Hey Y'all

This is my first time using a public online forum as an outlet for the inner struggle i deal with daily. i try so hard to put on a happy face, all the while dying inside. My story is a bit lengthy so bear with me as i do my best to encapsulate it. 400 days ago, i entered a treatment facility to address my deep seated alcohol and addiction issues. my journey to rock bottom was precipitated by the end of a long distance relationship. This relationship, was the first i ever had. I am a 26 year old man but have the emotional maturity of a 16 year old girl to be brutally honest. This was a relationship which should have never been. I merely latched on to this person, because it was the first time anyone had ever been attracted to me, not the other way around. I lost my virginity to this girl and mistook love for lust. i clinged on to her for dear life, and she knew how much i cared for her. She mistook my kindness for weakness and took advantage at every opportunity. the feeling was not even close to mutual. When it ended, i went on a huge self sabotaging bender which led me to a rehab facility and being on suicide watch. Not my proudest moment, but it was the first time I quit lying to myself and everyone else. First time admitted that I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. First time i aknowledge that i had problems. Whilst in treatment  and I was able to sober up, all my insecurities and issues that I had numbed out for the past 10 years with substances came to the surface. The depression, anxiety, self loathing, over sensitivity, co-dependency and anorexia (I lost 130lbs in 10 months while in college) was laid bear for me to address and begin to heal. This was a great opportunity to do it, at a time where I could truly focus on myself. I unfortuantely did not take advantage of it as i shoud have.

Instead of doing that, I met a girl right out of treatment. Although I was initially guarded and weary of women given my most recent experience, she again express interest in me. She told me that she had never met anyone like me, and that when she saw me, she knew she had to have me. I caved. The relationship became extremely emotional and sexual and within a matter of days, she told me that she loved me. this was the first time anyone outside of my family said this to me. i cant even put into words how good it made me feel. I fell for her soon after that and ask her to be my girlfriend. I dated this girl for 8 months but because we both lived in gender specific halfway houses, we had to hide it from the world. We knew we had to put recovery first but  we also felt the love we had for one another was too profound to ignore. Everything was going well until one day she got into trouble for breaking the rules and dating me.. she had to tell her parents about me and moved to a different program. anyone who has been in a 12step program knows that one of the most important things is that sobriety begins with rigourous honesty in all of our affairs. 2 weeks after she moved, her parents gave her an ultimatum. They told her that if she didn't break up with me immediately and block me entirely( phone, social media, email) they would no longer support her financially or emotionally. It was a classic choose the boy or your family, and I got broken up with via email by the woman who I had fully intended on marrying. It was only a week before that we laid in bed together, naked, talking about how many kids we wanted to have. The pain I have been dealing with since that happened, 6 weeks ago, is indescribable. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. i dont eat.  I have been hanging on to my sobriety for dear life, going to several meetings a day just to keep from being alone and in my head. i keep thinking that she fell out of love with me somewhere along the line. that she made it up to get away from me. that it was my fault. that something is wrong with me. I ran into her at a meeting last week for the first time since it happened. although she twirled her long blonde hair with her fingers, as she does when she is nervous,  she pretended like I didn't exist. the girl i would have taken a bullet for.  the girl i bought flowers for every week. That was a special type of hell. I know people deal with heartbreak differently. Some people put on a front, stuff their feelings deep down and cry only when they are alone. I am not one of those people. I cry every single day. I haven't been my normal carefree self since it happened. I'm the type of person you can look into my eyes and know something is wrong. i cant understand or begin to accept her lack of compassion and humanity. how she is able to disassociate herself from her feelings is truly beyond me. She was the light of my life. My muse. Now that she's gone, it's hard to wake up everyday. Crack jokes and shit. Definitely not as carefree as i once was. I miss everything about her. I miss her voice. I miss the smell of her hair. I miss making her laugh. I miss helping her through the tough times. I miss how much she loved me. I miss the way she made my heart skip beats. And I especially miss the sex.

I guess the reason I am sharing is that I still struggle with detaching from her, Because I honestly, to me, like it's akin to Cutting my heart and soul out. I keep trying to work on myself and my issues so i can get better and get stronger. praying, hoping she will come back to me. But it isn't getting any easier. The worst thing about heartbreak is that there's no time table for recovery. It could take weeks, months or years. I don't know what the future will hold. If we will ever get back together or if we are done for good. I just know that I lost my soulmate in December and I would do anything to feel whole again. somedays im okay. Somedays i feel like ending it all. today is one of those days. any and all feedback is welcomed Thanks for listening guys. All my best.