So sorry you are here. Take care of yourself. Try to find support groups for domestic violence and/or codependency. (Read Codependent No More and/or Women Who Love Too Much--especially the latter one). There may be a free domestic violence group offered by a local DV organization. Search there, if money is an issue. You are doing what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Abuse is all about power and control. Don't be surprised if he starts to come unhinged during the separation/divorce...Abusers HATE the feeling of losing control over someone. If he becomes threatening, harrassing, and/or violent, I recommend a Protection Order (called different things in different states; in NC it's a Domestic Violence Protection Order). Enforce it if it doesn't stop; sometimes a DVPO will make them worse. If you suspect he will become more violent/dangerous, find a safer place to live, even if that's a domestic violence shelter. Please be safe. Carry mace. Get a concealed carry permit and a gun, if necessary--but get proper training. Remove any location finders/gps from phone or turn them off so he can't follow you. It sucks we have to be so vigilant, but it is better than the potential alternative. Don't live in fear, but also do not underestimate him. Be safe and take care of you

It does get easier, in time. Taking that first step is for sure hard, but it shows true strength, for it sounds like you truly need to be out of this negative situation. You don't deserve abuse, period. You deserve to have a beautiful life.

For one, it sounds like a restraining order is something you should strongly consider. Next, thoroughly document all he is saying to you and doing to you. You may need that in the future as this moves to legal papers and court dates.

Getting over the awful feeling does take some work and some time, but it will happen. I'd suggest individual therapy for you, it can be very helpful. Also, it's a paradox and some of it is breaking the chains in your mind. He is going to do all he can to try to make you feel like you are horrible and awful, that's part of the abuser's pattern to keep the victim under their control. Know that you are not awful, you don't deserve this, and you've put up with it long enough. I'd strongly suggest No Contact as much as possible. If you have kids, then only discuss matter-of-fact, absolute necessary topics. Don't respond to any of his other nonsense. If you dont have kids, then there really isn't any reason you need to have contact with him, he can relay legal information through the lawyers. Block his number, change yours if necessary, Block email, social media, etc. Because an abuser is going to pull out all stops to try to get any reaction. Sometimes it will be hateful and/or violent outbursts, other times he will likely try to appeal to your sympathies, heck mine even literally got down on his knees and begged (after lashing out at me failed to work). It's best for your sanity and healing to just cut it off.

You are right: you deserve happiness. Repeat that to yourself a million times a day if necessary.
Big hugs to you.
(((((HUGS)))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. Even though right now it feels like your drowning in darkness it does gets better. You need to take care of yourself and you deserve happiness.
Find your inner strength and peace. Stay strong.

Thank you all. I don't fear for my safety or anything. He is away from home usually anyway as he works as a long haul truck driver. I tried to have a normal conversation with him too but he's being totally immature so I've decided not to talk to him until he can be an adult about this. His selfish name calling has just reiterated that I made the right choice.

Sorry you're going through this. As soon as I file for divorce and drive away from my wife (soon ex), it will get much easier. As soon as I am moving towards brighter days and away from darker ones, it only will get easier.....good luck and move forward!

From what I can tell, you're a good person in a toxic relationship. Thus, feeling like a horrible person is a symptom of your being over-conscientious (and conscientiousness is what makes good people good).

I can relate to the feeling and have also tried to make a break and chickened out many times over the past 20 years in my relationship.

I'm finally making the break for real and this time I feel different about it. Many things led up to this, but the best/final tool I encountered was finding the book In Sheeps Clothing by Dr George Simon (I was led to this indirectly by a recommendation from another member in the Codependency discussion group).

In a nutshell, I too am over-conscientious (& very avoidant of doing anything which would make me feel guilt). Dr Simon explains how a manipulative (often abusive) person recognizes this in their partner and takes advantage of it. He very plainly spells out more than a dozen covert aggressive tricks they play on you (guilt-tripping included). During the next 2 weeks after reading about this, I noticed dozens of times when my husband used these tricks on me (both during arguments & daily life).

Seeing this in a new light allowed me to 'detach ' (as Melody Beatie recommends in Codependent no More).

Maybe you can find a new perspective with which to view your situation and you'll experience new & different feelings (like being proud of yourself for ending something that's probably toxic for both you and your partner).

Hugs & best wishes to you in your journey.