I feel the same. I think I am in a state of shock. Are we disposable? I wonder if I've ever done this to someone and if so I'm sorry. Try to hang in there please. There are a lot of us in your shoes.

I think they are trying to keep their distance. I know my wife us doing that right now even as we try to work on our marriage. She says she wants to work on it but currently there gave been no actions on her part. I also think she is struggling with the guilt and shame of the choice she made to commit adultery. I am trying to show her that I have changed for the better but I know it will take time. We all have so many in answered questions.

My situation exactly. We're still living together and he acts exactly the same around the kids. Only my heart is breaking.....

Kas I am going through the exact same thing after 16 years. T told me the same thing. It's such a bizarre dynamic and I know its not healthy for me because I'm still in love with him, and I imagine the same goes for you. Personally, I haven't been able to force myself to put a stop to the daily contact. (Well for starters we live together but he still messages me all day at work as well.) I know I'm fortunate like you that he still "cares" but it's so hard to be in a one sided love like this, especially when we have been together so long. I'm just trying to remind myself that when he acts normally it doesn't mean his heart is where is used to be. I think there is a few options here in our situations that might be what is happening. One, it might just be that they have been acting that way for so long that they don't know how to stop their behavior, even though the breakup is their choice. Two, they really do care about our well being and want to remain friends, and their actions don't mean anything more. Realistically it's probably a bit of both. I'm just trying to remind myself of that every day so I don't keep getting my hopes up and then let down. Please try to do the same. It doesn't always work but hopefully it will keep us grounded in reality.

The thing that gets me is when she says she cares, or that she still loves me. I call complete bs on that. I do think there is a guilt there that makes her want to make sure I don't do anything to myself, but if I had a full on breakdown, I honestly don't think she would care, and furthermore, I think she would be fine with it as that would be yet another reason to have her get a larger chunk of the custody. But she sits here and says, "I care about you. I still love you so very much, but I'm not in love with you any more." How does one just turn that off? I've never been able to figure that out, and I probably never will. That's why I told her there will be no emotional attachment once one of us moves out. It's too hurtful to me to pine after her when she will be with other me, falling in love with someone else while I am sitting there like an idiot. It's not fair, and we all deserve a hell of a lot better.

I know I sound bitter, so please excuse the tirade. I honestly do think everyone on here will be on to much bigger and better things now that they no longer have to deal with someone who can just shut off their feelings all at once. You will all be so much happier. I really do believe that.

i agree with you all in different ways. Kasharoo i agree with you and think that it most likely is a combination of caring and habit after being with someone so long. I really don't think it's the fact that he doesn't care about me. If I thought that this would be so much easier. And of course i hope things can change with some time. But the wisest advice I have received so far came from of all places my 15 year old son. "Mom we can hope but never expect" Don't know where I got such a smart kid. I don't place all my hope on reconciling. It may never come to that and I am big enough to admit that even when it hurts like hell. But I refuse to let all little smidges of hope die off for now. We are not quite at the point yet. But when and if the time comes that this is seriously all over I will be ok. He is always going to be in my life because of the kids. And I can honestly say this man will always have my back and I will have his. Just in a different way. What makes this so hard is that I can go from rational thinking like this to heartbroken in 2 seconds flat. The emotional upheaval is what is killing me. I cannot wait to start counseling next week even if it is by myself. I just need a way to start feeling like a whole person again.

Yup - same thing here. I am completely rational one moment and then crying hysterically next.

Your son is wise. It must be hard on him too. But nice that he can be so grown up about it. My kids are little 8 and 4 so I know I will be doing a lot of work to help them get through this. So while I suffer now I will try to be strong for them in the months to come.

Thank god my older son is at that age where he mostly gets it. Not that it doesn't hurt him but because he understands what is going on he deals with it better. My younger son (11) seems like it's not phasing him much. But every once in a while he says something that just breaks my heart. But from talking to him he has so many friends with divorced parents that this is not shocking to him. I think that's so sad in itself. I was raised that divorce was not an option and it was the absolute last thing you do. So was my husband. I think it's so sad that the least little bump in the road and divorce is the first thing they jump to

I feel like all of you do. I am heartbroken and she can't get this over with fast enough. I vacillate from being barely ok to crying and she is seemingly so at peace. I guess because I got blindsided and she's been planning/thinking about this for awhile. Our 19th anniversary is less than 2 weeks away...

My son has been so incredibly strong through this he is 17 and discovered my wife and best friend were having an affair. He came immediately to me to tell me. He was so devastated for me and himself. After that he confronted them about still seeing each other. He met the affair partner over coffee to tell him if he did not stop the affair he would confront the spouse. These people were our best friends and like parents to my son. It has just been betrayal on so many levels. I hate that this is his senior year and he is having to deal with all this crap. We have really helped each other through this. He is so angry at his mom, I have just been trying to get the two of them to be softer with each other. As a family, we will be working through this pain for some time. Only with Gods help can we do it.

My son has been so incredibly strong through this he is 17 and discovered my wife and best friend were having an affair. He came immediately to me to tell me. He was so devastated for me and himself. After that he confronted them about still seeing each other. He met the affair partner over coffee to tell him if he did not stop the affair he would confront the spouse. These people were our best friends and like parents to my son. It has just been betrayal on so many levels. I hate that this is his senior year and he is having to deal with all this crap. We have really helped each other through this. He is so angry at his mom, I have just been trying to get the two of them to be softer with each other. As a family, we will be working through this pain for some time. Only with Gods help can we do it.

that's awful STex. I am so sorry that your son was the one that found out and has to deal with all of this. It's bad enough when we have to go through it but for your own child to have to deal with it adds a whole additional level of heartbreak. You and he have each other and it really is great that you are trying to help him with his relationship with his mom. The bottom line i think is that we are all human and make mistakes. Some of them much bigger than others. But it is so hard for a child to see their parents that way. And they shouldn't have to. I hope for peace for you and your son soon.

Thanks, what makes it worse is he saw all of their private messages to each other. It is disgusting in so many ways. She doesn't understand why he talks down to get now. I try to explain that she betrayed him as well and he does not trust her. Plus I'm sure he is having intrusive thoughts similar to mine.

I think some people are just so out of touch with their emotions, that they can't really talk about the relationship. They can do the friendly spouse thing, but that's it, they can't delve into their feelings. That's my experience, anyway.