Thought I would share my journal entry. Life does go on :)

I have been Divorced for 1 year today. Happy Anniversary to me.

This time last year I was putting on my carefully chosen Divorce outfit. Hooking up with the friends that got me through the day. Visiting the Sherriffs office to share my thoughts on them financing a Hotel room for 2 people that were committing adultry. Going to court to listen to testimony about my ex's affair. Listening to the judge tell me that I was "certainly" entitled to a Divorce. Celebrating no longer being married to a man who has the ability to be very cruel..and had been demonstrating that ability in so many ways.

No way to come out of something like this completely unscathed. I honestly will never be the same.

Divorce is like an emotional workout. Every possible emotion has been excersized this past year. I have experienced true anger for the first time in my life. Hate is now in my vocabulary.

I have also found out that, even in the worst of circumstances, I can be decent and fair. I can set my feelings aside and manage to do the right things. It's very hard to be fair when fair is not returned. Hard to be decent to someone who is not decent to you. VERY hard to forgive when forgiveness is not even asked for.

I spent too much time waiting for that apology..that never came. I'm not waiting anymore.

I AM going on with my life. 2 great little boys that need a Mom that is not angry. Friends and family that need the stability that I have always provided. A boyfriend that deserves my trust.

The upside of Divorce, for me, is that it stopped me in my tracks. Made me look at myself and my life. There was room for improvement and things that I needed to change.

The biggest plus is that I really have become a better Mom. No one to pick up the slack has made me much more attentive. I do more with my kids. I am more patient. My ex is there physically but thier emotional needs have all fallen on me. No way was I not going to step up to that plate. The night that he dropped his bomb and left..I was completely devastated. Then I looked at my devastated kids. Realized in that moment that this was not about me.

Since my ex has refused to die ( I am kidding...kind of) I know that I will have to deal with him. It's like having a perfectly healthy body with this nagging pain. It's not so bad that it stops you..but it is always there. My ex and the Step-Ho will continue to try to make my life more difficult than it needs to be. My ex will act silly..and she will fan the fire. I will deal with it.

Life isn't supposed to stand still. I'll just keeping going with the flow. When it starts flowing in the wrong direction...I'll change my course. Paddle upstream if I have to. If I have learned anything this year..it's that I have the ability to do that.