might actually be more skillsy than they are!
As for children, you might talk to your obgyn about your fertility so you have an idea of what your options are realistically. Even if it turns out that you are too old to conceive or carry, there's always adoption.
Half of marriages end in divorce, so you're not alone. You'll get through this!
Being a healthy red blooded man, I say that she'd have a lot.
Don't worry about that, take some time for yourself to heal from the betrayal, that will give you a chance to get your head on straight so that you can see how beautiful you are on the inside,
I am afraid that your relationship might have been the type that might have had a chance to overcome the cheating but you might have hindered the process with your outlook and anxiety. You went to therapy for over a year - he agreed to go, most don't stick with it that long - and you cry every single day for a year and a half? - Something about that doesn't sound right - and please, I know the cheating is very difficult to overcome and him cheating for 8 months it's pretty alarming but something about your story tells more than a man who cheated - says that you are too fragile and you are living life but you really aren't - you are worrying about what has happened yet.
If you can't seem to overcome the cheating, separate and stay solo for sometime - do not center who you are, your dreams and all else around a man - living solo won't kill you, trust me.
I agree, you are a huge mess - I would suggest counseling.
Good luck.
Give yourself a rest for a bit, and just try to adjust to a life without him.
Romance WILL come again someday, just not today. But din't try to force love, and don't worry about not being good in bed, mother nature and YOUR nature will take over before you know it!
Keep your mind and your heart open, but guard your heart now for a while, sweetie!
I'm just curious about where he stands now? Is he a serial cheater..has he not been clear? Is the situation not workable? In order to stay you have to be willing to start fresh and he has to take responsibility and be completely transparent. I totally understand if you just can't get past it..most couples can't.
Breaking away from someone you love is awful..but you just do it..one step at a time. You feel bad for a while..but it changes. You can't just replace him to start a family quickly..I don't think. You are going to have to take time to heal.
Don't worry about your lack of experience or anything else..you are projecting into an unknown future. Stay in the now..the future will take care of itself. Either you want to leave because the relationship you have now is never going to work or you stay. It's that simple.
P.S. - I totally understand the anxiety.