Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I saw it. I finally saw what I didn't want to see. I had confirmation that they had sex. My wife, still married to me, had sex with her boyfriend over and over again. They laughed, smiled, had a great time. All the while I sat at home. Miserable. Alone.
My gut wrenches at the thought. Everyone tells me "Yeah dude, it's gonna happen. Get over it."
I think maybe I should explain a bit more. Some of you understand, others... well let's just say others are going to be mad at me whether or not I give a $1,000 to the "Save the Feminist" foundation or not.
My wife and I met 14 years ago. At the time I had been seperated from my previous marriage for about 6 months. She worked at the day care where my kids went to. At the time she was a timid, scared girl who I could tell really took a liking to my son. She felt bad for him and for my daughter and myself. After awhile we built a small friendship. I worked for a modeling agency for about 3 days and one day I came in and asked if she ever thought about being a model. Apparently, that had more of an impact than I thought. I thought she was very pretty and could do so much more than what she was doing.
After awhile she started watching my kids for me for free. I insisted I pay her and she would take my money and go and buy clothes, diapers, food, etc. She was a amazing. One night, she stayed a bit longer after I came home from work. At the time I had a girlfriend who I saw semi-regularly. It wasn't serious and the relationship was turning a bit sour due to how much she didn't like children. My wife absolutely loved children, but her husband didn't. That evening I spent the night talking with her as she lay on my floor. I walked about my aparment spinning my fake toy lightsaber around. I didn't reazlie it at the time but it was a very phallic scene and it was getting her going good. She told me her back hurt and I said "I'm really good at back massages"....
What? I was!
Anyway, fast forward to our first sexual time together. It took about 2 weeks to get there. She didn't tell me why at first, she said she wanted to take it slow. Come to find out, she was a virgin. She hadn't had sex with her then husband even after moving in together for a year. Yes, I know what you're going to say. Bullshit. Right? There's no way. Well, I've recently verified this to be true with her ex-husband. And honestly, what dude wants to verify that?
I had a virgin. I was able to teach her, and show her things that opened her world up to something new. There were things she was ok with trying, and things she wasn't ok with trying. I never pushed her and it seemed like my years of experience did put her off a bit like it was intimidating. I tried not to make it that way but eventually our sex lives were amazing. She learned, I taught, she even taught me a thing or two. This was something that we did together and grew together as sexual people.
Want to know the really pathetic thing? I'm so hurt, I'm so fucking angry, because she's using everything I taught to her on him. But wait, there's more. Because what if he's teaching her some things? What if he's better than me? Yes, I'm saying it again because you know what? I'm a male. Male's have this fear. If you're a female you won't get it and I'm not apologizing for it.
But why do I need to know if she's done it or not? Well tonight I found out. I won't say how. But I got my definitive answer. Even after telling me for weeks she wasn't doing anything because she didn't want to "mess up their future". I found out. During our mutual time with our children no less. I spent the rest of the time sobbing under a blanket while she enjoyed her time with the kids.
Why do I need to know? Because I want it to hurt. I want it to hurt so bad that I'll go numb or unconscious. I want it to bother me so badly that the pain is just too much and I go completely emotionless. Is there something wrong with me? Sure. We all have our problems.
Am I bad person for wanting to know? Absolutely not.
I just miss my wife, who is still married to me regardless of her actions. I miss her so much. I miss the woman that greeted me when I came home. That said goodbye to me when I left my house.
Then I find out the exact moment their relationship started. It was when she called the cops on my son who she said was being aggressive towards her. She said I didn't back her up when I did.
Why am I afraid of this? Because I don't think I'll find another woman like her ever again. So far every woman on this Tinder thing that has swiped right for me is someone that I wouldn't look twice at, which makes me shallow I know. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be alone forever and that she is going to be so happy. I wish he would do or say something that would piss her off.
I don't want him raising my kids. It makes me sick. It makes me sick knowing that I'm going into this mediation with no one behind my back. My 2nd lawyer is leaving his firm and now I'm going to be stuck with someone else.
This is becoming too random because my mind is such a mess. I don't know what to do.
Please be gentle. Or not. It's fine.
I wish I could get out. I'm so tired of looking at how happy she is when he messages her. I hate looking at her ass as she walks away and then realizing that he's been doing stuff with it and I never will again. Seeing her smile at a phone screen and never smile at me is destroying me.
My birthday is tomorrow. Can you imagine what it's going to be like at my house? She said she's going to get a cake. No presents for me though because it's divorce time and I need the money.
My birthday wish is to have my wife back. I miss her so much.
It breaks my heart that you have to look at her rear end every day.
It must be hell.
I can't believe you only raised 100.00 on GoFundMe.
People are so selfish.
Did you explain how you have to imagine some guy doing things to your wife's backside and the emotional torture is driving you wild?
I'm sure if you did, folks would open their wallets wide and the cash would flow like manna from heaven for such a worthy cause.
Good luck!
Initially the hurt cheaters cause is as you're describing.. it really does seem like the world is crashing around you - but I promise, I PROMISE! The end game is nothing but golden for you - even if you do lose the house.. etc. You've also lost someone who was never there for you 100%! Who wants that?? and right now is the BEST time to push things forward with the seperation to be honest.. because she's so 'happy' - and wants this marriage over so she can go play.. Reality WILL Set in.. and your clock is ticking. Get done what you need to get done NOW while she's distracted, keep your mind on the bigger picture as much as you can, for you and your children. Her 'smile' of happiness is a short lived smile - turn some of that hurt around and use it as a strength to push you through.. She's NOT worth a moment more of your thoughts, she's dirty.. she's a liar.. and its time to let her life and all the stress she's causing become HER problem.
as for your birthday - take your children out, and celebrate with them, create a new yearly tradition with just you and your kids - take away her power to hurt you, but taking control of the little things that you can, and I agree with Coop - visit www.chumplady.com - YOUR NOT ALONE, and you don't have to do this alone, best of luck
Also, please don't be pious enough to be offended that she's trying her sex moves on other men. You may have showed her some ropes but you didn't invent the activity. Most people can figure out how to maneuver the parts all on their own. You didn't reinvent the wheel for her.
I'm trying real hard to feel your pain Dad, I really am. You just don't represent yourself real well.
My take on this is that we all learn something from our partners, whether good or bad, and hopefully the knowledge we gain from the other person will enrich our lives. We'll go on to share that experience with someone else. That's a good thing, that helps to make the world a better and diverse place.
Instead of worrying about WTF she's doing (and spying, or whatever you did to confirm she was having sex), try to think about how she enriched your life. Look beyond the negative feelings you have toward her for just a moment, What did she bring to the table that helped you to grow as an individual, as a father, as a friend? If all you do is look at things from the "me" perspective, you're going to keep spinning and spinning. Look at the broader picture. The world isn't ending, your marriage is. Keep perspective.
I don't see much integrity in your story. You were married when you met her and started a relationship. You had sex with your children's babysitter. You picked a virgin and groomed her to be your perfect sex partner. And now you are on the prowl for another sex partner. And your self-induced masochistic obsession with her sex life is troubling.
Why should you worry about her sex life, even though you are still "married"? You didn't seem to worry about that when you were still married to your first wife. I guess I'm saying what goes around, comes around.
As in, some 14 year old boy with an imagination and access to mom's computer is just messing with everyone's heads.
Its that... incredible.
All some of the ladies here asked was for a bit of respect and consideration in your choice of words.
Sometimes if you show respect to others you receive the same in return.
Sorry if this was an irrational request.
But hey, no big deal.
Best wishes with your situation.
All that being said, why did you title this post "I finally got what I deserved". Do you think you actually deserve a cheating spouse? What in the world could make you think so?