Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So, I've been suspicious for a while that something was off with my husband but asking him straight out wasn't getting me any answers. He left his work email open yesterday and I immediately noticed several emails from a girl he works with so I opened them up. They were really just notifications that he was getting instant messages, which I didn't have access to, but what threw me was that they were at all hours of the night this past weekend. There were about 10 in all so I knew this was not work related. When he got home I asked him to open the messages so I could read them. Unfortunately, he had erased most of what was sent the past couple of days but I asked him again, flat out, are you having an affair and he finally confirmed it.
It's been going on for a few months, the exact time I started noticing the changes in him. The funny thing is, I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. I always imagined me sobbing if I were to ever find out about an affair but I really just felt numb. Angry, yes! I told him how f***ed up he is to do this to our 20 year marriage. He tried blaming it on me because we were having lots of problems and I temporarily moved into the spare bedroom. I guess he was quick to use that for justification. I ended up leaving and going for a very long walk and by time I got home, he wasn't there. He came back a couple hours later and went to bed and I returned to the guest bedroom.
After a sleepless night, I got up when I heard him this morning and we had a long talk. He said he's not sure what it is he wants and wants me to wait for him to decide. I asked if he was going to continue seeing this girl and he said he'd already told her they couldn't see each other until he figures out his family. I asked if they were still messaging and he said yes, because they're friends. This is where I have the issue. We are still married and might possibly try and fix this but he's still talking to her?? I told him he shouldn't be having any contact with her other than work related stuff but he wouldn't agree to that. At first, I was willing to wait until we both go through some counseling to see if we can make this work but if he's still in regular contact with her then I feel like I should just file for divorce. If he doesn't respect his wife enough to not talk to his former girlfriend regularly, then how will I ever be able to trust him?
I'm devastated. I've never felt so lost and alone as I do right now. I really thought we would be together forever, so now what do I do?
Thanks for listening.
Lisa
It's been going on for a few months, the exact time I started noticing the changes in him. The funny thing is, I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. I always imagined me sobbing if I were to ever find out about an affair but I really just felt numb. Angry, yes! I told him how f***ed up he is to do this to our 20 year marriage. He tried blaming it on me because we were having lots of problems and I temporarily moved into the spare bedroom. I guess he was quick to use that for justification. I ended up leaving and going for a very long walk and by time I got home, he wasn't there. He came back a couple hours later and went to bed and I returned to the guest bedroom.
After a sleepless night, I got up when I heard him this morning and we had a long talk. He said he's not sure what it is he wants and wants me to wait for him to decide. I asked if he was going to continue seeing this girl and he said he'd already told her they couldn't see each other until he figures out his family. I asked if they were still messaging and he said yes, because they're friends. This is where I have the issue. We are still married and might possibly try and fix this but he's still talking to her?? I told him he shouldn't be having any contact with her other than work related stuff but he wouldn't agree to that. At first, I was willing to wait until we both go through some counseling to see if we can make this work but if he's still in regular contact with her then I feel like I should just file for divorce. If he doesn't respect his wife enough to not talk to his former girlfriend regularly, then how will I ever be able to trust him?
I'm devastated. I've never felt so lost and alone as I do right now. I really thought we would be together forever, so now what do I do?
Thanks for listening.
Lisa
There's no excuse for cheating and as you can see he's following Cheaters Handbook 101 and already blame shifting this so its your fault. Standard operating procedure, not shocking at all, cheaters just don't surprise me anymore they're just not that original. My ex wife pulled the same thing after 24 years together.
Since he's not willing to put in the work and refuses to stop contacting her I think that's your answer, unless you want to "wait for him to come to his senses"...that's entirely your decision, good luck. I know it sucks.
What do you want to do?
He was found out, busted yet continues to feel strongly enough towards her to:
- Ask you, his wife of 20 years, to wait for him to decide if he wants to be with her permantly.
- ignore your requests to stop communicating with her outside of work related stuff.
- be Oki with you setting up shop and sleeping in another room.
- and going out without a care for how you are feeling or dealing with his cheating.
So let me ask you.
What should you do?
Welcome to the group
I do know that he shouldn't be asking you to wait and still contacting the OW. It hurts and it all sucks!
Take care
Decide for him. It's your life, your future, your rules - he has proved himself unable to take your best interests in account. He no longer gets to decide anything.
Putting it on you is very typical of a cheater and so much bullshit.
Take time to consider what you want, if it is reconciliation he needs to be all in all the time or he will be wasting your time while hex sucks the life out of you.
I am sorry for your family and you
moved out and kept stringing me along for months so she could decide if it was right for her to break up our marriage....but she still "loved me"
Bullshit
What would you say if this were your daughter, best friend, or sister in this situation?
The fact he is holding the OW at a higher value than his wife by not ceasing communications as you requested, I think, untilmately, he's given you his decision. Now, YOU must decide what YOU want. But, if he's unwilling to stop talking to her, no amount of counseling or "working it out," will be successful.
Cheaters are experts at shifting blame onto the innocent party in the relationship. Don't buy it. You could've withheld sex for 6 years and it still wouldn't justify cheating. There's no excuse to sacrifice a relationship in this manner and not try to repair it or walk away first.