First time here and I joined because I cant expect my family and friends to support me anymore as they have had enough.  I have been married 29 years in May and we have children (28,21,20,18) and the last 3 live w me only.  Husband has not lived with us since June 2012 and I dont want him back here until he can prove a solid year without cheating.  He is a serial cheater and much more.  I found out he was cheating 12 1/2 years ago and I myself have proved 9 different women...yes I know it is more than that.  We have split up and gotten back together so many times.  There has been times when I have moved on and dated but when feelings for another start...I back up and want my husband back or he wants me and promises yet again he is a different man and wont cheat again...each time its just lies.  Along the way I have neglected to love myself first and only bust my ass to fix us lol I know right!! Why should I be the one to fix my own broken heart each time when he did it.  He admits now he was selfish and sick and with no help of therapy he is all better.  I caught him last Sept 10, 2017 telling his side whore of 2.5 years that he loves her and yes he was having sex with her.  I dont know if seeing "I love you baby" completely took the last chunk out of my heart but I am not healing from reading this. That very morning I asked him if he was talking with her in any way...he kissed me on my head and said no baby I have not.  I had a gut feeling he was full of it so I went to his moms house where he lives and went through his lap top and found their instant message on FB.  I called him and of course he denied it...he always does until my proof is thrown right in his face.  He then went on to say its not like that...I love her as a friend and she knows it.  He buys me things to show how sorry he is...that is his way of I am sure making himself think because he spent money on me its ok.  It does zero for my feelings.  I know for sure I will NEVER trust him again!!  

HOW DO I BRING MYSELF TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO LET GO and LOVE ME AGAIN??  I am not at the age where I can not just go back to college and start a new career.  I can not stay with him for money...there is no way where I am now that I could have sex with him which angers him so so very much.  Some of the previous times I forgave him and carried on like well if I love him and want us...I gotta fix us.  The time before Sept was maybe 3 months before that...I am completely exhausted and crushed. I GPS track him, check his phone bill (but he buys cheating phone) so I quit, he put a live camera in his room so I can see he is sleeping alone (people dont just have sex at night) I drive by his house (but he hides her car)  I am going nuts and at times I think he is trying to put me there (nuts) or wants me to take my life...why else would he do this over and over and over?!   I can not expect my family and friends to understand how I still love this man and cant let go.  What is wrong with me?  I know what he is and dont want help to stay with him...I need help letting go!!