Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My wife has made it clear to me that she doesn't really want to have much to do with me. Sex used to be something to be checked off her list, now it's even worse. We drive somewhere in the car and she angles herself out towards the passenger side of the front seat with her back to me as much as possible. Never says a word. I work from home and she says if she is there when I am working she feels like there is an unspoken request for sex...and we only have sex every 4-6 weeks?! And most of the time it's really, really bad sex. One time all I could think of was divorce for three days afterwards. We don't communicate well. We've been in counseling twice for a year or more each time. We have two kids (8 yr old girl and 11 yr old boy) that love both of us. At the same time the kids are starting to ask me why their mom behaves like she does. If one of the children has a cough my wife goes ballistic, "Why are they coughing?! why can't they just be quite and go to sleep?!" If she unloads the dishwasher she practically throws the dishes into the cabinet...our poor dishes are so chipped up it's crazy. She stops around the house, slamming doors, muttering either under her breath or loud enough to be heard without addressing what's bothering her (probably because what is bothering her is much of nothing). We've been married nearly 16 years and it's just awful. For those of you who have already gone through a divorce, especially with young kids, how devastating is it on the kids? On the finances? On other relationships?
You said you've been through counseling - well did you determine what's going on with your wife because it's definitely not "much of nothing?" As I said in another comment, the "weed" of divorce (to quote somebody else) starts with disrespect/unappreciation. Probably also an overall lack of thankfulness...The next time you're home working and she's around maybe you need to announce firmly and very matter-of-factly that "We won't be having sex today, "
It sounds like your wife needs to be without a home, husband and kids for awhile (and maybe even dishes!) before she will start to appreciate them. The next time you're driving together, you calmly angle your own body a little away from hers before she can do the same. See what happens...Ha! But I know this is no game. This is your serious future. And your kids'.
From you and the marriage and she is angry that
she is Still there. I don't have children but the last
12 years with him Were something i am still paying
for mentally and emotionally.
I wish i got out when his behaviors changed toward
Me. I was the bad guy and all was my fault even though
I had not changed he did, he had become displeased
with Me and i suffered because of it. My mistake was to
stay Too long and we are now divorced after 30 years
and he Found a GF before leaving me, HUGS
I hope TN is warm. I'm going there this weekend to see family.
Can your wife be open about exactly what's making her angry? Or do you already know? Without trying to communicate openly, you guys are doomed to more of the same. Take a deep breath and talk to her. Get stuff out in the open, start to wrap your head around the issues and move forward, whatever direction that takes you in. Being "stuck" is no way to be.
Other relationships? They'll be strained, too. Friends don't know what to say, or feel they need to side, or want to stay out of the mess. If you're lucky, you'll have a couple or few people who can support you wholeheartedly. Family may come together to support you, or may not. You may lose her family.
The only thing that's predictable is that divorce is unpredictable.
I've specialized in divorce (sadly living it as well), got my master's in this field and did years of divorce counselling. Here's the one constant thing I observed, men fairly consistently told me they didn't understand why the wife was acting the way she was, that they were surprised, and that it came out of the blue their spouse wanted a divorce, they were shocked and surprised. The wife would come in and say I've been telling him for years that I needed this and that in our relationship and he never listened to me.
I'm not condoning the door slamming and other actions, but down playing this by suggesting it's about nothing, won't help but aggravate the situation. She sounds burnt out and her feelings invalidated and I suspect you feel the same way. Instead of really finding out what is going on between the 2 of you, each is left guessing what the non-verbal behaviour means. I can tell you making assumptions or trying to mind read never works....leads to huge misunderstandings.
If you want to deal with the marriage or the ending of the relationship, no surprise, but respectful communication is needed and if you guys can't do it on your own, consider contacting a counsellor for a "marital" evaluation? Or if you both want to end the relationship, keep your focus on doing what's best for the kids and get some good support to help you through this.
Yes financially it's a challenge, you have to have 2 homes...but whatever you both do, don't pay for your lawyer's children's college fund, keep it for your kids. Agree if you can't agree you will see a mediator (much less expensive and families are better adjusted by going through a mediation to deal with custody, assets, and all the other things that go with ending a relationship).
Best
Best.